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Bullying
I posted on here before about my son being bullied at school. This was before the schools broke up for summer. We spoke to the school, who called a meeting of the parents of the 3 boys involved (but not us). We also spoke to the parents of two of the boys who we already knew socially and they were very apologetic, the mother of the ring leader was crying. Anyway, the kids broke up 2 weeks after that for the holidays. They have now been back for a month and it has started again. I witnessed today two of the boys shouting aggressively in my son's face and harranging him as he walked down the stairs. My younger son said that he saw all 3 boys saying nasty things to my son at an after schools sports club run by the council. He was about to report it, when the boys got into trouble for something else.
So, what do I do now???
My son is 9 and I am not prepared to have his life ruined by these boys.
He bottles things up - after the incident today, his face was completely expressionless, when I spoke to him today about how it made him feel, he said he feels like smashing in their faces. One day he is going to flip and he will be the one who gets into trouble for it.
We have parents night on Wednesday, but the 2 boys today know that I saw them abusing my son, so I intend to phone the headmistress tomorrow morning instead of waiting to Wednesday, I can also speak to whoever picks the boys up tomorrow, but other than teaching my son a devestating left hook, does anyone have any ideas on what we can do next?
We want to stop it, but also to give him some control to raise his self confidence, or I can just see it happening again.
So, what do I do now???
My son is 9 and I am not prepared to have his life ruined by these boys.
He bottles things up - after the incident today, his face was completely expressionless, when I spoke to him today about how it made him feel, he said he feels like smashing in their faces. One day he is going to flip and he will be the one who gets into trouble for it.
We have parents night on Wednesday, but the 2 boys today know that I saw them abusing my son, so I intend to phone the headmistress tomorrow morning instead of waiting to Wednesday, I can also speak to whoever picks the boys up tomorrow, but other than teaching my son a devestating left hook, does anyone have any ideas on what we can do next?
We want to stop it, but also to give him some control to raise his self confidence, or I can just see it happening again.
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Hi sara, I will speak to them when I pick up my son, but I can't just keep speaking to them and then nothing happen. I am trying to find a nice way to say that their child is a nasty little sh!te without being aggresive about it, when all I want to do is rip his ugly, arrogant little head off. There is one who is the ring leader, the other is his friend and doesn't seem quite as bad, the third is just not very bright and when he is on his own seems okay but gets caught up in things. I don't know his parents.
I don't know, annie. it's such a sensitive subject. I've also gone through stages of wanting to rip various kids heads off, and still do sometimes.
demand to see the head teacher and tell them you'll take it up with.. OFSTED? I'm not sure but there must be an Educational Dept who will investigate if they feel the school isn't doing enough to help your son.
I do feel for you and your son. I hope you can sort something out on Weds, although they'll probably arrange a separate appt for you to discuss this. it might be worth calling in tomorrow, just in case they think you weren't too worried if it can wait til parents' evening. best of luck x
demand to see the head teacher and tell them you'll take it up with.. OFSTED? I'm not sure but there must be an Educational Dept who will investigate if they feel the school isn't doing enough to help your son.
I do feel for you and your son. I hope you can sort something out on Weds, although they'll probably arrange a separate appt for you to discuss this. it might be worth calling in tomorrow, just in case they think you weren't too worried if it can wait til parents' evening. best of luck x
cheers sara - I have tried to tell my son that they are only jealous of him becasue he is such an amazing person, but it was hard today seeing those boys with the aggresion on their faces shouting at him and his own blank face just looking through them as if they didn't exist. Whilst one part of me wants him to turn round and just punch their lights out, another part of me is frightened of what he could do to them if he loses his rag. He may only have just turned 9 but he is 4 foot 10 and really strong - he does Judo and Rugby so is not afraid of physical contact, but he doesn't like getting into trouble. He was upset last week as his teacher gave him a detention for forgetting to put his handwriting sheet in his bag!!
Hi Annie,
I have copied here, a post which was on one of the forums on ivillage. The poster wont mind me having copied it In any in-school bullying situation your first port-of-call should always be the class teacher. If you havent already spoken to the class teacher, then please dont be embarassed to do so. Explain whats been happening, ask the teacher how your child has been in school, whether there have been any changes to his academic progress, or in his behaviour. Ask if they have noticed how his social interaction is, and also ask them what they would suggest can be done in school to fix the bullying problem.
