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Relationship Troubles

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Tired_Vines | 15:04 Mon 17th Mar 2014 | Body & Soul
46 Answers
I met someone about 8 months ago and we quickly formed a close friendship. I have 'known' him for years as he's been good friends with my husband and was often at our house, although I never really spoke to him much.
I was at quite a low point when we first properly got talking, and he really did help me with some major problems I was going through.
Things soon developed and our friendship turned into an affair, as he also had a partner.
I have been unhappy for a while but for financial reasons and my children I have not felt possible to leave my husband. I know that sounds like a poor excuse but it's the only reasons I have.
He is everything my husband isn't. He encourages me to get out of the house, whereas my husband seems to put a stop to everything I want to do (jobs, socialing etc), he got me out of a real depressive point where I was self-harming on a daily basis, whereas my husband just saw what I was doing and did nothing to try and help. He encourages me not to drink (I have a drink problem) whereas my husband will go out and buy me two bottles of wine in the evening so he doesn't have to spend any time with me and can just sit in his room on his computer all night... I could go on and on.
He told me from the beginning that his relationship with his partner was "over" and that he had been thinking of leaving her for almost a year. He also told me that they had no physical relationship of any kind and that they hadn't had sex since April of last year.
I realise what I was doing was still wrong, but this kind of softened the blow and didn't make me feel as bad.
It all came to a head and he left her in January. He told me they'd had an almighty row and that he'd told her it was all over.
I thought this could have been the start of something and that maybe we would have a chance of being together and building a life together that we had often spoke about.
They remained friends on Facebook and she continued to text/call him. I found this a bit odd but he said she just wouldn't let it go and was 'hounding him'.
I then found out from someone else that he'd told them they were having a break and going back to basics and dating!
When I asked him about this he denied ever saying it and said it was definitely all over.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this went on for weeks and weeks. He kept telling me he'd finished things, yet he still had to keep going round there for some reason and communicating with her. He was secretive about a few things and on one occasion when he'd told me he'd been there to pick up some stuff but was now home, he hung up on me when I tried to call and then later said he'd left his phone in the car - despite the fact it didn't ring off, it was ended quite quickly.
I said I was confused and that I thought things had finished, to which he said "it's definitely now done"... and this went on again for a few weeks, with him repeating that it was now over, despite having already said on more than one occasion that it already was.

So, he met up with her again yesterday morning. I have no idea why, and when I've asked he just said that he owed it to her to see her face to face (which, he'd already done more than once).
It all came to a head and he told her he'd been seeing someone else. She asked who it was, he said it didn't matter, and then apparently she guessed and he confirmed this.
It gets worse.
I phoned him yesterday afternoon and he told me about their meet up and what had happened and then he said "I don't really know how to tell you this (and then paused and stumbled his words for a while) but she's basically saying that she got pregnant a few months ago and lost the baby".
I was, obviously, a bit lost for words, and then he said "I can't even remember having sex with her though", and he still stands by his "no sex since April" story.

I have been building up to leave my husband for this man, yet I now have this huge seed of doubt in my mind that makes me wonder..


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...if he's been playing games all along.
I appreciate the fact he did what he said he would and moved out, but now I'm wondering about the whole "sexless relationship" thing as surely you can't forget?? I've asked him to come clean and just be honest with me, but every time I do he says the same thing "he can't remember". He doesn't even drink either, so it's not as if he could have been drunk!

I just want some advice really.
Clearly my marriage is not what I want, otherwise I wouldn't have done what I've done, but is what he's saying possible, or do you think there are too many things that don't quite add up.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I do expect some kind of ear bashing, but I can assure you I feel pretty bad about the whole thing anyway.
Too much too soon. Both of you leave your respective partners if that's what you want but don't get together for goodness sake, give yourself space.

And also, don't use this new fella as a crutch for your mental health problems. You need to get on top of those yourself - only you can get a handle on your drinking and depression.
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I think with the whole drinking and depression thing, I'm not using him as a crutch, he just makes me feel really happy (most of the time when he's not being shady) that I don't feel the need to drink, or do other self-destructive things.
I just don't know if I'm being paranoid, or if I have reason to be concerned.
I understand you had a need for comfort but looking back you will realise an affair with a married guy was not wise. No matter what he thought of his existing relationship he should have not dallied with your affections until he was truly free.

