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How would you handle this.

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Jenarry | 17:20 Wed 06th Jun 2012 | Body & Soul
32 Answers
Last year I turned 40 yrs old and i didn't want a load of fuss and a big party etc . I had a nice meal out with my family and 2 week holiday abroad in a nice 4 star hotel with me ,my boyfriend and my 5 yr old son.
It was during peak season and me and my bf went halves on the cost.
My bf didn't say in so many words but I got the gist that he thought it was a lot of money to spend on a holiday but he went along with it.
For a week or two before the holiday and the first few days of the holiday he wasn't very happy..not in a bad mood as such just not in a good mood or talking very much.
I tried to ask him what was up but didn't get much of an answer but my thoughts in hindsight was he begrudged the cost.
he cheered up a bit for a couple of days and then on the night before my birthday he lost his patience with my son about something and we had a few words.
Unfortunately his mood carried on the next day on my birthday when he hardly talked to me ALL day. We had dinner from 6 til 7.30ish where he still wasn't really talking and as soon as he finished his dinner he left me and my son to go up to the hotel room.
a little while later i went up to the room to find him in bed watching a film on his i-phone which he could've watched anytime.
I asked him to please come and join us for a drink and he said no. this really upset me but i just walked out and then went for a walk on the beach with my son until it was his bedtime and returned to the room.
This should've been a special day and it turned out to be one of the worst days i've ever had. it still bothers me now when i think of it.
we don't communicate very well as a couple so we've never really discussed this although it bothered me for ages.
My problem that is now looming is that it is my bf's 40th coming up and whereas i always make a fuss of people's birthdays and try to make it special for milestone birthdays i really can't help thinking that i don't particularly want to after he made mine such a bad day. it would've been different if we had been at home. i could've gone to see friends or my family but i was stuck on a holiday with a grumpy bf. :O( or even if i was just away with my son it would've been a nicer day. what do i do about his birthday?....


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I wouldn't make a fuss. If he asks why you could say that you thought he wasn't into all that after the way he behaved on your birthday.
If you still remember and resent what happened, to the extent that you dont want to make a fuss of him on his birthday, do you really want to stay with him. If you do I would give him a good birthday, and dont bring up what happened previously. If you dont then end things now and you wont have to do anything for his birthday!
Sounds like you should give him the big 'heave ho' Jenarry - reading the above, you do not sound that happy with him.

P.S. I love your Avatar.
Even if he had resented paying so much he could have said so, and there was no excuse to treat you like that on your birthday, I for one would have been very hurt. I wouldnt make a particular fuss on his, and if he asks why just remind him what happened on yours.
No i wouldnt make a massive fuss either tbh. I know two rights dont make a wrong, but he should have made an effort, if he felt itbwas alot to spend he should have made a good effort to enjoy it?! Especially as it was a big birthday. Get the usual card etc, but nope not OTT if it was me xxx
Why don't you ask him what he would like if you really want to stay with him, although from what you have described he sounds like a great big baby sulking because he can't have things his own way.
I couldn't handle the lack of communication and would have let rip ages ago, I wouldn't forgive having a special day ruined like that either. In a loving relationship he should have put his issues on the back burner for the day. Anyway, why don't you just come out and ask him what he wants to do? No point in having another birthday spoiled through not talking is there.
There is abolutely no point in making a point about giving him a low-key birthday because of his behaviour, unless he is absolutely aware of why you are doing it.

That means a discussion. If you were, and obviously are upset about his behaviour, it is important enough to be discussed properly as adults - no use saying yo 'don't communicate' because that is simply absolving yourself of the responsibility for acting like an adult in an adult relationship.

If things are that bad that you feel you cannot deal with this properly, you should be thinking about your future with this man, and that of rouy son, and asking if he is really a suitable partner and father-figure for you both.
Good advice from Andy as usual
Be normal....there really is no point playing tit for tat. You'll just make the day stressful for yourself.
shame on him! hard one, because you are the better person!

i would ask him what his budget is and how HE WANTS to spend his 40th birthday ... maybe he'll say no fuss and you will get your answer!
as andy says, I think you need to sort out the problems between you; talking about it is a better way than trying to provoke a response by seeking revenge. If he won't talk, then that is another problem to address, and it really goes deeper than cut-price birthday parties.
bake the grumpy git a cake and throw it in his face..!

sorry you had a bad time on that special day ..i went away to italy for my 40th and it was excellent, you should tell that he owes you a holiday and find someplace where you both would enjoy..thereby having a double celebration for both his and your 40th(even if yours was a while ago)
We all get cheesed off at times and don't see why we should pretend all is well when it clearly is not, but it seems to me that an adult would try to 'mend bridges' given the circumstances. Were you trying to 'mend bridges' from your side ?

I don't think you should hold a special grudge for his inability to rise above the differences though. Relationships are difficult to maintain if grudges are held.

If this relationship remains important to you, then draw a line under the incident and do the right thing going forward. Including finding out what it is he would like. Set a good example and who knows who might learn from it.
Did he begrudge having your 5 year old there?

If so, he had no right to.
This happened a year ago so if you've not discussed it then that's both your faults and it hardly seems fair to punish him now because you've got an arse on thinking about it. By all means discuss it with him if you feel you need to get it out the way but I agree with being normal and celebrating as you would. You can't really bring up rows a year later if you've not done anything to sort it before hand, it looks petty.
SEND him a 40th birthday card with a dear john letter inside.

He can't be an adult and discuss his feelings, even over the past year, so..
dump him. You don't need 2 children. x
It's HIS birthday, he's a grown man, let him make his own arrangements.
I think the biggest thing you have said is " we don't communicate very well as a couple".
Set aside an hour a week with no distractions. Sit and listen to what he has to say for half an hour without you interrupting then you have your say without him interrupting. Do not *** each other off just express your hopes, desires and misgivings. Take the whole half an hour even if you have nothing to say. It gets easier as you do it!
Some people don't like a fuss about birthdays. Just ask him what he would like to do for his birthday and go along with whatever he decides; even if it's only a card. He doesn't seem like he is the type to appreciate a suprise party.

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