While speaking with the teacher, put a time-frame on the situation, a length of time by which you expect to see a marked improvement, I would reccomend about 2 weeks, after which time return to school and see the teacher to discuss how things have been. Even if the bullying completely stops, still follow through on the original meeting so that the teacher knows. If it doesnt stop then A more formal meeting may be necessary.
Should you need to see the teacher again because the situation has not improved then it would be a good time for you to tell the teacher what you expect to be done. Perhaps the supervisors could take a more active role in the playground by keeping an eye on your child and ensuring that people are not excluded from games. Some primary schools have “friendship seats” where younger children can go to sit if they have nobody to play with so that other pupils can ask them to join their games and the supervisors can spot whether one child is on their own too often. Ask if the school has anything like this, and how you can encourage Your Son to use this to his advantage. Ask them to begin writing notes in your childs home-school book so that you have an active line of communication with the teacher. If your child does not have one, ask for a home-school book that you, your child, and your chi
I have copied here, a post which was on one of the forums on ivillage. The poster wont mind me having copied it In any in-school bullying situation your first port-of-call should always be the class teacher. If you havent already spoken to the class teacher, then please dont be embarassed to do so. Explain whats been happening, ask the teacher how your child has been in school, whether there have been any changes to his academic progress, or in his behaviour. Ask if they have noticed how his social interaction is, and also ask them what they would suggest can be done in school to fix the bullying problem.
While speaking with the teacher, put a time-frame on the situation, a length of time by which you expect to see a marked improvement, I would reccomend about 2 weeks, after which time return to school and see the teacher to discuss how things have been. Even if the bullying completely stops, still follow through on the original meeting so that the teacher knows. If it doesnt stop then A more formal meeting may be necessary.
Should you need to see the teacher again because the situation has not improved then it would be a good time for you to tell the teacher what you expect to be done. Perhaps the supervisors could take a more active role in the playground by keeping an eye on your child and ensuring that people are not excluded from games. Some primary schools have “friendship seats” where younger children can go to sit if they have nobody to play with so that other pupils can ask them to join their games and the supervisors can spot whether one child is on their own too often. Ask if the school has anything like this, and how you can encourage Your Son to use this to his advantage. Ask them to begin writing notes in your childs home-school book so that you have an active line of communication with the teacher. If your child does not have one, ask for a home-school book that you, your child, and your chi
cont... If your child does not have one, ask for a home-school book that you, your child, and your childs teacher can write in order to resolve this situation. Make it known that if this does not stop NOW you will register a formal complaint.
Follow this meeting up with a very brief letter to just confirm what has been discussed and decided during your meeting with the teacher, and also include a request for a copy of the schools Antibullying Policy (Which all schools must have and make availible to parents on request BY LAW - see http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-ukrlbully&msg=399.1&ctx=0), and also for a copy of your letter and details of any action taken, to be included in your sons school file.
Again, put a time limit in which you expect this to be resolved by.
If you have no joy with the class teacher, then you could go straight to the head teacher. Book a meeting with the head, and take a list of concerns in to that meeting. Should you have arrived at this point, then do come back to us with a copy of that antibullying policy because we'll be able to help you identify where it is not being fulfilled. Your childs school have a duty to your while the child is in their care, and they also have to deal with bullying. It is a legal requirement of all schools to have the Anti Bullying Policy, this is a set of measures to ensure that pupils learn in a supportive, caring and safe environment without fear of being bullied.
By the time you get to this stage, you should have a list of concerns that you want to address, and also some idea what you expect to happen. I would expect a promise from the head that teachers and playground supervisors take a more active role in monitoring the situation throug
Follow this meeting up with a very brief letter to just confirm what has been discussed and decided during your meeting with the teacher, and also include a request for a copy of the schools Antibullying Policy (Which all schools must have and make availible to parents on request BY LAW - see http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-ukrlbully&msg=399.1&ctx=0), and also for a copy of your letter and details of any action taken, to be included in your sons school file.
Again, put a time limit in which you expect this to be resolved by.
