When I'm gone

[bigmamma]

Hello friends , how many of you have elderly relatives and can tell me if this is normal for my step fathers age.
I find that over the last couple of weeks he seems to use this " When I 've gone " way of thinking . He has always been very positive about life , and looked to the future , but that spark seems to have gone. He is concerned that his granchildren are so far way , and everything he buys he says the guarentee will see him out. He is telling us all what , in his house , he wants us to have , special individual something for each of us , and says we can decide on the rest . It upsets me to hear him talk about this but , am I being silly , do all elderly people talk about the end ? He is 84 , and I love him dearly , bless him .

[bensmum]

Hi bigmamma. My mother is nearly 80 and she comes out with that sort of thing at times. She says things like .. At Christmas, if I'm still here and also that a long guarantee is no good as she won't be around. It's difficult to understand at times but I suppose they would say that realistically long term plans are no good. My mum doesn't say what she wants us to have in the house (yet). I think it's probably harder for us to comprehend but perhaps if we get to that age we may think along the same lines.

[bigmamma]

That's what I hoped bensmum , that it may well be something we will find ourselves doing at that age . Is'nt it a scary thought knowing that one day .......

[tickledtrout]

Hi bigmamma, my Nan has been like this for years. She is also 84.
She always says If I am still here at Christmas or Birthday etc I want to do this or that.
About 8 years ago she wanted to got to Oberammagau to see the passion play but because it is shown only every 10 years she didn't want to risk paying for it and then not being here!
I don't like it either, especially when she starts talking about her will, I want her not her possessions

[theonlyone]

Hi mamma how about you getting the
GP to have him assessed by a geriatrician ..
or maybe a medication review ...
If he is on his own and can't get out ..how
about a day club as they pick him up
and bring him home ...so he would be
interacting with other people for a few hours ..
a sad situation ..good luck ..

[bigmamma]

Yes tickledtrout , that's right , I don't want to be thinking about his possessions , just him . It makes me feel more calmed though to know other elderly people talk like this too . He is the only elderly relative I have ever had , as my relatives have tended to die younger .
He does live alone now my mum has passed away , but he doesn't want to do social things . We meet up in town several times a week and he manages the bus with his stick , even though he has slowed right down lately.
He only just had his medical check theonlyone , and is only on medication for his arthritis.

[Velvetee]

My mother is 82 and also says similar things, like "If I live to see another Christmas", or "when I'm dead I want to be buried here there or wherever".

maybe as they become older and feel older and weaker, they are more aware that death is inevitable. When we are younger, we always think we still have years to go and make plans in accordance.

I guess it's only sensible for him to say what he wants to happen after his death, now. At least it will make things easier for those loved ones left behind.

[theonlyone]

The old boy I care for would go to a day
club but he is not the right criteria to go !!!
So he is at home and can only go out when
I take to see his friend ..but I go every day
in the morning to get him up and motivated ..
Was it the The Who "who sang I hope I
die before I get old " as I will not have anyone
to look out for me ....

[moonshadow]

Yes bigmamma this is very normal unfortunately. It's been my pleasure to have worked with a number of elderly people as well as looked after several elderly members of my family and they all say similar things. I have found at times when the elderly start to lose their confidence in the autumn of their lives they will say these thing for reassurance. Sometimes just responding with a jokey 'you have years to go yet' will give them the assurance they need. It is upsetting but he probably doesn't want to burden you, so he's sorting things while he can. What a lovely caring person he sounds. I'm sure he loves you just as much.

[bigmamma]

Thank you velvetee , and moonshadow , it's good to hear your welcome words and your experience of the elderly .
I was beginning to think he knew something we didn't , but now hopefully he will have lots more years talking about after he's gone :-)

[Wozzawasp]

Hello Bigmamma. I'm 80 and I guess that I'm guilty of the "when I'm gone" type of thinking. As far as my various goods and chattels are concerned, I've written a list of how I'd like them to be distributed, which is attached to my will. I thought that this will save a bit of misery for all concerned.
I certainly hope to be around for a good time yet, provided that I've still got all my marbles and can move about a bit BUT I am aware that I've lived longer than all my family, and therefore I can't be too optomistic. This doesn't bother me, but it's difficult to think otherwise at this age. Fortunately when the time comes I don't think I'll have the religious thing to worry about! I hope that you enjoy the old feller for a good time yet!

[bigmamma]

Hello there Wozzawasp , thank you for posting with your reassurance , lovely to meet you , and I hope you will be around for a lot more years too , you sound lovely :-) xxx

[johnny.5]

hi bigmamma
my great auntie margaret god bless her soul
used to sayevery new year when taking down the christmas decorations ' I doubt I will ever need these again '
she began saying it at about 80
she lived on her own did her own shopping and was very independent altho very frail
she fell out of bed one night and broke her hip aged 93 she was too frail for a replacement and was forced to goand livein an old folks home
she died about 7 years ago aged 100 years and a few weeks
R.I.P. auntie margaret xx

[bigmamma]

Hi johnny , your Auntie Margaret sounds as though she was a tough determined lady bless her :-)
xxx

[tickledtrout]

Agree with bigmamma there, Wozzawasp you do sound lovely

[tiggerblue10]

Hi BM, It is quite worrying when they talk like that. I know someone who talks like that and they are only 65. I wish they wouldn't talk like that but I guess its their way of accepting the inevitable when it comes. I don't even want to think about it really :-( x

[yogasun]

Hi bigmamma. It can be upsetting but sometimes a person's realisation of their mortality suddenly hits them.
I assume he's not (unbeknown to you) worried about anything healthwise?

I think this is quite normal though my dear late dad who was 94 when he died would never even discuss anything about funerals, etc. which made it hard for me to know what he would have wanted.
Just be there for him and reassure him that all is well and tell him that he has years yet. xxx

[midagetrolop]

My mother is also 84 and says the same things. So don't worry I think it must come with big ages.

[bigmamma]

Thank you tigger , yogasun , and , nice to meet you midagetrolop :-)
xxxxxxx

[weeal]

Hi mamma and everyone

My wee mum does that, she's 75, and she keeps saying when Im gone you make sure you get this n that, its horrible!