Disappointing To Say The Least.

[10ClarionSt]

Yesterday was the 19th anniversary of the death of my best friend. We'd known each other from being small children, growing up, getting married etc. His death at the relatively young age of 51 was a big shock, but I think it was related to the fact that he was one of the prison officers caught up in the Strangeways riots of 1991. If anyone remembers one part of that where 3 officers were trapped in tunnels for days, my mate was one of those officers. He was never the same after that. However, his grave is located only 200 yards from his house, where his wife and daughter still live. I went to put some flowers on yesterday but was disappointed to see nothing from his family. Nothing today either. In fairness, they may have visited without laying any tributes, but I felt very disappointed to say the least.

[jno]

no point in judging others simply from lack of evidence. Be content that you've done the right thing yourself.

[douglas9401]

Different people, different ways of doing things. Judge not, etc.

[10ClarionSt]

It's not just this one instance, jno. Don't forget, I know this family quite well.

[Buenchico]

Not everyone sees things the same way as you. I don't believe in either funeral or memorials of any kind. (As far as I'm concerned the dead should simply be forgotten).

The only time I've visited my parents graves was to remove the markers, to ensure that nobody else can. (My own will calls for my body to be cremated without ceremony and for my ashes to be thrown into any convenient refuse receptacle).

Perhaps, like me, the family members you refer to recognise the utter pointlessness of 'commemoration'?

[10ClarionSt]

That is not the family I'm familiar with, Chris. That is why I'm commenting. Your choice is your decision.

[Rockrose]

Perhaps they chose to remember the man he was and not the man in the ground and perhaps they prefer to look forward not back.
You never know what other people are thinking.

[Jackdaw33]

A friend of mine, not a priest but a member of the Church Army, the C of E equivalent of the Salvation Army, was a chaplain at Strangeways. He was in the chapel when it all kicked off and was barricaded in. He was never the same after that. He had to take early retirement. He is still around but very frail. It changed his life for the worse.

[Barmaid]

Or perhaps after 19 years they have come to terms with it and moved on to remember him in a different way.

[Mamyalynne]

Oh dear, I wonder if people who know me think like that of me?

Next month will be 10 years since my Husband died, I have only visited his grave twice, he isn't in that cold muddy uneven ground - he's still with me.

[wolf63]

Everybody is different, my mum died Jan 1996 and I have never been back to see her grave. I live near the cemetery. Going to visit her would accomplish nothing.

[10ClarionSt]

Rockrose, the inscription on his headstone says the opposite.

[Rockrose]

The inscription is just words - my FIL died when my husband was 13 he has only been to the grave once he is now 46 - I have been more than he and my MIL put together, the words say 'beloved husband and father forever in our hearts and minds, gone but never forgotten'.
Do you think they have forgotten him?

[10ClarionSt]

I respect each persons' perspective on this, but what has been said so far is not representative of his family. I've known his wife from when he first met her. I've known his children from being born. Knowing so much from so far back, and how things developed, is the reason for my disappointment.

[10ClarionSt]

Thanks for the replies and the varied responses.
Cest la vie.

[woofgang]

with respect its not your right to be disappointed in what others do and how they live their lives.

[Barmaid]

They have have other stuff going on (serious worries of some kind). Why not knock on the door and enquire after their well being?

[Rockrose]

Hey if you know them that well and have that sort of relationship with them why not ask the question of them instead of us.

[david small]

Sorry to be blunt 10Clarion, but quietly live with your disappointment. People move on with their lives. He will always be in their heart, memories,and prayers.

[Prudie]

Don't necessarily judge them on your own actions - for example I visit my mother's grave out of duty sometimes (I feel no connection to her there) but I go on her birthday, Mother's Day or round Christmas. It would never occur to me go on the anniversary of her death.

[Canary42]

Their could be a number of reasons for their cessation of flowers :-

1. They recognise the cynical exploitation by the florist industry and refuse to encourage it.

OR

2. The theft of flowers from graves seems to become more widespread so they see it as pointless to supply someone else's requirement.

OR

3. He would now be 70 - the biblical lifespan, so perhaps they now believe flowers are no longer needed.

OR

4. Their personal circumstances precluded them from making such a tribute this year on the exact anniversary.

OR

5. They have moved on after 19 years, having so many more people in their lives now.

Have you mentioned it to them ? Incidentally you don't say whether every single year up to now they have left flowers. Have they ?