If you have no joy with the class teacher, then you could go straight to the head teacher. Book a meeting with the head, and take a list of concerns in to that meeting. Should you have arrived at this point, then do come back to us with a copy of that antibullying policy because we'll be able to help you identify where it is not being fulfilled. Your childs school have a duty to your while the child is in their care, and they also have to deal with bullying. It is a legal requirement of all schools to have the Anti Bullying Policy, this is a set of measures to ensure that pupils learn in a supportive, caring and safe environment without fear of being bullied.
By the time you get to this stage, you should have a list of concerns that you want to address, and also some idea what you expect to happen. I would expect a promise from the head that teachers and playground supervisors take a more active role in monitoring the situation throug
cont....I would expect a promise from the head that teachers and playground supervisors take a more active role in monitoring the situation throughout the day, not just in stopping the physical and verbal abuse, but also in ensuring that your son is not singled out or left by himself. State to the head teacher that you expect this situation to be resolved within X amount of time, otherwise it will be necessary for you to take this complaint further as you've already spoken to the class teacher on multiple occasions.
Tell the headteacher what you want, and if necessary, write down any assurances that have been made to you.
Follow this meeting up in writing and ask for this letter to be placed on your childs school file. This will ensure that the head teacher doesnt "forget" the assurances made to you during this meeting.
Should you need to take things even further (and hopefully you wont, its usually resolved by this stage) then come back to us because we can help you take this as far as you need to in order to ensure that your child is safe, happy and able to learn at school without having to worry about being bullied.
In the meantime, when at home, Keep talking to your son. Ask how his day has been, and keep an eye for subtle changes in personality and behaviour. Encouraging your son to speak up for himself is very important! And when he does tell a teacher, or other grown up, what is going on, praise him for it. This will show him that it is important to have a voice of his own.
Tell the headteacher what you want, and if necessary, write down any assurances that have been made to you.
Follow this meeting up in writing and ask for this letter to be placed on your childs school file. This will ensure that the head teacher doesnt "forget" the assurances made to you during this meeting.
Should you need to take things even further (and hopefully you wont, its usually resolved by this stage) then come back to us because we can help you take this as far as you need to in order to ensure that your child is safe, happy and able to learn at school without having to worry about being bullied.
In the meantime, when at home, Keep talking to your son. Ask how his day has been, and keep an eye for subtle changes in personality and behaviour. Encouraging your son to speak up for himself is very important! And when he does tell a teacher, or other grown up, what is going on, praise him for it. This will show him that it is important to have a voice of his own.
Thanks for that red, we have already been down that route - and it was apparently "sorted". Spoke to the headteacher again this morning on the phone and told her it was still going on. She said she would speak to his teacher. I am not sure if his teacher knows as he has only had this teacher since the start of the new term in August. I have left it in the heads hands for now and we have parents night tomorrow - his teacher would be unlikely to notice any change as he has only had her for a few weeks and he also is very good at bottling things in. We have had comments before from teachers regarding his face being expressionless. This is pretty much his school face and always has been. He is quiet, but absolutely is not expressionless at home - he has a great sense of humour and "at home" is a happy boy. He is clever, but probably underperforming for him (he is still in the top group for everything, but has been assessed as reading at least 2 years above his age group). We have made it clear to him that he will not be in trouble from us if he ends up hitting one of the boys. I would rather he did that than ended up as some suicide statistic in a few years time. If he continues to bottle it up I can see him getting depression.
It is difficult to know what to do, we have talked about moving him to another school, but I am not sure if that would stick in his head as them having won.
It is difficult to know what to do, we have talked about moving him to another school, but I am not sure if that would stick in his head as them having won.
Hi Annie,
I remember your post from before summer, I was having a similar experience with a little ******* in my girls' class.
On our last meeting with the school Head ,she told us we had basically 3 choices -
1 - Accept that the school are dealing with it and take each incident as it happens
2- If we don't believe the school are handling it welll enough, contact the education dept. of the local council and report the school.She followed this up by tellling us with a smug smile that she did of course have the paperwork showing she had done everything possible in line with the schools bullying policy.
3- Find a place for our children at another school.
