Had a very down today

[rozia]

and I thought the only way memories will fade is by ending it all. I remember things from the past that are doing my head in, i tried to forget, but i will do something at some point which will remind me again. I so badly wanted to end it all today, it did my head in. I thought twice when i saw my beautiful children and how they would not deserve being without their mum. A this moment i am so down, i cannot express in words how depressed i feel.

Sorry for coming on here to chat, have no where else to turn to.

[Mamyalynne]

Rozia, no no no, you know that is not the answer or you would not be here asking. Deep breathes and think this through please.

[Mamyalynne]

Beautiful children, point one in staying with it - have you seen your GP about how you feel??

[rozia]

I won't do it, but was so close, thats why i came on here, to feel better. thanks for caring mamya x

[tinkerbell23]

Hey rozia!

You have made the right decision not to end things, and u can always come here to chat!!!

Im sure i speak for everyone when i say so!!

I too have had a rough day and now struggling to sleep because of the anxiety. I can sympathise xxx big hug

[Mamyalynne]

I do care and although am not aware of your problem, please believe me there is nothing that you cannot conquer, as a mother you have strength inbuilt. ((HUG))

[rozia]

No haven't seen GP, i don't feel like this all the time, but today was the worst i have ever felt. I cannot face the GP.

[Mamyalynne]

You have decisions to make, is this something you can do something about?? If it is depression then at least a discussion will put things into perspective.

[rozia]

I just feel irritated inside my body, feel like im going to explode, its all down to my family. I bet they'll wish they had changed things if i do end it, but i wont be here to see it. Im sat here with fat tears in my eyes, and feel rotten.

[tinkerbell23]

Would you consider calling one of thos helplines for a chat? Its hard to see your GP but have a wee think about it- they can really help x

[rozia]

i used to work for Samaritans, and now in need of one myself, i guess we are just human. Nothing they will say will make me feel any better. I just feel like nothing will get better at this time.

[cupid04]

Rozia, please seek help as soon as possible. Ring the samaritans if you need
a listening ear. I don't know what else to say because I feel out of my depth.
Just remember you have children that love you and need you. Have you a
close family member or friend you could call? I will keep you in my thoughts
and prayers. Love Cupid04.xxxxxxx.

[Mamyalynne]

Think of it this way, we cannot choose our family and regardless of what they have done or are doing to give up now, would not change a thing. Prove to them and more importantly yourself that you can do this ( by this I mean life)

[tinkerbell23]

http://www.nhs.uk/Liv.../Pages/Helplines.aspx

Heres some numbers if you feel like chatting to someone-

You are doing the right thing chatting to us and opening up. Nobody can say anything to help as such, but getting it off your chest might help a little bit?

Stay strong- youve been staying strong for so long its all came
To a head and your feeling low :0( so sorry hun- xx

[Gavmacp]

I had anxiety and often felt like this in winter. The dark long nights. The bleakness. I often felt alone during the winter. It was sometimes unbearable but then the spring would start and things changed sometimes only a by a small amount but I could feel the weight on my shoulders becoming less.
Much love,
Gavin

[Answerprancer]

Do you *really* have nowhere else to turn to ? In times of desperation, I have found the most unlikely of people to have been a great help. My advice would be to avoid at all costs 'retreating' - do not suffer alone, always make sure you are around other people, even if it's just going to the pub and sitting quietly among strangers. I hope things look up for you soon.

[Mamyalynne]

But Don't Despair

Despair, if you must –
But how's it going to pull you through?
Despair, when you trust
Naught since then there's naught to do.
Despair, should you thrust
Aside your pride, your self-esteem.
And so despair, if it's dust,
The only substance that you deem.
Despair, when a gust
Of slightly breeze can break your stance.
And do despair, when lust
Is your interpretation of romance.

But don't despair, if you can care
About the plight of any other being.
And you can focus on the help,
Support, and altruistic further actions
For the seeing. Be believing,
As despair will start receding
All around – simply since you found
A way to steer you clear
From this: the very cause of your despair!

So give to others; give them all a helping lift:
Despair, you'll find will disappear –
And that has got to be a well-deserved
And saintly gift!


Copyright © Mark R Slaughter 2009

[andy-hughes]

Hi rozia,

I, along with a number of other AB'ers understand exactly how you feel from direct personal experience.

I am so glad that you have reached out to us - you will find a lot of sympathy and support on here, all of it non-judgemental, so if you feel like telling us why you feel so bad, it may help you to share your feelings, even if it is with strangers. As an ex-Samaritan - as I am - you know that strangers sometimes make the best listeners.

I also know from personal experience that you can get past this, and you can feel better, how ever impossiblt that feels right now. It's like looking out of the window at night and seeing the dark, and being totally unable to think that the sun will come up in the morning - but it always does.

Hang on, and stay in touch, we are here for you - promise.

A x

[Jan1957]

I have typed 3 or 4 answers to your question now rozia and changed them every time because when I got home tonight I felt exactly as you do. All I can tell you is that you have to ask for some help. I have been on anti-depressants for a while now but still feel at times that there seems no point in carrying on especially since losing my husband last year. I saw my gp yesterday and at her suggestion am now going to seek grief counselling and hope this will help but you do really need to talk to someone. We can all feel like this at times and you just need to accept that some of us aren't strong enough to cope on our own and to take help wherever you can get it.

[owdhamer]

Its amazing what a few kind words from ABERS will do,they often lift myself.

[rozia]

Thank u everyone for your kind words, gav, mamya, answerprancer, andy, tinkerbell, cupid, jan and owd, you are all so kind, and this is why i came on here, i knew i would find someone to chat to. I feel angry with the way life has treated me, forced into marriage at 16, raped by a man i didn't know, then find out sisters have been abused by a family member, was i abused to?? i dont know, i cannot remember, it scares me to think about it. Now favourite brother not speaking to me, hes on drugs, theres nothing i can do to stop it, hes 10 years older than me, i have cut marks all over my arms from when i was 16, scars which remind me of the sh*t i have been through, my head is banging with so many things, and i just want it to stop now, and this is only half of it.

dont judge me, or use this against me in another thread, i have never said all this to anyone before. A guy was found hanging in the local park yesterday, and it made me worse, this is why i wanted to do it today, i envy the guy thats ended it, hes probably in a better place.