Connections #324 Tuesday 30 April
Quizzes & Puzzles1 min ago
My ex wanting children at xmas (sorry i know its early)!!!
35 Answers
I have just had a phone call from my ex.
He wanted to talk about this christmas, he says he wants to have our 3 children on christmas day as he only see them last two christmas's on boxing day.
Last year i tried to comprimise in saying he could have them about 11 and they could stay over, so we both see out children on christmas day, this was not enough for him he wanted the whole day or nothing atall, in the end he had them boxing day.
Now he wants them christmas day and i really dont want him to have them. He pays nothing to me for the children and he works and earns good money (have been chasing through csa). He lives with his girlfriend and her daughter. He sees our children on a regular basis one night a week, yet still he pays me nothing.
I really dont see why i should let him have the children on xmas day this year, if my sons were not at home i dont think i would even want to get out of bed, what would be the point?
I want to say again to him about having them in the afternoon but i know he will say no, adn there will be an argument.
I dont know whether to ask the children what they would like to do, but dont want them to feel like im making them choose, just say something like ' would you like to see daddy on xmas day or boxing day and it doesnt matter which day i wont mind'. they are 11, 8 and 6.
As an extra thought he always has tried to control me, he wouldnt let me re-mortgage etc., and has always stood in the way of my trying to move on.
Or shall i just tell my ex no as that is really what i want to say, its so hard to know what to do for the best??
any advice would be greatly appreciated.x
He wanted to talk about this christmas, he says he wants to have our 3 children on christmas day as he only see them last two christmas's on boxing day.
Last year i tried to comprimise in saying he could have them about 11 and they could stay over, so we both see out children on christmas day, this was not enough for him he wanted the whole day or nothing atall, in the end he had them boxing day.
Now he wants them christmas day and i really dont want him to have them. He pays nothing to me for the children and he works and earns good money (have been chasing through csa). He lives with his girlfriend and her daughter. He sees our children on a regular basis one night a week, yet still he pays me nothing.
I really dont see why i should let him have the children on xmas day this year, if my sons were not at home i dont think i would even want to get out of bed, what would be the point?
I want to say again to him about having them in the afternoon but i know he will say no, adn there will be an argument.
I dont know whether to ask the children what they would like to do, but dont want them to feel like im making them choose, just say something like ' would you like to see daddy on xmas day or boxing day and it doesnt matter which day i wont mind'. they are 11, 8 and 6.
As an extra thought he always has tried to control me, he wouldnt let me re-mortgage etc., and has always stood in the way of my trying to move on.
Or shall i just tell my ex no as that is really what i want to say, its so hard to know what to do for the best??
any advice would be greatly appreciated.x
Answers
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Aside from the maintenance issues it would seem fair that he sees them christmas day as he has only seen them boxing day for the last few christmas's.
However....
Taking in to account the maintenance issues and the fact that you will be on your own for christmas without your kids, could you not appeal to his better nature? Or does he not have one.
Alternatively...
You could say you've already booked something (visit from someone, christmas lunch... anything!) for the day and can't undo it but he can have them next year?
Or even...
Is there any way you could all manage to have christmas lunch together?
Sorry poppet, don't know what to suggest. My birthday is boxing day and even though my parents split years a go, dad used to come round on christmas day for lunch. These days I tend to do my own thing on christmas day and see him boxing day, because it's still an 'occasion' I've been able to get away with it more though I guess.
However....
Taking in to account the maintenance issues and the fact that you will be on your own for christmas without your kids, could you not appeal to his better nature? Or does he not have one.
Alternatively...
You could say you've already booked something (visit from someone, christmas lunch... anything!) for the day and can't undo it but he can have them next year?
Or even...
Is there any way you could all manage to have christmas lunch together?
Sorry poppet, don't know what to suggest. My birthday is boxing day and even though my parents split years a go, dad used to come round on christmas day for lunch. These days I tend to do my own thing on christmas day and see him boxing day, because it's still an 'occasion' I've been able to get away with it more though I guess.
