20 year old son

[ruthandsam]

At what age does your 20 year old son stop talking to you like a piece of poo?

Ok, he has problems and is seeing a counsellor as he was sexually abused when he was a young lad but I just can't to see a way forward. He has no job and has no inclination of looking for one. He doesn't want to learn to drive and basically does what he has to around the house, ie: his own washing, cooking and ironing which is brill!

He does pay a little towards the bills but does not have a social life or any friends. Half of me feels very sorry for him and I yearn to be able to help him, however, I'm really at a loss as to what to do. I've tried being nice, supporting him and being available for chats, being horrible and threatening him, which I then feel very guilty about.

Any advice please?

[cathfromsaron]

i suggest you BOTH join a survivers group and YOU have counselling and assertiveness training!

making you a victim is unacceptable, however his temperament was caused!

[sinderella]

At what age does your 20 year old son stop talking to you like a piece of poo?
the day that you stop letting him.

[Brinjal]

Agree with cath You both need help dealing with this. Sounds as if he is suffering from depression.

[ruthandsam]

Thanks for your replies. Yes, my son is being treated for depression with anti-depressants and has tried and tested most of the drugs that the GP has to offer but to no avail. We are both receiving counselling but separately but for different issues so maybe I will mention the situation when I next have my appointment.

As to how to stop my son from talking to me the way he does, I'm at a loss. It is all very well saying "the day I stop letting him", however, this is not very helpful as I explained that I have tried many methods but to no avail. I still have to be supportive to him but I also deserve respect from him - that is the difficult part.

[joeluke]

'At what age does your 20 year old son stop talking to you like a piece of poo?'

Nipping it in the bud the very first time he first talked to you this way would have been your best option


Stable door, horse bolted etc

[bednobs]

really really useful advice there jo - i imagine you a bit like harry enfield's character "you didn't want to do that".
Ruth - clearly according to joe you need to invent a time machine.
Could he move out?

[joeluke]

Bednobs.....no time machine needed, just the strength of character not to let kids rule the roost

[ladyalex]

He does his own washing, cooking and ironing and he pays some money for board....you're doing better than a lot of people so far.
He probably does not want to discuss his problems with you and you certainly cannot get a social life for him.
I can only suggest that you ignore his negative comments etc and praise his good points.

The most positive (and very difficult) thing that he is doing is going for counselling. Make sure he knows that you respect him for doing this.
Tell him that you appreciate his doing his washing etc.
If he is depressed, which sounds likely, his bad attitude may not be entirely under his control. Irritability and grumpiness are symptoms of depression and are often visited on the ones closest to the depressed person.
Being threatening and horrible will not do any good. It will just antagonise him and make you feel guilty.
Hang in there . It might take a long time, but he will come out of it in the end.

One final thought..and not a nice one...do you think he blames you for the earlier abuse ? and do you think he has reason to ?
If he does, then it is an issue that I would expect his Counsellor would go through with him.
If you think he has reason to, it is something for you and your counsellor to discuss.

[Kassee]

You say he was sexually abused when he was a young lad - well this will have a huge impact on him - he deserves all your support. No wonder he is depressed and doesn't have much of a social life. This could well affect him all his life - surely you realize that.

[lcg]

he may well be a person who does not want to be social and likes his own company - by nagging him to do more than he is able may always be a sticking point....but it is what we mums do. i would leave him to his own devices as long as he is not harming himself or others and not try to make him do things you feel he should. it's a source of conflict in my household with my 19 yr old as well. i've learnt just to shut up and leave him alone. far more peaceful (and mine's a lazy toerag who doesn't do any housework!!!) x