Suicidal Thoughts

[Ripley58]

I experienced a psychotic episode last year and began hearing voices. I am also taking anti-depressants, but for the first time I have begun to feel suicidal. My mother has recently entered a home because she is suffering from dementia, my best friend is very seriously ill and my brother and I are no longer communicating. I do not have close family or friends to call upon and sadly I've never been popular and able to mix with people comfortably. At 50, the sense of loneliness and despair is all engulfing and I feel it's all too much and that my life and future prospects are never going to improve. I accept I sound like a self obsessed whinger, but I'm at the end of my tether and just don't know what to do.

[jane1098]

hey ripley
do you want to talk. whats going through your mind?

[Theland]

Never mind the neighbours. Do whatever it takes to release your frustration. Keep posting on here, and as I said earlier, come down to R & S and let off some steam.
Every post you make is welcome and valuable. Keep them coming.

[evedawn]

Please please ring and make an appt with your GP. GP's and their staff are there to HELP in cases like this. I work at a GP surgery and trust me no-one where I work would ever consider you attention seeking.

[Dudee]

sometimes life is totally rubbish and it all seems to come at once and sometimes even the strongest of people have weak moments but nothing is worth suicide - think of the good things the future could hold. I have a huge brain operation pending and have had some very low moments and also been to the GP - although not suicidal, but not wishing to go down the Prozac route she advised me to try a website: livinglifetothefull.co.uk. It's like an online, self help, getting rid of negative thoughts approach...give it whirl, everything is worth a try, and also what about exercise? I have just started running, signed up for the Bupa 10km - jogging is amazing for boosting those happy hormones, get out in the fresh air - I know it all sounds cliche but it does really work. Please keep positive - your ill friend needs you xx

[Ripley58]

I've just been for a walk to try and clear my head, but it's no good. I just cannot see a pleasant resolution. Everything is so black. I have no confidence in psychiatrists and doctors. I seem worse since they got their hands on me. I truly wish I had the courage to end it all, but I'm a coward and know it's not going to happen. This is so self indulgent. All I really want is a hug, but there is no one to just give some physical affection. Sorry for being so whiny. I want to die, but know it's not going to happen. I hate these feelings!!!

[Theland]

Well Ripley, you are doing the right thing by at least posting on here. You are entitled to a bloody good moan, for as long as you like and as often as you like.
As a previous poster said, you are valuable. We all value you, and look forward to hearing from you. Keep on talking and listen to the advice you get from other ABers.
If you were here with me right now, I would be hugging you like crazy.

[jane1098]

same here <<big massive hugs>>
i'll be here all day
what's making you feel so bad?

[Ripley58]

None of you know me and wouldn't hug me if you realised how much of a disaster I have made of my life and what I've done to myself. I laughed at fishyredheads comments when he/she assumed I was a man. Well, fishyredhead, I used to be. The truth is I had a sex change a number of years ago and its been a nightmare and I'm sure it is at the root of all my problems. I don't get picked on in the street or anything like that, but the confusion and trauma I feel now is so different from the way I used to feel about it all. I'm now expecting the sympathy I have experienced on this site to be lost in a well of 'serves you right', 'freak', or 'you made your bed so lie in it'. I accept that, and you would be right, but I hope not. This site has been a great help these past couple of days. I hope it doesn't evaporate with my honesty.

[Dudee]

this is all very sad, and if if makes you feel better I'm not dressed yet - but it's Saturday so what the hell.....right people we seriously have to save Ripley from herself....firstly, another big hug from me, secondly I am glad you went for a walk - it's a start. What about a dog? dogs are the best friends, I am clutching at straws now but I think you need more in your life to keep you occupied, yoga is also good and will get you out into the public and believe me I'm newly married and I still dont get enough affection.....is there not one friend you can call on? you don't need a huge circle of friends it's better to have just a handful of amazing ones.......keep screaming that does help, I do it in my car sometimes! and try to keep laughing even at the silly things - I wish I had the answer for you - we are all trying xx

[Theland]

Ripley. So what? You are a valuable human being, and a brave on to have gone through all that you have. It doesn't change a thing about how I feel towards you.
Keep on talking and banish those negative thoughts to the dustbin.

[Dudee]

...we crossed there...doesn't and shouldn't make any difference at all to anyone...not the true people, do you not get proper counselling and back up with sex changes?

[Ripley58]

Thank you Theland. You helped me to smile.

[Marijn]

I totally agree with Theland x

[Ripley58]

My experience was' you're on your own', post operatively, Dudee.

[Theland]

If you saw a picture of me, you would do more than smile, you'd split your sides!

[jane1098]

that doesn't change my mind. you are you and how you want to be. you want help and we are here.
its what's inside that counts.
<<big massive hugs>>

[Theland]

It's a pity Wizard from R & S isn't here. You could punch him. I always feel better for punching Wizard!

[Theland]

Ripley - I have just added you to my "Friends" list, so if you want to send and receive private messages, go to the "Sport" section, and follow the route to the pub / bar talk thingymajig, and register. Any problems, sing out.