Naildit - please, please read the answers to your post. There isn't one that isn't empathic and trying somehow to help you. Have you read mine?
Yes, I have been in blank despair, hoping to die so that I would be spared life - but life thought differently.
PLEASE read all the posts. You are a good person, repeat good person, trapped in circumstances. You can change these.
Why do I know that you are a good person? Because you are unhappy, you don't like how things are, you know that you have more to offer - but somehow it doesn't happen for you.
Well, IT CAN, you can change things. You need a mind switch and no-one can do that for you. If you can do that you can build and you'll always have support here. That's all you have to do.
We are a community of ordinary people - we all want you to climb out of your trough of despond.
Come on, Nailedit, we all think you are worth our efforts. Prove us right!