Ive known couples who share the day. Ie one year the mum with have kids xmas eve and xmas morn and then they go to dads after lunch and the following year they swap. One year they even booked a meal out for xmas dinner so that they spent lunch together. Is that an option.
Will you really be on your own or will your partner be with you?
Will you really be on your own or will your partner be with you?
No my partner will be with me and his son, spending it with his son is fine as he calls me mummy but i knwo for a fact i will spend the day in tears.
i want to do that, where they open their present in the morning and they to go to him for lunch and the rest of the day i really dont see the problems in that, but he is selfish and wants it all or nothing atall.
REV im glad you see what i mean, he is a man that works and pays nothing honestly. (i tell a lie he has paid e a one off payment of �80), and yes he pays for her daughter and she does not work his girlfriend i mean.
i want to do that, where they open their present in the morning and they to go to him for lunch and the rest of the day i really dont see the problems in that, but he is selfish and wants it all or nothing atall.
REV im glad you see what i mean, he is a man that works and pays nothing honestly. (i tell a lie he has paid e a one off payment of �80), and yes he pays for her daughter and she does not work his girlfriend i mean.
Well just lay the law down then.
Say they will be spending christmas morning with you and then either he can collect them or you can drop them off for christmas lunch with him.
You have them back lunch time boxing day.
That seems an entirely fair solution so do that confused.
He's not going to turn up on christmas day shouting the odds now is he if he'll be with his mrs anyway so you've nothing to lose.
And if he says he won't see them at all in that case it's his loss and he can live with it.
Say they will be spending christmas morning with you and then either he can collect them or you can drop them off for christmas lunch with him.
You have them back lunch time boxing day.
That seems an entirely fair solution so do that confused.
He's not going to turn up on christmas day shouting the odds now is he if he'll be with his mrs anyway so you've nothing to lose.
And if he says he won't see them at all in that case it's his loss and he can live with it.
I agree with China.
If he paid for his child it would be a bit different in the respect that he doesn't think it is important for him to pay for his children its not important that they dont spend the day with him.
I would just say to him you pay for your partners child but not your own. Why is that?
If he paid for his child it would be a bit different in the respect that he doesn't think it is important for him to pay for his children its not important that they dont spend the day with him.
I would just say to him you pay for your partners child but not your own. Why is that?
Hi Confused MAMA KINS other half here. I understand fully where you are coming from about why he shouldn't have them. Why should he when he doesn't pay mainenance? My partner is in a similar situation and all reasonable communications have broken down with her ex. However that is not the question in hand.
This money issue aside you seem to have a fairly reasonable relationship with him - as long as he gets his way. Did you leave him and damage his ego?
The way we played it in the past is that her ex will have his daughter for a week over christmas or new year and alternate it every year. This suits all parties and everyone knows where they stand.
This year is different as her Father hasn't asked when he can have her over the holidays yet. So we asked what she wanted to do (She is 9). For a kid she sees it as straight forward. "Mummy, I was with you last year and its only fair that I see Daddy this year - not that I don't love you but I don't see him very often". Fair enough, and we have told her father that this is what she wants to do and it has been agreed.
Now I know that this kills my partner but we decided before we asked her that she is old enough to choose where she wants to be.
Now, your case is slightly different and it sounds that you live near each other if you can share a day.
My suggestion would be then, if he is completely dead set against half day that you ask your kids where they want to be on Xmas Day and whatever they say you will not get cross or be upset. And then tell their Father that this is what they want.
Think of it this way. If they decide to be with their Father on Xmas Day, that gives you an extra day to make the house as seasonal as possible and ensure that they have the best boxing day ever. Go to town about it treat boxing day as if it was Christmas Day, hide their presents around the house and do a treasure hunt - the kids will appreciate it and think its brilliant - if
This money issue aside you seem to have a fairly reasonable relationship with him - as long as he gets his way. Did you leave him and damage his ego?
The way we played it in the past is that her ex will have his daughter for a week over christmas or new year and alternate it every year. This suits all parties and everyone knows where they stand.
