My 17 year old son and my partner dont get on

[Worried mum]

Further to all the answers given to my question below. Many thanks. Have posted a couple of responses on the end of original question.

[rampart]

Please keep us informed as to how things go.

Just thinking on matters, perhaps the son needs to win a few rounds with your partner. Son might be a bit emotionally overdrawn at the bank, so let him win a few until he's stable again. So your partner might have to give and give and give while he takes a few verbal punches. If you and your partner keep putting your hearts into it (which I believe you are doing), I think things will ultimately settle. Your son will soon feel the love that's coming his way.

Best of luck.

Is the wedding still just weeks off?

[twiglet4frog]

is your partner trying just a little too hard, i mean it is a nice offer to help with moped's etc but if your son isnt wanting a stranger interferring and "being a dad" then maybe he is feeling like your partner should butt out.

Try getting your partner to give him some space and offering occasionaly if he needs a hand with any problem your son has with something, rather than thinking he is doing right by actually helping straight away. And be prepared for your son to say no thanks and accept it. He needs his independance, but with knowledge that your partner isnt trying to inerfere or control or replace his real father, but merely offering to help someone out if they so ask for it.

[Worried mum]

Thanks Rampart & twiglet. (wish I picked a better online name now!) The wedding is weeks off and both my boys are going to be ushers. Theyve agreed to wear full morning suits(!) and they are going to get ready with groom and best man.

So as you can see things aren't all bad. I think things will settle down gradually. The rows happen when partner asks son to do something or gets peed off about what hes not doing - i.e. jobs round the house weve asked him to do whilst hes out of work.

The real bad times when we had their dad sending foul and abusive texts, following us etc are now in the past. All this was extremely traumatic for the boys and unsettling, not to mention devastatingly hurtful to them. It didnt help as we were moving and buying a bigger house for us all. my new partner is a lot more stable and consistent and hopefully this may slowly rub off on the boys.

I go from feeling quite positive (like today) to feeling really anxious and worried (like when I posted the question). When things are bad it really gets me down because partner moans at me about son and son just avoids being in the same place with us. I try to explain to partner how personal critisism of ones child is but he gets it off his chest to me rather than direct it at son.

Anyway thanks so much for your suggestions.

[twiglet4frog]

personaly, i think your son avoiding being around u is just as much about age as it is about your partner. i lived in my bedroom most of the day and didnt see my parents for more than a few minutes at teatime! but i think it might be right that any problems your partner has comes through u for now so that u can deal with them a little more as he is your son, having said that, your partner does need to back u up from time to time and take matters into his own hands. as for not doing any help around the house? well dont cook him anything when u get back, dont wash for him, etc, and when he grumbles he didnt get any tea or washing done then say that until he gets on and does the few minor jobs u need doing, u havent the time to do things for him either because u are having to do them instead!

Your sons have gone through a traumatic time with one thing and another and a few reassurances and support is whats needed but on the other hand, dont over do it as he needs to learn he is very very close to adluthood now and is expected to do everything off his own back without mummy to look after him and pay his way for him.

My mum said that once the child support benefit thingy u get runs out then thats the day i had to either go to college full time for her to get it until 18 years old or i start paying rent as thats the day the government says i am a man and can stand on my own two feet and earn my keep in society! maybe u should tell your son that!