Suicidal Thoughts

[Ripley58]

I experienced a psychotic episode last year and began hearing voices. I am also taking anti-depressants, but for the first time I have begun to feel suicidal. My mother has recently entered a home because she is suffering from dementia, my best friend is very seriously ill and my brother and I are no longer communicating. I do not have close family or friends to call upon and sadly I've never been popular and able to mix with people comfortably. At 50, the sense of loneliness and despair is all engulfing and I feel it's all too much and that my life and future prospects are never going to improve. I accept I sound like a self obsessed whinger, but I'm at the end of my tether and just don't know what to do.

[China Doll]

Hi RIpley,

Hopelessness is a bitch of an emotion isn't it?!

You're suffering with depression. One of the things those of us who suffer with this like to do is fall back on the old cliches, we feel like we can't talk because we'll be seen as whinging, chances are to an uneducated tit you may well be seen as that but you clearly aren't. You have a lot of things happening in your life and you're in a low state which means that problems that usually you'd be able to deal with are magnified by hundreds.

You talk about isolating yourself because you're anxious and nervous, do you do it because you don't feel you deserve companionship too? Perhaps you feel that if you take that step and try to communicate to the outside world they'll run screaming for cover becuase of your 'whinging.' I talk a lot about the pixels on here but those pixels are attached to people and no one here has run away from you and the good friends you make in life won't either. You just have to meet them.

You're unattractive are you? Who told you taht? I'm only going to listen seriously if it was Angelina Jolie or that nice young man from Supernatural. Your thinking that is another way of keeping people at bay. Friends don't care about how you look, if you have friendships based on that then it really isn't a friendship now is it. Would you decide you didn't want to be friends with someone because they had a double chin and a wonky nose? Exactly, behave yourself!

[China Doll]

What you're going through is hell in a mind trap and it's going to take some work to get out of it and the bad news is, no one can do it for you, when you go to this dark place you go alone and you come back alone. But you can be supported and helped in your journey back and that makes all the difference. Well it did for me anyway. The reason I'm as blunt as I have been is I have some idea of what you're going through and some experience of it. There is a return ticket but you have to want to come back and you have to break some patterns yourself. Isolating yourself, not speaking out, having expectations of youself that you wouldn't dream of enforcing on others, the paranoia... all understandable and all have to be addressed with support but ultimately by yourself.

So, has the depression broken you heart and soul, or has it given you the backbone of a very strong vertebrated creature? You want some happy memories? Well it's time to start creating them m'dear. You've spoken out on here, it's a start. Keep going and you will get there.

Besides, if you give up now, look at all us little pixels you'll upset, it just wouldn't be cricket! ;0)

[Octavius]

We understand that you are in a lonely and frightening place. As you will see from the above that although it is the internet, that many people on Answerbank are genuine caring people and value the people around them in this cyber-place and want, in essence, to be with you on this journey. The continued responses and follow ups also show that people care. You cannot see them, but it seems there are many people watching out for you � without you even realising. Of all the places they could be, they are speaking with you here right now.

I myself cannot pretend to be a healer or a problem solver, but I am a caring person and I care about people I don�t even know, or at least haven�t seen in the flesh (maybe one or two). Whether they are attractive or not never seems to matter.

I don�t see any harm in being indulgent or griping about how bleak life looks for you, we see a fair bit of it here. Things change. On another day it will be different. There is only so much we can do of course, but you ought to know that the AB crowd are generally happy to talk any time night and day. Often it is easier to write things down and someone will always answer.

I understand you have considered suicide, but have you considered that this is not the only answer?

[daffy654]

Hello again ripley.I have googled until my eyes almost fell out and I have to say I think I found the best support services in your general area. One of these may be of some help to you but of course you need to make the initial approach to them,whether it be by phone or email. I wish you the best of luck and remember you can always find someone here willing to listen without judgement. I may not have experience of what you are going through but would like to think I could offer a friendly ear if nothing else.

http://www.carersinherts.org.uk/reg_events.htm

http://www.equip.nhs.uk/topics/neuro/neurolog. html#links

http://www.healthboards.com/boards/index.php?g clid=CJO7vYGu-5ECFQ9QQgodtxmUxQ

http://www.hertsbedsandbucks.com/Medical_and_H ealthCare/Mental_Health/index.html

[Ripley58]

I have been touched by the kindness and support shown me by members of answerbank. I will force myself to post if I continue to suffer and I will do my best not to feel guilty for imposing my feelings on people as I have always done in the past. Thank you all so much, particularly daffy 654 for the links. I'm actually feeling slightly better and I think it's because you have made me feel less alone. I accept any recovery will take a long time, but at least I'm feeling slightly more positive at this moment in time.

