My mother has alzimers.. advanced stages.. we have been estranged for a number of years.... she apparantly is in late stages & is refusing food ect .....should I visit her whilst in this state or pay final respects at her funeral ... it sounds soooo cold hearted but if only you knew the dreadful history...... ...
Sadly she won't probably know who you are anyway. I've seen this kind of question asked on here before and there are 2 schools of thought - some who won't forgive so wouldn't go and some who think they should so they don't feel guilt at a later stage. Only you can decide. I'm sorry it must be a painful situation.
As Tony says, you're the only one who can decide what to do.
However, if it were me in this dreadful situation, I would go.
I just think that guilt will eat you up, if you don't. Maybe not immediately, but at a later stage in your life.
I am estranged from my biological father, as it currently stands if I found out he was dying I would neither visit him or attend his funeral. Every situation is different and you need to do what makes YOU feel most comfortable.
I haven't had a good relationship with my mother either Jan - at times it has felt poisonous. But she also has dementia and I do a lot for her these days (as usual) and we do still have our "moments". If, however, I was in a similar position, I would visit purely as a salve to my conscience and nothing else. You must do whatever what you feel to be the best thing for you.
jan, have a good think, not about what you feel you should do but what will make you feel ok. No one has the right to judge or advise. Whatever you decide you have my prayers for your situation.
Her medical condition or in fact her death, will not change your relationship will it? You chose and others will disagree with me but I see little point i going to see her now or to attend her funeral.
Went to visit my husband in hospital, many miles away. Knew he was dying, estranged for 16 years. Needed to say that last goodbye. He did not recognise me, I had difficulty recognising him but we had a life together in the past and I was able to come to terms with the situation.
You do not have to visit or go to the funeral.
Only you can decide.
Best wishes whatever your decision. It is painful.
Can I take back what I said? By that, I just mean that having read other people's comments, I think it may be best to leave this one to people who have had some experience. It's a very difficult subject. I can't imagine what you're going through, or anyone else that has had to deal with this.
Jan only you know how much hurt or anguish you feel about your mother. And the decision is ultimately yours. For myself I would see her for the last time to bring some sort of closure in my heart and mind.
jan, as I see it you have the choice to make. Your mother probably doesn't. I wish you strength and well for the future. For your mum I wish her a peaceful passing.
If you are truly estranged why would you be considering "paying your final respects at her funeral" There must be something there still or is it because other people would expect it of you?
If she wasn't in the condition she is in would you be considering visiting her? I think your answer to this is the answer to your own question.