Over affectionate child

[kazzianne]

This is probably going to sound silly,but I welcome any opinions,even if to tell me I am being daft!

My boyfriends 7 yr old child stays with us on weekends and hols.She is very very clingy,follows him everywhere,even to the toilet and waits outside.I never say a word,but there is one things that I dont like.

Every morning she comes in and climbs in nxt to him and snuggle up as close she can get.Now we both sleep naked,so firstly im not sure whether to tell him that he really should be wearing boxers now she is this age.But the main prob is what she does - she runs her fingers thru his hair,drags her nails slowly down his back,traces her fingers over his face and lips - infact she caresses him like I would do - and Im his lover!! He is half asleep and not even aware really fo what she is doing,but I lay there watching this and it just doesnt look right.She has never ever seen me do this so she is not copying.But I dont think she should be acting in this way - it just looks wrong.

What do you all think?

[B00]

Awww i think it's sweet, she obviously adores her daddy, and perhaps is still very confused that he's not around the other 5 days of the week? I've no doubt that as she gets older this will wear off and before you know it she'll turn into every other kid, i.e, grumpy, surly and will only grunt when spoken to.

I would however suggest that your boyfriend at least wears boxers in bed, I think 7 is a little old for a child to see someone naked of the opposite sex, plus (and I hate to sound horrible here.....) but if he's only half awake when she strokes his hair etc, it might have a ummm involuntary reaction from him???

[B00]

As an afterthought- if you're disturbed by what she does in the mornings, have oyu tried distracting her? Possibly suggesting you both make breakfast for daddy? anything ot get her out of the bed?

[dancecaller]

I can see why you dont like it. I think I agree with Boo in the boxers and distraction.

I think you're right not saying anything, see is obviously missing him and maybe copying behaviour she's seen on tele as a way of getting closer. So other than mentioning the fact that now that she's older you think you both should wear night clothes when she's around, just encourage him to give her lots of attention and hope it wears of.

[kazzianne]

Thanks for your answers.He cant give her anymore attention - she gets 100% the entire weekend,honestly.As for distracting her,she would just totally ignore me if I asked her to do something else.Whrn she wants to do something she does.I know you both think its not a worry,but at what age would you see it as not appropriate?

[undercovers]

maybe she just feels a bit jealous of you e.g. you have her daddy all the time and she only gets to see him at the weekend so she tries to keep his attention and by doing so exclude you... its probably not very healthy but surely it is quite understandable, she is just a little girl trying to secure her fathers attention when she feels the need to compete and that need can never feel stronger to her than when the two of you are alone together and she has to be in another room. All kids are the same when it comes to waking up earlier and climbing into bed (if allowed) and it can be a nice bonding experience for all involved but if you are excluded she is probably sending a message to you as much to her father with the touching etc.

I think instead of trying actively to changer her maybe you should think about trying to change how you and your bf behave around her - try to do activities that will help the two of you bond (you and daughter) so that she won't be threatened by you e.g. assume the role of a step parent type character (but obviously this is only possible with the fathers support and approval) rather than another girl in the house (e.g. you relationship with her dad is completely different to the relationship she ahs with her dad), that way she will begin to understand that there is no need to compete and instead will just enjoy spending time with both of you.

I wouldn�t ever try and stop her climbing into bed � but I would wear clothes to sleep in when she is staying and put a clock outside the door asking her to only come in after a certain time in the morning (to start with make it close to when she normally come in anyway to get her used to it and then start to change it if you want some time together) � this shows her that she is wanted but that there a boundaries she must respect.

all the best undercovers

[dancecaller]

I'm not exactly saying that it isn't worrying. But I wouldn't focus on it. She is insecure and jealous (and maybe thinks it was some way her fault he left). It may be a slow job, but when that improves so will the clinging and inappropriate behaviour.

I agree with undercovers suggestions too.

[dancecaller]

I think you are doing the right thing in letting her have his attention.

