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Babies and best friends

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Chasingcars | 16:07 Thu 01st Oct 2009 | Family Life
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My best friend had her first baby few weeks ago. Shes 28 and we have been very good friends since school. The birth was a little complicated so she was in hospital for a few days. When we got the text of the arrival I sent an immediate reply of congratulations and so not to overwhelm them, said to let me know when they would like visitors. Having not had children myself yet, I didnt know whether they would expect people just to turn up at hospital or give them peace for a few days until they got home. When I found out she had to stay in for a few days, I sent a text to them to say i could pop during that week but didnt get a reply. When they got back from hospital, I gave them a couple of days to settle in before calling on them. I rang the house couple days later to make sure they got home ok and to see if they would like some visitors and I went arround that afternoon with gifts etc.
Since then I have seen my friend and baby couple of times, but over the last week, none of my texts have been returned. I rang the house a couple of times as i had a day off work but didnt get a reply, so left message to make sure all was ok and to call for a chat if she had time. No call back. I have been off ill this week and text her to say i was off ill but no text back. So now im getting worried that maybe something is wrong. I rang her mobile today with no answer. Im now wondering, do new mums just want peace and quiet? Though, as we are best friends, wouldnt she want to ring for a chat about how the baby is etc etc? Im wondering if being a good friend i am getting in the way, or she is simply just really busy. Knowing how we were, i feel ive lost my friend a little at the moment. I know this is a really important time for her and husband but i feel like they dont have time for me right now. Not sure if i should just give it time to settle down but if i do, will she think im not bothering with her when perhaps she may actually need support?? Any comments please, thanks


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can you contact her husband and just check all is ok?
Chances are that she is just overwhelmed by it all, is tired, feels awful, has baby blues etc etc etc..
How about you invite her and baby out? She may be fed up of being at home and yet not want visitors. Theres nothing worse than having to try and tidy up for visitors when you havnt slept all night.
i agree with red, she may just want a little bit of alone time so dont take it too personally.
As the birth was complicated maybe she's still feeling sore etc and if the baby doesn't settle it can be tiring. Sometimes you just need me time. She's a first time mum and even if she's had experience with babies before when it's yours it's different.

If they both have families having to entertain them can be time consuming too.

Don't feel offended. She'll be back to her normal self soon and she can resume your friendship but very likely in a new way.
I am guessing she simply hasn't had the time or energy to respond back to you! Has her husband returned to work now do you know? Maybe give her a few more days then go round and ask if there's anything you can do to help her. Even if its letting her get some rest while you watch the baby or doing the ironing!
I know at times I am too busy to reply to texts and speak to people on the phone and she is probably getting no sleep and catching up on housework and managing the baby through the day.
If you could speak to the husband or text him to make sure she is ok that might be a good idea too.
I totally agree with tigwig with the fact your friend has probably not had the time or the chance to text you back!
I have just become a first time Mum (baby 3 weeks old) and to be honest we were inundated with visitors at the hospital and at home, and I know it sounds awful, but I couldn't wait for them to leave so I could rest. I have found all the hours roll into 1 now and time just runs away with you! But don't get me wrong, I am loving being a mum but your time is taken up now by a little person! And there have been times I haven't had chance to text people back.
Maybe do what others have suggested and contact the husband to check things are ok and even maybe offer to make a few meals like Lasagne, Cottage Pie etc that can be frozen, so your friend doesn't have to worry about meals. My mum did this for me and it was really helpful.
Just give her a little time to adjust to her new life and I'm sure your friendship will be ok.
I fully agree with Hayleyj about the meal thing, text and suggest you make her a few easy to heat up meals and I'm sure she'll text you back! They are the best presents at this time until she gets into some kind of routine. You sound a very understanding person so if she does want to cool it for a while; she'll be feeling sluggish, fat and ugly and if you're the opposite she'll need time; let her have her space.
One of my best friends had her first baby 10 weeks ago, i have two children so know how hard the first few weeks can be. She wanted us to wait until she was ready for a visit which was a week after, i was a bit upset as she had been there straight away with mine, but i never said and understood that she was so tired i guess some people do want to be alone with just their partner and baby at the beginning. i also offered to help with shopping housework etc but she always said she was fine, i took her some lunch round anyway though! since then i have only seen her every couple of weeks, its very different between us now that she is also a mum, i guess our friendship is going to be different and we have to get used to it. i did start to get a bit worried that maybe i had done something wrong but i feel i have just tried to be there and be a good mate without interfering too much. when i had my baby nearly a year ago now i just wanted my friends to visit me and stay! i loved the company but i guess not all mums are like that, maybe your friend is a bit like mine. It will take time but i am sure it will get easier. I make sure i keep in contact and we arrange to go out as she seems to want to do that more than me just visit at home so like someone else said why not arrange to go somewhere together.
I think you are going to have to face up to the reality that your friendship, although strong, is going to change now. The arrival of a baby always changes the dynamics of any relationship, even that between husband and wife and in the early days, there simply isn't enough time or energy for the new mother except to cope with the essentials of looking after the new arrival.
You will probably have to be realistic about this. Although she will still value you, you've fallen down a notch in the pecking order - at least for the time being. the baby is Number One and all time consuming. I suspect that even your friend's husband will be feeling a little displaced. And if you text too much she will start to feel beleagured. However hard it is for you, try to back off a little or try and retain her friendship by doing really practical things like offering to pop round and do her vacuuming for her, or some shopping or ironing. Good friendships have to adapt to changing circumstances. If you've been used to going out for girlie nights or things like that, she simply is no longer going to be able to do this on a regular basis.
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Thankyou all for your comments, really useful to get other peoplespoint of view, especially new mums which i cannot really identify with!
As it happens, oddly enough just after I posted this email, and thought about calling her husband, she text me to say sorry for delay, manic with baby, doesnt have time for anything any more which is kiind of as i thought, though did start to worry a little.
I havnt text as much just to ensure she doesnt feel overwhelmed with messages as she did say she was still getting lots of visitors too. I text her at the weekend to invite them over for sunday lunch in couple of weeks to give them a break from cooking and thats now in the diary which is nice= and she did seem genuinly grateful.
I would like to call more rather than text but always worry now about waking baby, or her if shes having a nap, or when the baby is screaming!! Appreciate friendship will change a little now, but always expected it to. Just want to make sure I try and be a friend that is a help more than a hinderance!!
To add to my original post, she is also bridesmaid for my wedding next year, so have held off talking weddings until she is up to speed with 'baby'!

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