Crosswords2 mins ago
Anyone just fancy a lighthearted laugh?
13 Answers
Do you know any rude (ish) jokes?
No mudslinging allowed!!!!!!!!
No mudslinging allowed!!!!!!!!
Answers
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A wealthy oil baron, lying on his death bed, is visited by his 3 sons, all of whom he has been estranged from for several years.
He looks at his first son and says, "I don't know what you're doing here. You never cared about me. All you ever cared about was money - you even married a woman called Penny!"
He looks at his second son and says, "Don't know why you bothered coming. You never gave a toss about me. All you ever cared about was drink - You even married a woman called Stella!"
He looks at his youngest son, who shoots his wife a quick glance and says, "C'mon Fanny - we're not staying here to be insulted!"
Don't all rush at once........
He looks at his first son and says, "I don't know what you're doing here. You never cared about me. All you ever cared about was money - you even married a woman called Penny!"
He looks at his second son and says, "Don't know why you bothered coming. You never gave a toss about me. All you ever cared about was drink - You even married a woman called Stella!"
He looks at his youngest son, who shoots his wife a quick glance and says, "C'mon Fanny - we're not staying here to be insulted!"
Don't all rush at once........
Little Johnny went to his father and said, 'Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically', Can you help me?'.
The father thought for a moment, then said, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course I would! we could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
Next he asked his sister, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
Then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' he said, 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
'Well', his father said, 'Did you find out the difference?'.
Little Johnny replied, 'Yes....... 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but 'realistically', ........ we're living with two slags and a *******.
The father thought for a moment, then said, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course I would! we could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
Next he asked his sister, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
Then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' he said, 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
'Well', his father said, 'Did you find out the difference?'.
Little Johnny replied, 'Yes....... 'potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.............. but 'realistically', ........ we're living with two slags and a *******.
One day in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been? God pointed downwards through the clouds.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it? ''It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance
''Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused, God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that? ''Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE! God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of ******* I'm putting down South !
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it? ''It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance
''Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused, God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that? ''Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE! God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of ******* I'm putting down South !
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