I have to admit it was the last option which brought me closest to losing it.Like you , I feel that it's letting the bullies win and teaching our kids that if you have a problem you'd better just move on, because nothing is going to be done to help you. As far as I'm concerned it should not be the victim of bullying that moves, the bully should be put out the school if they are unwiiling / unable to maintain the standards of bahaviour that are expected of all the other children. Here endeth my rant : )
I remember your post from before summer, I was having a similar experience with a little ******* in my girls' class.
On our last meeting with the school Head ,she told us we had basically 3 choices -
1 - Accept that the school are dealing with it and take each incident as it happens
2- If we don't believe the school are handling it welll enough, contact the education dept. of the local council and report the school.She followed this up by tellling us with a smug smile that she did of course have the paperwork showing she had done everything possible in line with the schools bullying policy.
3- Find a place for our children at another school.
I have to admit it was the last option which brought me closest to losing it.Like you , I feel that it's letting the bullies win and teaching our kids that if you have a problem you'd better just move on, because nothing is going to be done to help you. As far as I'm concerned it should not be the victim of bullying that moves, the bully should be put out the school if they are unwiiling / unable to maintain the standards of bahaviour that are expected of all the other children. Here endeth my rant : )
Hi yingyang, and how are things now?
I entirely agree with you, but common sense doesn't seem to prevail. I must admit that we are now considering option 3, but I feel the same as you that for me that is letting them win. Though I guess form the education authoritys perspective, it is easier to find places in another school for my kids (bright, well behaved, excellent attenders) than it is to find a school willing to take on little sh!ts whose parents think the sun shines out of their asses.
As an update, they were apparantly "only singing a metallica song" so I guess thats all right then? Because metallica sing about puppies and kittens and not about violent, sweary stuff........
What the hell are two boys of age 8 and 9 with an obviously violent and bullying nature doing being allowed to listen (enough to memorise the lyrics) to mettalica anyway?
I entirely agree with you, but common sense doesn't seem to prevail. I must admit that we are now considering option 3, but I feel the same as you that for me that is letting them win. Though I guess form the education authoritys perspective, it is easier to find places in another school for my kids (bright, well behaved, excellent attenders) than it is to find a school willing to take on little sh!ts whose parents think the sun shines out of their asses.
As an update, they were apparantly "only singing a metallica song" so I guess thats all right then? Because metallica sing about puppies and kittens and not about violent, sweary stuff........
What the hell are two boys of age 8 and 9 with an obviously violent and bullying nature doing being allowed to listen (enough to memorise the lyrics) to mettalica anyway?
Fortunately, things are a lot better for us now. The girls have started karate lessons, which is giving them extra confidence in knowing they can defend themselves if they have to; although they know it's a last resort.Their class teacher is also very good and sends the child out of class to the Office as soon as he starts playing up - so his behaviour is the Head's problem instead of the whole class suffering.
Another thing that seemed to get resulots was basically making a pest of ourselves to the school. whenever there was an incident , no matter how minor or trivial, my husband or I would phone the school asking if they knew it had happened, had it been dealt with etc. We were never rude or aggressive, just kept explaining it was obviously an ongoing situation and were making sure they were keeping on top of it.
If you feel this is continuing I would ask for a meeting between yourself and the other mothers with the Head present. Maybe you could mention tonight that you are thinking of contacting the education dept to confirm that everything is being done in line with their bullying policy - might shake the Head up a bit if she thinks you're going over her head.
I know what you mean about what these children are watching / listening to. When this boy - at age 7 - told my daughter he was going to stab her, I was told not to take it seriously as he was probably just copying something he'd seen in a film !! Obviously nothing to worry about there then..
Do let me know how you get on tonight. Good luck - and stay calm ;) !
Another thing that seemed to get resulots was basically making a pest of ourselves to the school. whenever there was an incident , no matter how minor or trivial, my husband or I would phone the school asking if they knew it had happened, had it been dealt with etc. We were never rude or aggressive, just kept explaining it was obviously an ongoing situation and were making sure they were keeping on top of it.
If you feel this is continuing I would ask for a meeting between yourself and the other mothers with the Head present. Maybe you could mention tonight that you are thinking of contacting the education dept to confirm that everything is being done in line with their bullying policy - might shake the Head up a bit if she thinks you're going over her head.
