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Dramatic change in relations between UK and USA. Message from H.M. the Queen earlier today

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Zeuhl | 19:55 Wed 07th Nov 2012 | News
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To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.



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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
Lol, that's funny.
like it!!
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Glad you like it

Rumour has it that John Cleese is the author - I'm not sure
He think did get one thing wrong though, Andie Macdowell didn't put an English accent on in Four Weddings, he'd have been better off bring up Don Cheadles embarrassing efforts in Ocean's Eleven.
Rules 4,13 and 15 are especially important ;) Mind you the US cops and robbers shows would be far less entertaining should rule 4 be implemented - Vegetable Peelers do not have the greatest dramatic impact ;)
Bloody hell

'I think he did'
>>>The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.

Funnily enough we here in the UK used to use "color" and "favor" but when the Normans invaded in 1066 we began to use "our" rather than "or" as it sounded more French.

So it could be argued that color and flavor etc are actually MORE English than colour and flavour.

More here

Very good,it amused me. Will definitely read it again later.
Anyone using the appellation "Guy" will suffer the same fate as Mr. Fawkes.

Nice one Zeuhl!
a handy history of this document can be found here


It dates from the much more shambolic 2000 election, apparently.

Note that the (highly implausible) reference to South African beer isn't in earlier versions and must have been added during a crossing of the Transvaal.
That is excellent chaps, no more sloppy salutes on the parade ground in all their movies..... now called films. And no more scmaltzy sick making teen movies. Gaad bless america.
haven't seen this for a decade or so ...
It was first done for President Shrub. (Little Bush).
and you *will* fly the union flag the correct way up

sorry zeuhl, wipes froth-flecked spittle from the screen

made me laugh
I last read this, more or less, exactly 4 years ago!
Love it.
(If we're on about bad accents, can we please gloss over dear ole Sean Connery in "Red October"?)
And you will learn to use your, or rather our, vast dairy resources to make some decent cheese, not everyone can afford World Food prices. All squeezy bottles of gunk labelled as cheese will be immediately destroyed.

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