What Do You Think?

[horselady]

I know some of you on here have experience of children on the autistic spectrum. My youngest grandchild has what they call high functioning autism, he is 8. I am really uncomfortable with the way his parents (my son and daughter-in-law) seem to favour him so much over his older sister who is 10. He has to be treated with kid gloves in case he has a meltdown, they "fix" games, whether it be board games or bowling, so that he wins etc. My granddaughter is a gorgeous girl and just shrugs and says that it's ok she understands, but I really feel for her. The parents say she is so confident and bright that she will always be ok whereas he needs all the help he can get.

[woofgang]

Are they getting professional support and advice?

[kvalidir]

I have a brother on the autistic spectrum and yeah we did allow for meltdowns but equally we also made sure that he understood that the world goes on around him and he has to take some 'responsibility' is the wrong word but some understanding of that on board and try his hardest. He is very high functioning and he's done great but I tend to err with you that your grandson's sister will need some attention too because otherwise at some point maybe not now etc but later a sliver of resentment might creep in and she's entitled to be a kid too.

[Mamyalynne]

It's true to say that in those situations it's easy to overdo the making allowances card and in the long run it won't help him either.

Good for her that she understands but they do need to have another look at how they're handling this.

[horselady]

woofgang, yes, he attends the resource centre of the primary school and they have a lot of support.
Yes, kvalidir, that worries me, I have known cases where the other child starts to be problematic because they see what benefits can be gained from having tantrums and demanding attention-I do fully appreciate the a child with autism having a meltdown is not the same as a naughty child having a tantrum.

[chelle7272]

My parents said that about me - confident and bright, where my sister had more atention due to a physical disablility, but it didn't mean I didn't want them to show me some attention and feel that they cared about me too.
There should be more balance, yes.

[ChillDoubt]

I had first hand experience of this with a former partner who was raising her grandchildren as her own(long story).
The eldest(who was only just on the spectrum) was pandered to all the time and never apportioned blame for any wrongdoing he did(some of it was downright naughty, pure and simple) nor suffered any consequences. He actively used his diagnosis on occasion to excuse his own behaviour.
In contrast, the youngest got the blame for everything, even when it was the eldests(the autistic one) fault.
The eldest had a dreadful attitude at school(despite their best efforts to be fair) whilst the youngest improved every term yet received no praise, just constant reminders of how he ‘lets himself down’ from his guardian(my ex partner).
The disproportionate imbalance between dealing with and chastising(where appropriate) the two was a major factor in the breakdown of our relationship.
I don’t really have an answer for you but do empathise and sympathise with your situation, it can be very frustrating.

[Guilbert53]

My wife and I have a son with Autism and other disabilities. He is now 28 and holds down a full time job. We also have a daughter who is 30.

Our daughter has left home but our son still lives with us.

When they were young it was a real problem of how to deal with his Autism, and my daughter still feels a certain resentment that our son could almost "get away with anything" when they were both young.

Of course we used to say to our daughter "how would you like his disability" but when you are young you don't quite understand that.

My son could never deal with any change of plan when he was young. If we had arranged to go somewhere, but then had to change the place or time (or had to cancel the event altogether) he could not cope with that and we had to manage it very carefully so he did not "blow his top" due to plans being changed.

While my wife does of course love our daughter she does probably "care" more for our son, probably because she has had to spend a lot of her life taking him to hospital, to opticians and deal with all his paperwork (financial matters etc).

While our daughter lived at home, once she started work we made her pay a little for her keep (not much) but even though he is 28 my wife will not let our son pay for his keep (even though he has a full time job - though not that well paid to be honest) and this still causes some resentment from our daughter.

So how to deal with siblings when one child has special needs is difficult.

Maybe in your case the parents (or you) should take the daughter out for special treats WITHOUT the son now and again, maybe to the cinema, or theatre, or out for a special meals.

While out with her make it clear it is a "thank you" to her for understanding the situation with her brother.

If she feels she is being given these special treats it may make her feel better.

[horselady]

We've tried that a couple of times Guilbert, suggested she'd maybe like to come for sleepover and other things, each time my son says "oh no, what about *** you can't leave him out"

[woofgang]

While I agree with everything that has been said here, it may be that he is less likely to meltdown when the family are alone and the atmosphere is less exciting than when there are visitors even visitors such as yourselves? And therefore at times like these, his sister gets more attention?