Guilt

[TOWIE]

As some of you may know, the first Care Home my Mum was in she was physically abused. There has been an ongoing investigation since January into my allegations. I have just had a phone call from the Local Authority with the results. There were at least 20 other complaints aswell as mine. The Police were also involved, and the photos were shown to them of Mum's injuries, but because there were no dates on the photos, they couldn't verify when the injuries were inflicted.

The offshot of the investigation is, that the Manager was sacked, the Home obviously has changed hands (it was Southern Cross) and it has greatly improved with staffing levels and now has a Duty Manager aswell as a Manager.
They looked at my Mum's records and care plan, and found many discrepancies in them. Obivously we can never prove who inflicted those injuries on my Mum.

I thought I would feel better after the phone call, but now I feel even more guility for placing my poor Mum in that dreadful place, and knowning she endured this, just makes me want to weep.

Just thought I would update anyone that remembered me talking about it.
Den xx

[jno]

good news. I don't suppose any of the photos were digital ones that have the dates encoded?

[jno]

just read the Q headline and realised your real concern here... If you did your best, then there's no more that could have been done. If you made some real error or omission then by all means learn from it, but I imagine you did what most people would still do.

It's not your fault.

It's the fault of the people who carried out these abuses. They are absolutely the ones to blame.

[redcrx]

den,

You did not place your mum in there knowing what the place was going to be like, and from what i recall you removed your mum and found her a lovely place as soon as you found out about her injuries.

I suppose its natural to feel guilty as she isnt here to put you right, but it doesnt sound as if you have anyhing to feel bad about.

[Mamyalynne]

Guilt is an inbuilt emotion in many if not most of us, but Den we place our trust in those who are put there to care - sometimes we are let down. As said you did your best and could not have foreseen what happened, try as hard as you can to concentrate on the happy memories you have and parcel up the guilt.

I wish you well in the future - I understand how hard these things can be.

[micmak]

Den, I'm sure your Mum would not want you to feel any guilt. You did your best for her and when you realised what was happening you got her out of there. Rest easy my dear.♥

[TOWIE]

I didn't take the photos, Jno - the new Care Home did, they took the photos on the day she was transferred from the old Care Home. They were at fault for not bringing it to my attention and I didn't actually see the photos until Christmas Day, when visiting.

I know, Redcrx, I just have flashbacks as to what my Mum must have suffered at their hands, and I know she tried to tell me in her muddled way.

Its nice to know that the people we left behind in that first Care Home, obviously got better treatment and improved care, which is the outcome I wanted.

[Brenden]

What a lucky mum she is to have such a loving, caring daughter.

[TOWIE]

Thanks Mamy and Mickmak.

[TOWIE]

Thanks Brenden.

[jackthehat]

It is a crying shame that some people in the 'caring professions' seem to lack even the most basic compassion for those in their charge.
I remember your soul-searching about what to do for the best for your Mum, and the fact that you were duped in the first instance really isn't your fault;it isn't. The fault lies squarely at the door of the carehome staff.
I hope you take heart in the words of comfort you'll receive on here.
I'm sure your Mum wouldn't want you to berate yourself or judge yourself too harshly.
Bets wishes.
:o)

[rsvp]

You loved your Mum Towie - that's what matters

[cazzz1975]

I agree with all of the above comments, its not your fault, you were doing what you thought was best in difficult circumstances. x

[LoftyLottie]

Den, please try not to feel guilty. As you know the first care home my Mum was in was absolutely dreadful - there was no abuse but a lot of neglect and it was being kept watch on by social services. Like you with your Mum I got my Mum into a different care home which was excellent, but I still feel exceedingly guilty about the six months she spent in the first one.

It is good that things have now been sorted out. But, I can empathise with you totally with how you feel after that phone call.

What makes me so angry is that there are so many bad care homes about with residents who have no caring relatives are friends to fight battles for them.

As others have said you have been a loving, caring daughter. People tell me that as well, but I still feel guilty and probably always will.

Chin up and take care Den.

Love Lottie xx

[B00]

Awww Den, don't feel guilty, you didn't know or else you'd have acted sooner, hindsight is a wonderful thing, im sure your mum knew all this and certainly didn't hold you to blame for any of it.

xxxxxx

[Ann]

Years ago (1967) my Grandma was put into a home, she was in her 80s and getting a bit confused. At first she was happy there and even came out for days out with us and attended our wedding in 1968. A months later she started saying someone was "stealing my clothes, stealing things out of my handbag, reading my post to see if there was money inside etc etc " This was repeated every day - we all took it to be her mind going and just her imagination as we didn't really see anything amiss so every time we visited we said "No Grandma we think you're dreaming things" - she just shook her head and told us she did know what was happening. Grandma died in there at the end of 1968 - imagine our guilt when a few months later the manager of the home was arrested, went to trial and imprisoned for theft from her residents, fraud over fees etc etc with incidents going back for many years! Poor Grandma, how we wished we had believed her, and how guilty we all felt about her final few years.
I'm sure Den you have been a loving kind daughter to your Mum and I truly sympathise with you at how you are feeling. x

[emmie]

why do they treat the elderly worse than a cat or dog, i think it's despicable.

[DTCwordfan]

Have you consulted a lawyer yet?.

You placed her into their care in good faith - you shouldn't feel guilt but that is easier to say than do, we all know that.

However, despite the police not being able to tie down the evidence, you may have a civil case for a gross negligence of duty of care. Given consultations are free, in your shoes (which I am not), I would certainly be considering this action.

[TOWIE]

Just been chatting to my Dad on the phone, giving him the news, couldn't get hold of him earlier on. He feels the same as me, guilty, but glad that we saved other residents for any further harm. That was our main aim, even though others had made complaints, I was the only one that actually removed my Mum from the Home, and started the ball rolling, apparently.

Thanks, JTH, rsvp, Cazzz, Lottie and B00. xx

I'm off now, have a little weep while the house is quiet and collect my thoughts together. Then move on from this nightmare and try to get back to normal, whatever normal is.....xxx

[B00]

God bless Den xxx

[LoftyLottie]

What help will that be to Den though, DT. What will it achieve. Just more stress to her and her family. The Manager has been sacked, the regime has been changed and the other residents will benefit now - thanks to Den. A lawyer can't change what has happened. I doubt whether Den would wants financial compensation.