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Its hard for me to resent a 4 year old who despite his age has adapted well to many changes. Lisa it sounds like your step son is a real handfull, I hope my partners little one will grow up and be mature enough to accept he has a mum, a dad but that they will have new partners who dont want to replace a role but will invent a new role almost for themselves.
I have secretly wondered how things would be if she wasnt a single mum, if it was just us. But thinking that way can only breed resentment, the situation is what it is. I wasnt naive when we got together, I realised that despite my love for her and my acceptance of her son (which has turned into a bond, perhaps not love yet) I would be second best in all areas. But our relationship is fantastic, as I said we only disagree about the boy because she has parental love and I get frustrated that a. I dont always understand what the boy needs b. I mis-interpret his behaviour c. He is starting to play us off against each other. She will agree with me infront of him to show a united front but then when he goes to bed will tell me I was wrong in how i delt with the particular situation. Dont get me wrong it isnt all the time, a lot of the time we get the balance spot on.
Last night though, he acted up when I was getting him in his pyjamas and told me he hates me (i dont take it to heart its because he didnt want to go to bed). His mum came home and he ran up to her saying he hated me and he only loves his mum. He gave his mum a big hug (facing me) and gave me a smile as if to say "Ha I won, she loves me". Now some may say he is 4 he wouldnt have been that crafty - but beleive me they can be so clever when it suits them. Now I have the maturity to not rise to it, infact a giggled to myself. I would often play my parents off (im told) kids will do this. There are many times he says he loves me and any time we spend together is usually full of laughter and fun, no resentment either way. But on the odd occassion I do wonder how we would be if it was just me and my partner.... thats normal though??