I know what you mean about what these children are watching / listening to. When this boy - at age 7 - told my daughter he was going to stab her, I was told not to take it seriously as he was probably just copying something he'd seen in a film !! Obviously nothing to worry about there then..
Do let me know how you get on tonight. Good luck - and stay calm ;) !
Hi yingyang - glad it is working out for you - good to know that there could be light at the end of the tunnel. I spoke to the main bully's Dad today - the last time we had the problem, he couldn't be more apologetic and was very keen for me to let him know if it happened again. Obviously he has changed his mind. I am definitely no longer on his Christmas list - he was actually quite aggressive, insisted that the boys had only been singing and had not directed anything at my son. I begged to differ and demonstrated how aggresive they had been, he is about 6 foot 4 but I pulled up my 5 foot 10 right into his face and he took a step back - "that's very intimidating isn't it - even for you?" I said. I also pointed out that they weren't singing nursery rhymes and that the song lyrics could have been threatening. I have subsequently found out that he took his son to a metallica concert - very appropriate for an 8 year old.Anyhoo, the upshot is that he doesn't believe a word - his main argument is that my son couldn't or woudn't say what they said and he insisted that instead I had shouted at and accused his wee lamb. I flatly denied this (because it wasn't true - I did ask him what he said in a strong voice - but I didn't shout) I offered to call the janitor across as a witness, but this was strangely declined.
Part 2 - parents night. My son's teacher hadn't been aware of past issues - she has arranged to discuss with the hEad, but the head had been out of school today so she hadn't yet had an opportunity. She did say that things can get rough and a bit pushy sometimes in the cloakroom area and she couldn't be both in the cloackroom and at the bottom of the stairs. She said to my son that if anything happens again, he should come straight back up the stairs and tell her while it was fresh in his mind so that she could deal with it. I pointed out that he has basically been blanking it so I believe that he lets it wsh over him rather than noteing d
Part 2 - parents night. My son's teacher hadn't been aware of past issues - she has arranged to discuss with the hEad, but the head had been out of school today so she hadn't yet had an opportunity. She did say that things can get rough and a bit pushy sometimes in the cloakroom area and she couldn't be both in the cloackroom and at the bottom of the stairs. She said to my son that if anything happens again, he should come straight back up the stairs and tell her while it was fresh in his mind so that she could deal with it. I pointed out that he has basically been blanking it so I believe that he lets it wsh over him rather than noteing d
cont'd - I pointed out that he has basically been blanking it so I believe that he lets it wash over him rather than noting details to repeat. She asked him again to tell her about anything straight away and it was left with her to finish her discussions with the head and to carry out her own investigations.
Sorry things didn't go better. That dad sounds an absolute charmer.Chances are he doesn't see anything wrong in his boy's behaviour becaus they are one of these families that seem to communicate by yelling and swearing at each other.
Sounds as if you have tha class teacher on side anyway, which is a big help; but I'm surprised the Head hadn't kept the teacher up to date. It really does sound as if the Head isn't taking it seriously enough and is hoping it just all blows over.
Do they have 'bully report' sheets at your son's school, which can be filled in by a child if somebody is annoying them and given to the teacher or Head to be dealt with?If they do, ask your son to fill one in every time these boys so much as look at him wrong. It leaves a paper trail for the schoo to refer back to, they can't deny the evidence when it's all written down.
From what you've said, it does sound like your son will be reluctant to make a fuss about this at school. we sat our girls down and told that we knew they wanted the bullying to stop and if they would help us come down hard on X for a couple of weeks, that would really help. We told them step 1 was to walk away from him if he came near but to go towards a playground asst. so if he came after them there would be an adult witness. If they couldn't ignore him, fill a bully report - as many as they had to each day. As I said before we backed this up with persistant phone calls to the school.Hopefully your son will understand that if he can do this for just a short while it could really be worth it in the long run.
Wish I could be of more help. Generally I hate violence but when it comes to somebody hurting my girls; I just wanted to pin this little thug to a wall and tell him exactly what I'd do if he kept bothering them.
Do let me know how things are going.
