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Reason for wife cheating
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I've posted elsewhere asking for advice on where I stand after finding my wife cheating. This post is going to be a difficult one for me as I'm opening myself wide open here but want to find out what people's thoughts are.
My wife has told me the reason she slept with someone else is that I was having problems with PE and didn't seem to be doing anything to sort it out - in her view - and things hadn't improved in the three months since she'd first discussed it with me. She says she's been sleeping with this other fella for about a month - although this does vary and the fella himself said it had been about three months - so if I assume she's not lying over this then she gave me two months. I personally feel the problem is due to the long-term comments she'd been making about me having an impact on my confidence and in turn affecting my performance.
I really loved her and in truth still do.
She'd sent emails and photos to the other person which I, in anger at finding out about the relationship, sent on to some of her friends.
After 15 years of being together and 12 years married, does two months to solve a problem seem reasonable and does sleeping with another man to get self satisfaction seem a good solution?
I've not been perfect in this but wondered if it's possible for a couple to resolve and overcome something like this if they both want to? Has anyone done it and managed to completely put behind them the indiscretion?
My wife has told me the reason she slept with someone else is that I was having problems with PE and didn't seem to be doing anything to sort it out - in her view - and things hadn't improved in the three months since she'd first discussed it with me. She says she's been sleeping with this other fella for about a month - although this does vary and the fella himself said it had been about three months - so if I assume she's not lying over this then she gave me two months. I personally feel the problem is due to the long-term comments she'd been making about me having an impact on my confidence and in turn affecting my performance.
I really loved her and in truth still do.
She'd sent emails and photos to the other person which I, in anger at finding out about the relationship, sent on to some of her friends.
After 15 years of being together and 12 years married, does two months to solve a problem seem reasonable and does sleeping with another man to get self satisfaction seem a good solution?
I've not been perfect in this but wondered if it's possible for a couple to resolve and overcome something like this if they both want to? Has anyone done it and managed to completely put behind them the indiscretion?
Answers
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Hi Boogie,
Sorry you're going through this difficult time with your wife, I kind of know how you feel, as my partner has recently been chasing another woman, but say's it hasn't progressed as far as sex, but I guess you're feeling very betrayed, hurt and let down. I feel completely bitter and hateful towards mine.
When partner's cheat, they have a tendency to try to pass the blame onto their partner. Your wife is claiming it's because you were suffereing from PE, which is pretty callous as it's not your fault. My partner tried to say it was because I'd been neglecting him.
People do often cheat because they are lacking something in their relationship, but it can also be because they just want to. Maybe they are flattered by the attention of the new person and the excitement assosciated with a new romance.
I think women will cheat if they don't feel appreciated, their spouse no longer makes them feel special or attractive or they feel taken for granted. With men it's often more simple and usually revolves around sex.
I expect your wife has been cheating on you for longer than a month. Did she meet this man via the internet? You say she's sent e mails and photos to this guy, so there could have been a build up to this affair over a matter of several months. Even if she wasn't sleeping with him then, the intent was obviously there.
I guess you and your wife need to decide where you go from here. Do you both want to be together and if you do, how will you sort out your problems? I think the important thing is that she is honest and tells you the truth. It will be difficult, as the trust has now gone and that may never return.
Sorry you're going through this difficult time with your wife, I kind of know how you feel, as my partner has recently been chasing another woman, but say's it hasn't progressed as far as sex, but I guess you're feeling very betrayed, hurt and let down. I feel completely bitter and hateful towards mine.
When partner's cheat, they have a tendency to try to pass the blame onto their partner. Your wife is claiming it's because you were suffereing from PE, which is pretty callous as it's not your fault. My partner tried to say it was because I'd been neglecting him.
People do often cheat because they are lacking something in their relationship, but it can also be because they just want to. Maybe they are flattered by the attention of the new person and the excitement assosciated with a new romance.
I think women will cheat if they don't feel appreciated, their spouse no longer makes them feel special or attractive or they feel taken for granted. With men it's often more simple and usually revolves around sex.
