Boyfriend?!?!?!

[ellenblue]

Hi all, i was hoping maybe some of you could give me some advice on this issue please.  I have been seeing a man for about 8 months now, I have known him for about 8 years.  We seem to get on very well when we are together but he is very off with me quite a bit of the time, he says that he doesn't want a full relationship but then tells me that i cannot see other people if i wanted to.  He has recently been very depressed and had a fine to pay but chose to go to prison rather than pay it, I was one of only 3 people he told about all this and I have been speaking to him on the phone and been up to see him and have also had lots of contact with his parents which he knows about and is happy with, what i want to know is if there is any possibility that when he gets out if we would be together properly or if i'm wasting my time as he blows hot and cold a lot of the time but then other times he can be very affectionate and spends a lot of time with me, is he just confused and depressed or leading me on? Sorry to go on a bit but its really getting to me now, thanx in advance x

[Casey]

Sounds to me like you know you can do better!! My friend was in a similar situation, her man went to prison for theft or something but before he went down he was overly posessive of her, yet he was continually flirting with girls in front of her and doing childish things like that! She saw sense when he went to prison and knew she could do better. He's playing you for a fool, and if he'd rather go to prison than to pay a fine then that must kind of tell you he's a waste of space.

[ellenblue]

Thanks for your answer Casey.  He told me that he wanted to go to prison to sort his head out as he drank a lot and smoked a lot of cannabis also so I thought that maybe that is why he was off with me

[andy hughes]

I think you should be wary of any man who dictates the company you may or may not keep. If you really like this guy, then by all means see him on a casual basis, but if he starts putting pressure on you, then walk - it sounds like you will inherit a series of problems you really don't need.

[ellenblue]

I do really like this guy, I do not want it to be casual anymore though as thats what it is at the moment but I think 8 months is a long time to be casual with someone, I would like something a bit more serious and am unsure if I am likely to get it, I may have worded my question wrong before.

[Casey]

Get out of it while you can girl. No man needs to go to prison to sort their head out! That is ridiculous!! Believe it or not there are some decent men out there, you deserve someone who will sweep you off your feet and be there for you all the time.

[KittyGlitter]

Think about what you want from a man and if this guy cannot give you what you want, then there is no reason why you cannot find a man who can. From what you've said, he doesn't sound like he has much to offer you. It's unfortunate he has issues but I know what its like to get involved with someone like that. They usually drag you down with them. You need to be with someone who inspires you and makes you feel good otherwise there's no point. I don't believe we have to be involved with people in order to 'fix' them or to live in hope of them changing. Sounds like he needs to sort himself out before getting into a relationship with anyone. You sound like a caring person and he could be taking advantage of that but you need to put yourself first.

[landie]

It sounds to me that you do not want to decide your own position until you know what his position is. It may be because he has previously hurt your feelings or maybe not. Do you think that he can sense your middle of the road stance and is holding back himself waiting for you to declare your feelings first.

It seems to me that if you wait for each other you will be waiting a long time. You must decide, on what you know, whether or not this is the man for you. If he is then tell him and ask for a candid response in return. Good luck.

[ellenblue]

Thank you landie, you are quite right in what you said, I am holding back for the fear that he may reject me.  I have mentioned to him once before but it was after we had been seeing each other for a month and thats when he told me that he didn't want a serious relationship but then things progressed a lot since then and as he is in "rehabilitation" should I call it, I keep holding out for the possibility that it will go somewhere but don't want to make the first move in case I end up losing him completely which I am scared of as I have a lot of feelings for him.  I am very confused at the minute.

[Casey]

If your feelings are that strong for him then wait for him to do his time in prison and see if he comes to you. Don't go chasing him etc, wait for him to call you and see how he is with you once he's out. Then if he seems interested you need to have a chat with him about exactly where your relationship is going.

[woofgang]

ellenblue, can we know your age? no offence but I think the wait/not wait thing could depend a bit on whether you are 16 or thereabouts or older

[ellenblue]

I'm 22 wolfgang

[landie]

Good luck, whatever you decide ellenblue.

[woofgang]

umm, that means that you have known him since you were 14? With the greatest respect I think that you should look elsewhere for a relationship now that you are an adult