[daffy654]

Ripley please ignore people like fishyredhead,they get their jollies out of being nasty to people.They can't see beyond their own small world and that there are people going through genuine trauma.

I'm glad you are feeling more positive now.

Small steps is the way to go but you have made the biggest step of all by asking for help.xxx

[Ripley58]

Thanks daffy 654. I think fishyredhead has mistaken me for a man with their comments. I don't know whether to laugh or cry!

[Ice.Maiden]

Awww - hello there Ripley! It's made ME feel better just to see that you've come back to us to let us know what's happening. China and daffy've given you such good advice, and although it won't be an easy ride for you, I sense just a fraction of a breakthrough, in that you've managed to chat with the Samaritans and make a doctor's appointment. Well done hun! It's s small start, but one which you've done yourself. There's always someone on AB, almost 24/7, so don't be afraid to come on for a chat, or just to have a moan if you want to. Once you get your depression under control a bit more, then maybe we can all try & help you with ideas for rebuilding a new and better life - xx

[Theland]

Still thinking of you Ripley. You've had some good advice and lots of sympathy from well meaning people, and Chinas' post was particularly constructive I think, so make sure you get another good nights sleep and be sure to come back and post again tomorrow, Saturday, or start a new thread on Body & Soul.
I'll be looking out for you, and I'm sure others will as well.
God bless you.

[Theland]

Good morning Ripley.
Just a quick message to tell you that I am thinking of you.
Why don't you come down to the Religion & Spirituality section, which is a sub section of Society and Culture?
There's some good debates and chat going on there, and the latest question, from Luna, will attract many interesting responses.
You'll enjoy it.
Speak later.

[China Doll]

Good morning pumpkin,

Right I demand a smile! RIGHT NOW!! Come on, show me some teeth... you know you want to!!

Smiling releases feel good hormone type thingys that changes the chemical make up in the old noggin (this is true but I lack the scientific names!) and so I want to see an effort to find something to smile at on a daily basis.... Do not make me resort to youtube links, they're not big or clever.

I'd much prefer it if you smiled several tiimes so perhaps you miht want to pop down and see the sub sect as Theland suggests..

I said SMILE Dammit!! I really don't like it when people don't do what I say.... It's sort of a mini dictatorship dream I have.

Ooooh something that makes me smile... that mint source shampoo. It makes my head tingle and feel funny! :c)

[styley]

But here Ripley, I would just say, don't be using the internet to be your friend all the time. Try and get out and about in real life.

[Ripley58]

Sadly, I'm feeling terrible again after a bad night. It just seems never ending. I've spoken to the Samaritans again just to have some degree of human contact. I want to smile but everything seems so black and terrifying. I can't even be bothered to get dressed today.

[MK66]

Hi Ripley, I've just been reading the thread and then saw your new post just now. I don't know what to suggest that hasn't been already - but perhaps your medication needs adjusting? If The Samaritans haven't helped, then please ring your out-of-hours surgery or NHS Direct or get to your local hospital and seek help. 15 years ago my mum developed Alzheimers at the age of 60, her diagnosis was 2 months after my 2-year old was diagnosed with insulin dependent diabetes so I had to care for both of them whilst holding down a full-time job. I was stressed (and yes, depressed) for a while (left my partner and moved house too!) but there IS light at the end of the tunnel. Probably a phrase you've heard a hundred times and crass, I know. Please don't give up!

[Ripley58]

I'm on Risperidone for the treatment of the psychotic episodes and Lofepramine for the depression, fishyredhead.

[Ripley58]

I've been on the Risperidone for six months or so and the Lofepramine for considerably longer. I have had a bath and got dressed, but I am feeling so wretched that I am at present holding a pillow to my face and screaming into it with frustration. God knows what the neighbours must think!