So Gness - when are we going to hear about your Assault on the train in Devon?

[DTCwordfan]

The title says it all

Re your opening return post yesterday........

We are all ears agog.

[tonyav]

Yep c'mon gness, lets hear it.

[DTCwordfan]

So is the DPP going to deprive you of black Guinness and black cami's then?

[gness]

Train from Honiton to Waterloo...First Class and nowhere to put my very large and heavy suitcase. Stood it by the door in the carriage and waited for the lecture. "Who owns this case!!!!!" shouted the Benny Hill lookalike guard two inches from my ear. I was happy to move it if he found space but he kept muttering that he couldn`t get past it. My suggestion that he went to the far end of the carriage, I would hold open the door and he could take a good run up and leap the case went down badly.
He then pointed to a high shelf, told me to move the bag someone had put there and lift my case up. That was when he hit his funny bone. Now I know where my funny bone is and I have never had to put my hands between my legs to ease the pain but hey ho.
I shifted the bag while he jumped around in circles, squeaking.
He then attempted to lift my bag. I swear it hadn`t left the ground before he started twittering on about the hernia and health and safety rules.
Now there is a point where one says "Oh for goodness sake!" and strength comes from somewhere. I grabbed the case and swung it onto a shelf at my shoulder height.
On it`s upward journey one of the wheels made contact with the subject of recent DT and Rowan poems. I had really damaged a funny bone and not in his elbow. So if you come across a guard shouting "Tickets please" in a very high voice don`t mention Gness.

[gness]

Camis maybe DT but never the Guinness. x How`s Oxfordshire?

[DTCwordfan]

the last bit is hilarious; hope he is not an ABer, gness.

what did I write about not bending it.............

[DTCwordfan]

Oxfordshire is rather nice and sunny and I should be outside.....to the drawing pens soon I think.

[gness]

Bend It????? Think I concertinaed it! Bit like those fans we used to make from paper when we were children.

[DTCwordfan]

British Rail = BR now = "Balls Ruined"

[starone]

So what happened then? Did he throw you off the train? Or more to the point did you throw him off?

[craft1948]

I'm glad you said 'throw' SB..................

[gness]

Forgotten about the balls DT. Still, with the whack I gave them they`ll come in as ear muffs if the weather gets cold.

[DTCwordfan]

he probably couldn't think about that, SBO, until he reached Penzance and went for a swim in the cold waters of Mounts Bay - something he wouldn't have been doing as re the mounting for the next few days, it appears.....

[gness]

Well, it was an odd journey. When he was ticket inspecting he stood behind a seat and asked the girl opposite me to pass along my ticket.
Then when the refreshment guy came he served the girl opposite and told me he would have to go for nourishment??? before he served me. Forty five minutes he was gone and I still don`t know why really. What could he have been doing?
He did give me tea in the end but the guy next to me bought a bottle of wine and knocked it back in one! Full sized bottle.

[DTCwordfan]

Rail Boss in Paddington, I don't like to grumble,
You know I've always been obedient and humble,
But I have to say I dislike intensely
The way that the dice are always loaded against me!

Why can't I make love to a cami-loving blonde
Who'll take me to heaven and further beyond,
Who'll give me a taste of Your Paradise -
Let's face it, my Boss, wouldn't it be nice! ?

Instead I am left with my first-class customer dreams
Of a passenger who's just nutted me in the penile seams -
She's confrontational, she's a Guinness drinker and she doesn't care -
I could have hoped for better despite my now white hair!

Be merciful, Railway God, and give me a break,
I feel quite delirious! My testicles ache!

[gness]

And then when I got out of the taxi at St.Pancras my case fell onto the foot of that good looking homeless chap who is always there. The one with the long blonde hair and beard. He took hold of the handle, grimaced and I had to give him £1 to let go.

[gness]

Ah men. DT. :-)

[DTCwordfan]

next time, chauffeur me thinks, gness; though God only knows, you would manage to beat him up on a M4 or M5 service station

"All I did was go to Melmsbury Service Station and this woman, we she pushed me in a Butt."

Or was that Malmsbury....

[DTCwordfan]

well, not we....

[gness]

Don`t know about chauffeur DT. Once hired a taxi for the fifty minute trip from Corby to Birm. Airport, a journey I made often. The driver wouldn`t listen to my directions.....told me to read my book.... he was the driver! So I did. Hours later we arrived in somewhere called Pennistone in Yorkshire.
He went into a police station to ask directions and fell off their balcony onto his taxi. God, I still remember the thump.
The policemen helped bring him round and look for his shoe but we never found his watch.
No mobiles then and OH took some convincing about how I had spent the whole day in Yorkshire with a taxi driver after setting off on a two hour round trip.