Shall I teach him a lesson??

[medsecslave]

My 19 year old son is hopeless with money, can't save and spends it on rubbish. Always broke. He's about to go off to Uni so has only ever done casual work. He walked out of his last job now they've written to say he's been overpaid by �143 and they want it repaid. He's ignored the letter so they've written again threatening him with Court action. Today a letter arrived from his bank to say he's �99 overdrawn and he has to contact them to discuss the account. I separated from my husband last year, who himself is in debt to the tune of 19K and because of this, my son expects me to help him out with these debts, meanwhile, he's off to Amsterdam on a football trip shortly with money he's saved from working with his Dad (his Dad saved it for him). Whilst I could sort out these debts for him I really think it's about time he took responsibility and I also feel if I don't make a stand now, I'm storing up a load of grief for myself in the future and I'm wondering if I should just wait for the Court summons to arrive and leave him to it. I talked to my husband about it tonight and asked what WE should do and he said it's not his problem anymore as he's over 18 and can sort himself out. What would other ABers do?

[NoMercy]

Your son needs a good kick up the bum. As long as you keep bailing him out, he will never stop being irresponsible. Let him sort his own mess out.

[sara3]

sit him down and talk about it, then decide based on his attitude. if he's sorry and has learned a lesson, maybe offer to lend him the money, but you must make it quite clear about how and when he is to pay it back.

otherwise.. it's his problem, but it would be a shame if he follows in his dad's footsteps.

[Postdog]

Is it too late to give him up for adoption?

OK, not a genuine answer, but it sort of sums up my view....

[caththecrazy]

He can't have his priorities right if he's going off to Amsterdam but can't afford to pay his debts.

He won't be going off to uni for a couple of months lend him the money and make sure he pays it back before he goes.

[jollygood]

podgycart aint got none kids

[bednobs]

it's really hard. my first thought is to "teach him a lesson" HOWEVER as he is still young, it's debateable even if he gets taken to court he will learn the lesson, seriously when you are yound, you really really don't think of the consequences on getting loans/mortgage in the future

[medsecslave]

I lent him �350 to go on holiday but have only had �100 back and he's off to Amsterdam when that money should be mine which is why I'm so annoyed. He's also planning a weekend in Newquay, always on the basis of what he'll earn before then, not what he has in his pocket now. I think I've decided to let him take the consequences this time and see what happens.

[medsecslave]

Bednobs - my biggest worry is a court summons, credit rating etc but if I don't make a stand now, in years to come his debts could run into thousands and he'll still be looking for me to help him out. It's a hard decision.

[daffy654]

If you bail him out now you will be doing it for years to come.Let him take the consequences of his debt and hope that he can regain a good credit rating before he needs to get a mortgage in the future.

[Yes-Sam]

I'm with you Daffy. For the sake of less than �500 it wouldn't take too long to increase his credit rating.................if he wanted to? It's not as if he's in a position to get on the property ladder yet.

Maybe the wake up call he needs.

Be Strong - I've succumbed before and regretted it.

[tamborine]

You mustn't let your 19y son have a criminal record if you can help it. Having a criminal record remains for life!

Pay his debt and keep reminding him to pay it back or make him do work for you.

[Beauj]

medsecslave, while YES, you have to let your son get on and sort out his own life, and NO don't bail him out! There is still the matter of the �149 overpayment by his employer>

If his ex-employer 'overpaid' your son, that is their problem, your son can state that, 'HE ACCEPTED THE MONEY IN GOOD FAITH' I take it that your son was NOT the wages clerk?? He did not overpay himself that amount??

It is the MISTAKE of the Employer, and all your son has to do, if his back is against the wall, then agree to pay it back at an affordable amount for him!

It is not a Criminal Court he will be appearing in, I would think it would be 'Small Claims' and the beek will accept his offer to re-pay on a weekly or monthly basis - even if it is only �1 pw!

Does your son belong to a Trade Union? If so, he can avail of their Legal Dept free, and also ask for an Offical to Represent on his behalf to the employer & be present at Court to give him guidance.

[daffy654]

Tamborine,the son would not get a criminal record for a bad debt.Not paying an overdraft fee and not repaying an overpayment by an employer is a CIVIL matter,not a criminal one.

[Rollo]

He's 19. He is old enough to take responsibility for his life, and set his priorities.

If going on holiday is more important to him than settling his debts then so be it.

He will learn the hard way if he does not sort himself out, unless you bail him out.

Ask yourself if bailing him out is really doing him any favours, and then ask yourself "If I do bail him out, what am I going to do the next time it happens"?

[Nosha123]

I'm coming into this conversation a bit late - but do think he needs to face his own consequences - or else he will never learn.
My hubbie was rubbish with money and getting vehicles taxed and insured and was punished when caught with fines.... he soon learnt it was cheaper to get his van taxed and insured than not!
If you bail him out now - he will do it again.
Unfortunately he wont learn unless he has to suffer a court appreaance - and yes it will affect his credit - but thats his punishment - and its not for ever!!!

[medsecslave]

Thanks for all the replies which all confirm the way I felt deep down. Although it's hard as his Mum, I guess I have to let him learn from his mistakes now before it's too late so I will grit my teeth and stick to my guns! His employers are actually in the right so far as the overpayment was concerned, although it was a mistake, he left without working his notice so that's his fault as well.

[Whoever]

I congratulate you on the tough stance you're taking even though it can't be easy. We are going through a huge recession, partly because everybody got into debt, beyond their capabilities to repay it, including the banks and the lesson needs to be learned by everybody that if you live beyond you're income, sooner or later you will end up in deep trouble. Your son is legally an adult now and when he's away at University he will have to take responsibility for managing his own finances without Mum to back him up. I would have a serious word with him before he goes away and point out that he now has to fund himself, and if he fouls up and gets into serious debt he will have to leave his University course, get a job and pay them off. Sadly hard lessons are sometimes the only ones which have a lasting impact and if he doesn't adopt a responsible attitude now, how on earth will he be able to cope later with paying rent or a mortgage and supporting a wife and family?

[chattykathy]

How about compromising and offering to pay the debts as long as he agrees to not going to Newquay and repaying you before going to Uni? As a mum of a young man myself I know how hard it is to let them learn the hard way so I believe in compromise - to show you love him but also making him understand his responsibilities. Good luck. Let us know what you decide. :)