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AndiFlatland

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AndiFlatland
My shower hose has developed a small split, which is gradually opening up with continued use, and spurts water out in a narrow jet (...yes, I know that's exactly what you want in a shower - but it has...
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AndiFlatland
A few weeks ago, I had some annoying twinges of mild pain in one or two of my teeth, and thought I would buy a tube of Sensodyne next time I went to the shops. But in the meantime, I recalled that I...
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AndiFlatland
About 20 years ago I bought a very smart nail file from the local branch of Boots. Instead of the usual textured metal surface, it was covered on both sides with a layer of tiny, almost microscopic...
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AndiFlatland
Sadly, it won't be too long before we return to the horrid gloom of early dark afternoons. Ask people the question 'How many months are we in BST, and how many in GMT?', and most will answer something...
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AndiFlatland
I've always been a law-abiding citizen, and I've only had the most minor brushes with the police throughout my 65 years. But within the space of a few months, I have been served with 2 fines. On the...
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AndiFlatland
Back in the 80s, or perhaps the 90s, there was an Australian guy who used to pilot a helicopter all over Australia, and often made reckless and breathtaking moves which could easily have ended in...
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AndiFlatland
For most of my life, I've adopted the continental style of writing the number 7, with a short horizontal bar across the vertical stroke. This has become quite prevalent in many British people's...
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AndiFlatland
Which was the best disco band ever to come out of Wiltshire? Earth Swindon Fire...
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AndiFlatland
How does a cat vajazzle herself for a night out? She uses cat glitter....
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AndiFlatland
There are l0 different types of people in this world... Those who understand binary... And those who don't...
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AndiFlatland
Why did the chicken cross the möbius strip? To get to the same side....
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AndiFlatland
How do you stop a fountain from running away? You put it in a fountain pen....
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AndiFlatland
I wonder if anybody remembers this, and can tell me where it originated. I think it was back in the 70s, that Kenny Everett - perhaps - kept running a mad sound clip that ran for about 2 or 3 minutes....
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AndiFlatland
What's the capital of Legoland? Bricks-ton....
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AndiFlatland
I've recently been reminded of this one, partly by all the ballyhoo going on about the Russian winter olympics, and partly by seeing the latest episode of Jeremy Wade's River Monsters series on ITV2...
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AndiFlatland
A man calls in the local vet to his sheep farm. "One of my sheep keeps having babies", he tells the vet, "and she seems to keep abandoning them. But it's like she's just forgotten where she's left...
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AndiFlatland
I decided to come her to gather support for my very interesting and worthwhile campaign. The campaign is very simple: I want to have the word 'day' replaced by 'degg'. That way, each week would run:...
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AndiFlatland
A man goes into the doctor's surgery, and says "Doctor, I'm having terrible trouble saying F's and TH's". The doctor thinks about this for a moment, then fixes the man with a wicked grin, and says...
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AndiFlatland
Most people don't know this, but Jesus was not the first son of God - he was actually the seventh. Before Jesus, there was Asus, Besus, Cesus... you can see where this one's going. Not my joke - it's...
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AndiFlatland
There used to be another variety of spotted dick. It was called smoked dick. You needed to use a cock roach....

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