Whilst it is possible he is just trying to stay friends I think you have stated enough to believe it is more than that. Not remembering if he had sex ? Someone is trying it on. Now it seems that, at best, he is sufficiently undecided that he wants to see if his relationship can be saved. It does indicate to you where you presently stand with him.

I think you need to be planning to leave an unhappy relationship and sorting yourself out, totally separate from forming another relationship whilst still vulnerable.
Oh wow, I write a bit and 3 more posts arrive !
I must type faster.
'I think with the whole drinking and depression thing, I'm not using him as a crutch, he just makes me feel really happy'

^^^^ Right. And when you have a row? Or when things are not going smoothly? When you're sitting around not trusting him because of all this? You'll not have addressed anything to do with why you do what you do. OG's last paragraph has it right.
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I think, deep down, I know you're right. I just wish he would be honest with me and tell me.
I am making the changes I need to make and taking the steps so I can move out of the home I currently live in with my husband, but it's not something I can do overnight.

I spoke to him (not my husband) this morning and asked where things with us where, and he said "it's up to you. I don't know".
He then said he wants to just carry on as we have been, and get to where we want to be, but then he'll finish the conversation with "I just hope that's the last I hear from her"... and that then puts that doubt back in to my mind.
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Yeah, ok, that's a fair point.
I know this sounds really stupid, but I guess I've not really thought about things like that. I suppose I've been looking at the whole thing through rose-tinted spectacles.

I did suggest we cool things off a couple of weeks ago, but within an hour he'd text me saying he couldn't do it.
I just feel like I'm on this huge roller coaster of emotions right now.
"I now have this huge seed of doubt in my mind that makes me wonder.."
Me too!

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Khandro, so do you think I am right to be suspicious?
I feel like I'm going insane, I really do. It's like self-torture, and it eats me up all day long.
It sounds like he's using you.
How old are your children and does he have any?
I think you need to make a clean break and have time to yourself before embarking on another relationship.

You are describing a frying pan into the fire scenario at the moment.
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"It sounds like he's using you".

I hate the way it makes me feel, but I'm starting to wonder/think the same.
As much as he denies still sleeping with her during the time we've been together, it just doesn't add up or make sense to me.
How can you forget?
I now have this overwhelming feeling that he's just been seeing me on the side yet still keeping his relationship going and seeing if it could be fixed by "dating".

He has no children. Mine are both below the age of twelve. I do feel awful about tearing our family apart, because I know it will cause them so much hurt and upset, but I don't see how I can carry on like this.
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Ecclescake, I'm the kind of person who fears being alone (which he knows), and I just don't know how I would be in that situation.
I know that sounds ridiculous.
You might find being alone quite liberating.
Oh! dear.

There are no guarantees in this man/woman relationships for ANY couples.
A man can love two women at the same time and i bet that this is the situation now. Yes, I do believe that his first relationship was is more common than you may imagine.

Now, you have realised that you have married the wrong happens and again a common situation and yes I can understand that you want to leave your husband for the new men in your life.

Will it work if you do?...I don't know and neither does anyone else.

Big decision...........and it is yours..........yours alone.
Sometimes it is good for us to know when we should venture outside our 'comfort zone', and thus become a more capable self reliant person as a result. No one says life has to be easy, sometimes it is very much not so. But we develop as we age.
I think you need to get your personal issues in check and stop putting this guy on a pedestal.

I appreciate that you fear being alone but it may be what you need to build some confidence, self esteem and inner strength.
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Ummmm, I've spoken to my sister about this on a few occasions (leaving my husband, not meeting someone else) and she says the same.
She reckons it will be the making of me... though I just see me turning into a nervous wreck.

Sqad, you've just reminded me of something he said fairly on into our "relationship".
He said "If I could love two women and live in harmony then I would have you out of there today".

This from a man who said there was "nothing there" and hadn't been for a year.

I feel so stupid.

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