Help.

[NoMercy]

Hi, my name is Alfie and I live in Spain with my mummy and daddy.

Yesterday, my mummy made a cake. It looks so yummy that I spent the whole of last night just dreaming about it. Mum got up this morning and when she came to say hello to me, I immediately took her to the kitchen and asked for a slice of this yummy cake.

To my absolute horror she proceeded to tell me that it's daddy's cake and that it's not for little boys (yeah right, whatever will she come out with next?). My pleas and pathetic looks have fallen on deaf ears and she refuses to cut me a big fat slice of cake.

Had I known I would be thus treated, I would have done a giant, steaming curly wurly right in the middle of the living room for her to pick up before breakfast. Should I go and wake my daddy up and ask him for some cake?

Yours,

Disgusted, neglected and abused.
Xeraco 46770.

[Jan1957]

Dear Alfie

You're obviously neglected so I would go and pack a bag and leave home right now. These selfish people don't deserve you. If you can get on a boat and make your way to Hastings you can come and stay with me and eat all the cake you like. xxx

[NoMercy]

Why thank you, Jan. I may have to take you up on that, for the standards in this house are rapidly declining. Why did she have to leave the cake on the top of the microwave? It would have been better locked away where I couldn't see it, not cavorting licentiously before my very sad eyes...

Alfie. x

[Jan1957]

Dear Alfie.

You are a remarkably good typist for a dog and I do agree with you about your owner. She's obviously teasing you. At least she can cook though. I'm afraid you would have to put up with shop bought cake with me. I've never been good at baking. I would take you to the pub with me though for an occasional tipple and a packet of pork scratchings.

[NoMercy]

Why thank you, Jan... I'm not averse to a bag of pork scratchings.

Still no change on the cake front. The b!tch just gave me a Denta-rask.

[Jan1957]

Humans are so selfish Alfie. Sorry but I have to go now and get some sleep but don't forget if you can make it to Hastings a nice warm bed and lots of seagulls to chase await.

Night too NM. x

[NoMercy]

Night Jan. x x

[waterboatman]

It's a dog's life Alfie. Still it does have it's compensations. Free food, walkies, etc. but being teased with a cake is not playing the game at all is it! I'd phone the RSPCA if I were you, citing cruelty to a hungry-for-cake pup.

[NoMercy]

I could call PEPA, I suppose....

[NoMercy]

You are kindness personified, Redhelen. My mum should take a leaf out of your book. The top of the microwave is marginally out of my reach. I did once have half a tortilla down off the kitchen side. When mum found the empty wrapper in the kitchen, I rolled on my back with my paws in the air. Damn I looked cute and innocent ! Didn't work... she still banned me from the kitchen. Heart of stone, that one !

[NoMercy]

If I sulk long enough, the queen of ice might do me a scrambled egg for breakfast I 'spose.....

[netibiza]

If you were mine I'd kick ya! You should go to Doggy Borstal!

[NoMercy]

Don't you know I'm far too cute to go to doggie borstal....

And I can be scary if needs be... Rarrrrrrrrrr !

[mccfluff]

alfie, like all dogs you are a pig and a disgrace , i hope your owners give's you nothing but dried food from now on

Murphy (the superior race)

[NoMercy]

Ha... this dog is eyeing you askance with tantalising superiority. By the way... I love chasing cats. Poodicats especially...

[ChuckFickens]

Dear Murphy,

Like all catts you are stuck up and patronising, I hope your owner feeds you on nothing but dried food from now on.

Frankie Mouse and Benjy Mouse (the superior race) :)

[mccfluff]

my slave is well trained, i had her up at 5am fixing me breakfast

i spit on you from a great height....

[mccfluff]

i spit on you from a great height as well