Did I miss much being brought up without a Father?

[tonywiltshire]

My Father died when I was a child, I hardly remember him, have I missed much in being brought up without a Father?

[ummmm]

Better than none....

[rowanwitch]

no .... because they gave me a false impression of what he was like... so all the bad side to me I attributed to my mother...because no one told me he also became an impossible ideal to live up to..

[Old_Geezer]

Sure'y how much you missed depends on the father you are comparing him too. Some fathers take little active participation with their kids, others can't get enough of being with them.

[rsvp]

haven't read the subsequent posts but to my way of thinking, if you are a happy bunny now, why the question.]? There are a million whys and wherefores as to the outcome if you had had a father throughout your formative years - but, he may have had a detrimental effect on you too - (also he may have inspired you to great heights) but is it worth worrying over what you can never get a definitive answer to? There's obviously a reason for the question - want to share it?

[ladybirder]

Andy, do you know why your father treated you the way he did? Was it because of his own upbringing? Don't answer if you don't want to.

[andy-hughes]

Hi ladybirder,

I know that from my age of eleven onwards, it was the strain of living a double life.

My dad set up home in a town thirty miles away with a woman he knew in the early days of his marriage to my mother. They had the whole nine yards - house, car, dog, son (!) and he lived there under an assumed name.

As far as we were concerned, he was sleeping over the wineshop he managed for a national chain when his own business ran into financial problems - coming home Wednesday and Saturday nights to our home. It all came out when i was 24, he left that day, and I never saw or heard from him again. When he died, he left instructions that neither I or my mum and two sisters were to be infomed of his death until after his funeral - not sure if he thought we would turn up - but yes, he was arrogane enough to think that.

In many ways he was a duplicitous, violent, nasty man, but i think (or i like to think) that he loved me in his own way, he just didn;t like or understand the person I was, or the man i grew into, so he would constantly put me down and row with me, and I would avoid being with him or speaking to him unless i absolutely had to.

Like I said, my daughters have benefited greatly because i have been totally the opposite to him - I have made time to know them, and be with them, and enjoy their company, and we are still very cose as they enjoy their own babies and children.

I feel blessed that I managed to get right what he got wrong - but i could have done without eh constant belittling and yelling as I was growing up. But as Nietzsche says, what doesn't kill us makes us strong - and I think I know what he was talking about.

[tonywiltshire]

Not worried rsvp just interested in what other people, including you, think.
As andy says we are all the result of the circumstances of our lives.
Thanks for all postings they make interesting reading.

[Sqad]

tony.....Look........I understand your question, but please, don't make the absence of a father the reason for all your "negatives" in life, as it can easily do if you become obsessed. As long as whoever has brought you up has made a good job of it then.....leave it.

[cupid04]

I still have my father, but I lost my mother when I was only 12 and found it
difficult forming a close relationship with my daughter. I still miss her [even
though it's been 40 years]. Whenever I see anyone not appreciating their
mother I feel like shaking them and telling them how lucky they are to still
have a mother.

[missprim]

We are what we are because of the people who have been in our life. Well done Andy for not following in your fathers footsteps and making sure your children were well loved.
Tony, as others have said it really depends on what your Father would have been like and I hope you can accept that sadly your Father died when you were young and move on from that.
Fortunately I had a brill Dad but he died 6 months before I was due to get married and so he couldn't give me away. This was a really sad time but I just had to accept this was just another chapter in my life.

[ladybirder]

Albeit inadvertently he taught you a lot then Andy didn't he, and as you say, your children have benefited from that, thank goodness. I just wondered what sort of childhood your father had himself. Perhaps he didn't know any better.
My father and mother divorced as like your own father he led a double life. I didn't see him for many years. But I truly believe that he loved me and I know he tried to make it up to me in the last couple of years before he died. However I never heard my mother say a good word about him and she never let a chance go by to say a bad one.

[Mosaic]

I'm with Em rather than Umm. Had intelligent but very violent and volatile father, when not beating would belittle. I got useful training in reading violent situations. I often hoped my parents would split but they didn't.
It isn't the biology that matters, but who cares for you in life.

[ummmm]

I was lucky.

[bestmum]

I would rather not have had a father who physical and mentally abused my Mum in front of myself and my brother. We were only 8 and 11 at the time and the things i seen him do to my Mum have stayed with me all these years.

[Maydup]

I think you will have missed out for sure Tony, but we play the hand we're dealt don't we? Not much to be done about it but to accept that we all have very different circumstances and what might have been a disadvantage for you might have been an advantage compared to the next person.

[RATTER15]

I wish my Father had moved out of the house when I was young, I had never known my parents speak to each other once in 18 years, he said he would stay in the home until I was 18, which he did. I really wish he hadn't bothered, he was a bastard to my Mother who was the dearest lady on the planet. If he had left when I was young my Mother may have re-married much younger and made her happy and me and my siblings could have had a Father that cared. Sticking around for the children's benefit usually does not work!

[RATTER15]

I really feel that I missed out on a terrific amount, I had a wonderful time bringing up my children, we done so much together and we are still close now they have all grown up and moved away. :)

[ladybirder]

I've always thought that it really is better to have one parent at peace with him/herself than two at loggerheads with each other. Now I don't know.

[paddywak]

I guess I was lucky in that I had my dad long enough to go through the stages kids often go through with their dads from loving him to hating him, to not being able to see him with out arguing to having him become somebody who was a really good friend as much as a dad

[Carakeel]

In answer to your question, it all depends on what kind of man your father was. I totally understand ratter15's response. Thankfully his mother really was a caring and wonderful woman and we both miss her very much. I consider myself to have been immensely lucky to have the father I had. He was a true gentleman, a gentle man, a man of integrity! He was funny (he was an actor / singer), he gave sooo much love and dedication to us and he was my best friend. When he died I totally fell to pieces and even now, 37 years on, I still miss him so much. More so since I have been with my ratter15, as I know Daddy would have loved him. So yes, if you would have had a father like mine, you would have missed out on so much. But if you would have had a father like ratter's, then no - you have not missed out on anything. I hope your life has been a good one so far, even though you lost your father. My father would be 95 now, but sadly he died aged only 58.