This year is different as her Father hasn't asked when he can have her over the holidays yet. So we asked what she wanted to do (She is 9). For a kid she sees it as straight forward. "Mummy, I was with you last year and its only fair that I see Daddy this year - not that I don't love you but I don't see him very often". Fair enough, and we have told her father that this is what she wants to do and it has been agreed.
Now I know that this kills my partner but we decided before we asked her that she is old enough to choose where she wants to be.
Now, your case is slightly different and it sounds that you live near each other if you can share a day.
My suggestion would be then, if he is completely dead set against half day that you ask your kids where they want to be on Xmas Day and whatever they say you will not get cross or be upset. And then tell their Father that this is what they want.
Think of it this way. If they decide to be with their Father on Xmas Day, that gives you an extra day to make the house as seasonal as possible and ensure that they have the best boxing day ever. Go to town about it treat boxing day as if it was Christmas Day, hide their presents around the house and do a treasure hunt - the kids will appreciate it and think its brilliant - if
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Im not religous its about seeing their faces on christmas morning thinking father christmas has been, although my 11 year old obviously knows its me!.
i dont want them to not see either of us on xmas day, thats why i thought it was a better idea for them to see both of us on the day, but as i said he just wont comprimise, he has always been like this.
I never not let him see them, and its never been set in stone when he has them, he does take the pee out of me he will only let me know which day HE can have them abut a day before! and i can never make any plans to do things with them of on my own, this is what i mean about him still trying to control me, my partner gets so angry about it.
To me its like he tries to justify nto paying any money by giving them present that are OTT and having them on christmas day so he can spoil them , its all very materialistic to me and its unfair to them.
i dont want them to not see either of us on xmas day, thats why i thought it was a better idea for them to see both of us on the day, but as i said he just wont comprimise, he has always been like this.
I never not let him see them, and its never been set in stone when he has them, he does take the pee out of me he will only let me know which day HE can have them abut a day before! and i can never make any plans to do things with them of on my own, this is what i mean about him still trying to control me, my partner gets so angry about it.
To me its like he tries to justify nto paying any money by giving them present that are OTT and having them on christmas day so he can spoil them , its all very materialistic to me and its unfair to them.
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I have always asked the kids what they want to do ~ it has never been up to what either me or my ex wants.
For the last 4 years they have been here with us, as this is what they have wanted...however when the marriage first broke up they spent the following 6 years celebrating with their dad, and as he lives 150 miles away it was for a week, not a day!
It wasn't ever presented to them as a choice in the way of 'choose me or dad'..it was asking them what they wanted to do and no matter what their decision I put a brave face on it. This is for the children's welfare, not the parents and although I can see you are angry about him not supporting you financially I see that as a separate issue.
For the last 4 years they have been here with us, as this is what they have wanted...however when the marriage first broke up they spent the following 6 years celebrating with their dad, and as he lives 150 miles away it was for a week, not a day!
It wasn't ever presented to them as a choice in the way of 'choose me or dad'..it was asking them what they wanted to do and no matter what their decision I put a brave face on it. This is for the children's welfare, not the parents and although I can see you are angry about him not supporting you financially I see that as a separate issue.
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Paying maintenance and access/contact are 2 completely different issues and should be treated as such. Mums and dads to not pay to see their children, they pay for a roof over their heads, clothes, food etc etc - to see them is a right for the CHILD not the absent parent. What do you tell your children when they get older? You couldn't see daddy/mummy cos he wouldn't pay? So, money was far more important than them seeing their dad/mum then?
In answer to the OP's Q, I think your compromise from last year is great but as you have had them for the last 2 xmas's I don't feel his request is unreasonable. Why not have 2 xmas days? What a great way for children to spend xmas - 2 lots of presents
In answer to the OP's Q, I think your compromise from last year is great but as you have had them for the last 2 xmas's I don't feel his request is unreasonable. Why not have 2 xmas days? What a great way for children to spend xmas - 2 lots of presents
When he gives you what you are legally entitled to you will give him reasonable access. He has the power. Until then do as you like. If you let him have the kids he has no reason to pay you. It's a pity that the kids have to be used as a bargaining tool but it is his doing. Who do the kids want to be with?
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