Sounds as if you have tha class teacher on side anyway, which is a big help; but I'm surprised the Head hadn't kept the teacher up to date. It really does sound as if the Head isn't taking it seriously enough and is hoping it just all blows over.
Do they have 'bully report' sheets at your son's school, which can be filled in by a child if somebody is annoying them and given to the teacher or Head to be dealt with?If they do, ask your son to fill one in every time these boys so much as look at him wrong. It leaves a paper trail for the schoo to refer back to, they can't deny the evidence when it's all written down.
From what you've said, it does sound like your son will be reluctant to make a fuss about this at school. we sat our girls down and told that we knew they wanted the bullying to stop and if they would help us come down hard on X for a couple of weeks, that would really help. We told them step 1 was to walk away from him if he came near but to go towards a playground asst. so if he came after them there would be an adult witness. If they couldn't ignore him, fill a bully report - as many as they had to each day. As I said before we backed this up with persistant phone calls to the school.Hopefully your son will understand that if he can do this for just a short while it could really be worth it in the long run.
Wish I could be of more help. Generally I hate violence but when it comes to somebody hurting my girls; I just wanted to pin this little thug to a wall and tell him exactly what I'd do if he kept bothering them.
Do let me know how things are going.
Thanks ying yang - we will keep on top of it - his new teacher is very much "old school" i don't think much gets past her - a lot of the kids and parents don't like her, but I thought she seemed okay and Craig doesn't have a problem with her - his report was very good and the few points that she highlighted for further improvement were spot on. He didn't want to go to school today but wouldn't elaborate. Interestingly they have now started this "Glow" system in school ICT - don't know if your girls have it yet. Basically amongst other things, it is a secure email system that kids can only register for through school but that they can log onto at home as well. Craig is really keen on this and has been emailing his friends - all the usual stuff about being best friends and coming round to play and things. I was chatting about this with a friend from work and she mentioned that we would need to keep an eye on it in case they decide to send him horrible messages, in a way i hope they do and then we have written evidence.....
Anyway, I will keep you up to date with further developments.
Anyway, I will keep you up to date with further developments.
Hi Annie
I don't know what the "GLOW" system is, but do be careful if the bullies have now an opportunity to send your son silent bullying messages. Do you have access to it so that you can check what he is receiving? He might delete unpleasant messages that then continue to prey on his mind and emotions, so you really need to watch this very carefully. Is there some kind of backup in the system that means once a message has been sent it is always available on the ISP server in case it gets deleted by the receipient but needs to be viewed in the future for evidence of some kind?
I don't want to alarm you, but there are too many stories of children who have been mentally tortured with hate emails, so it's best to be aware of the possibility.
I don't know what the "GLOW" system is, but do be careful if the bullies have now an opportunity to send your son silent bullying messages. Do you have access to it so that you can check what he is receiving? He might delete unpleasant messages that then continue to prey on his mind and emotions, so you really need to watch this very carefully. Is there some kind of backup in the system that means once a message has been sent it is always available on the ISP server in case it gets deleted by the receipient but needs to be viewed in the future for evidence of some kind?
I don't want to alarm you, but there are too many stories of children who have been mentally tortured with hate emails, so it's best to be aware of the possibility.
Hi littlewren. - thanks for your input. I don't know how the site works in terms of back up etc. but I will make a point of finding out - it does seem to have gone all quiet for now, but I do know his password and he only has access to the PC when I know about it (we password protect the internet) or at school where I would hope he is under supervision. I would love to catch one of the bullies trying it on over the email just to prove to the parents what their little angels are really like.
I am also pretty sure that he would tell me if he had any emails, but I guess it is hard to know what is going on in his head sometimes - he is really quiet normally anyway, probably a prime candidate for bottling things up and then exploding.
Although it has gone all quiet, my son has wet the bed twice over the last couple of weeks, very out of character for him - I feel like sending the boy's parents the wet sheets for them to deal with!
I am also pretty sure that he would tell me if he had any emails, but I guess it is hard to know what is going on in his head sometimes - he is really quiet normally anyway, probably a prime candidate for bottling things up and then exploding.
Although it has gone all quiet, my son has wet the bed twice over the last couple of weeks, very out of character for him - I feel like sending the boy's parents the wet sheets for them to deal with!
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