You don�t like her behaviour in bed, and I agree it would be wrong for her to learn that this is the way to get the love and attention she needs, it could lead to problems for her later in life (you read such dreadful things in the papers).
You say your boyfriend is not aware of what she�s doing. Maybe, or maybe he doesn�t know how to react so pretends to be half asleep, or maybe he is being very wise in not reacting.
All the advice for young children is that if you give them attention when they are doing what you don�t want, this rewards that behaviour. So you should ignore that and reward the behaviour you want.
I suppose the conversation could go something like:
You, sleepily �Maybe we could go and get breakfast, would you help me?�
Him �that would be very grown-up of you�
Lots of praise if she does, if not he gets up �alright, you two have a lie in, I�ll do it�

Trouble is these conversations never go the same way as they go in your head. And if you are going to treat her as a step-mother you�ll need him to back up your suggestions, �that�s a good idea� sort of thing. So that she pleases him by co-operating with you.
Even talking to him about it wont be easy because men are so quick to see discussion as criticism (have you read Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars? Apparently they are all the same, not just the ones I know).

And before you even start talking to him you have to sort out your own feelings. Mostly you are concerned for her but you wouldn�t be human if part of you didn�t feel jealous and excluded as she wants you to feel. She�s monopolising your free time with him. It can�t be easy. Tell that little bit of yourself that she�s the child, not you.

It will be a long job but I hope it works out for you all.

[kazzianne]

Hi dancecaller - that was a lovely reply.I havent told my partner that I think this behaviour is worrying me,and I think that he would be cross if I mentioned it.But I am going to ask him to wear boxers definitely.

When I say he doesnt react,he does actually have his arm round her so that they are facing each other,and he is sort of stroking her back(god this sounds bad) so can you see how it looks to me? I know she is only 7 but it really looks wrong.I sound daft dont I !

[kazzianne]

Undercocers - thankyou for taking the time to write you reply.

I do spend time alone with her - we do lots of things such as baking,drawing etc.And the rest of the time we all do family stuff.I dont truly think she is jealous of me - she calls me mummy number 2.She has always done this from the first day I met her.And if she was 2 or 3 I wouldnt be bothered in the slightest,but as she is 7(and a very big 7) it just seems a bit strange.

[kazzianne]

Undercovers* - sorry for spelling error!

[kazzianne]

Oh,and I am totally fine with her coming into our bed - dont forget I have a 6yr old son as well.

[Dolly1308]

Personally kazzianne I don't like the sound of your boyfriend and his behaviour towards his 7 yr-old daughter ,it's approaching incest .Stop the child getting into bed with you both and make sure he understands that you expect him to be dressed when his daughter is around . His behaviour is deplorable .For all those who may think that I am seeing more in this than there is ,I can assure you I know what I'm talking about it.Protect this child kazzianne from her too loving(!) father .

[Dolly1308]

By the way I don't think the child is at fault here just her father .

[kazzianne]

Dolly - I totally understand what you are saying,but I honestly dont think for a second that he is thinking that way.I could never be with him if I thought that for a split second.

[dancecaller]

Its so hard to know where to draw the line. Some cultures are more touchy-feely than we are.

I know my 7 yr old was very cuddly until I started wondering if I (her mum) was enjoying it too much, so discouraged her slightly. Then wondering if I'd been wrong.

As far as the boxers go, it might feel less like a critisism if you said you thought you should both wear night clothes when she's around

Best of luck

[Schlomo78]

We have the same problem with my partners 6 yr old getting in the bed in the mornings when she stays with us.The way we curbed it is that when she comes in the bedroom he gets up and puts her back to bed (if it is too early to get up) and lays on the floor next to her with a duvet so they can both go back to sleep. I think she is too old to be getting into our bed and I spoke to my friend who is a mother of three for advice and she agreed. I don't know whether she does it at home or not as her mother has a boyfriend but I don't want her doing it here. Also I think BOO has a point, my partner (as do a lot of men!!) sometimes wakes up with ,how can I say this,his soldier standing to attention (lol) and when I mentioned this to him he was horrified at the thought of that if he is still asleep when she gets in bed as I'm sure your partner would be. Hope this helps.

[phleb]

Has the father shown over affection and poor kids got confused? This can be portrayed in a bad way. My 6 year old sleeps in our bed sometimes, shes close to her dad, but close as in father and baby close, lots of cuddles none of the stuff you have described. Although she gets jealous when he cuddles any other child and she will sit on his knee till the other child has gone. My hubby always wears shorts to bed and I wear pjs...I dont think your boyfriends child should be behaving like this either.