I expect your wife has been cheating on you for longer than a month. Did she meet this man via the internet? You say she's sent e mails and photos to this guy, so there could have been a build up to this affair over a matter of several months. Even if she wasn't sleeping with him then, the intent was obviously there.
I guess you and your wife need to decide where you go from here. Do you both want to be together and if you do, how will you sort out your problems? I think the important thing is that she is honest and tells you the truth. It will be difficult, as the trust has now gone and that may never return.
Do YOU think that your relationship is worth saving? If so, you should make an appointment with Relate together and an appointment with your doc re the PE.
A friend of mines partner had the same problem (PE, and impotency)and my friend had two affairs behind his back. Her partner found out and they split up for good as he could not forgive the betrayal. She's now a single parent bringing up their son.
She is quite happy though and has a new partner who her son adores but her ex is still single so I do not think he got any "help".
Sorry if that does not help you, I am trying to illustrate that you need to seek advice on two counts from professionals, no matter if you and your wife stay together.
A friend of mines partner had the same problem (PE, and impotency)and my friend had two affairs behind his back. Her partner found out and they split up for good as he could not forgive the betrayal. She's now a single parent bringing up their son.
She is quite happy though and has a new partner who her son adores but her ex is still single so I do not think he got any "help".
Sorry if that does not help you, I am trying to illustrate that you need to seek advice on two counts from professionals, no matter if you and your wife stay together.
The other man is her lecturer. She has sworn on the kids lives that they only met for sex twice but then she's admitted to another occassion as well when I asked her about a certain day.
She's been 'running me down' for a while and communication has been lacking for quite a while due to her being tied up in her coursework - except for all the times she's been communicating on msn to him. I know for a fact she'll say that I've not been paying attention to her but that's not strictly true, although on the face of it may be close - I mean to say that I haven't had the opportunity to pay her attention as she's cut me off before I had the chance.
I did seek advice from the doctor who was very helpful and said that most men suffer from it and that it wasn't anything to worry about, he then checked my blood pressure and sent me on my way. I've found a few articles on the 'net and have something that I hope will help, although at present this problem seems a bit secondary and I've lost a bit of interest in that aspect of life since finding out on Wednesday.
I've just had a conversation with my wife who tells me that I've spoiled her life now, due to me sending an email to her classmates telling them what her and her lecturer were up to, and she hates me more than anything else. I've told her that I can forgive her indiscretion if she cuts off all contact with him but she says she can't forgive my reactions to finding out and sending the email.
I think maybe you're right about the displacement of blame but I do admit that I've not been perfect in the relationship, maybe I have been possessive, not paid enought compliments, etc. but I do draw the line at cheating of any sort and wouldn't do that.
She's been 'running me down' for a while and communication has been lacking for quite a while due to her being tied up in her coursework - except for all the times she's been communicating on msn to him. I know for a fact she'll say that I've not been paying attention to her but that's not strictly true, although on the face of it may be close - I mean to say that I haven't had the opportunity to pay her attention as she's cut me off before I had the chance.
I did seek advice from the doctor who was very helpful and said that most men suffer from it and that it wasn't anything to worry about, he then checked my blood pressure and sent me on my way. I've found a few articles on the 'net and have something that I hope will help, although at present this problem seems a bit secondary and I've lost a bit of interest in that aspect of life since finding out on Wednesday.
I've just had a conversation with my wife who tells me that I've spoiled her life now, due to me sending an email to her classmates telling them what her and her lecturer were up to, and she hates me more than anything else. I've told her that I can forgive her indiscretion if she cuts off all contact with him but she says she can't forgive my reactions to finding out and sending the email.
I think maybe you're right about the displacement of blame but I do admit that I've not been perfect in the relationship, maybe I have been possessive, not paid enought compliments, etc. but I do draw the line at cheating of any sort and wouldn't do that.
At least you got some sort of explanation from the Lecturer, who I hope you reported to the University. I would say he has well and truely abused his position and has acted unprofessionally.
I have e mailed this woman involved with my partner on a few ocassions, but still no response. I find her behaviour shocking as she knew we were due to get married and that I'm 8 months pregnant and to top that, she'd only recently moved in with her partner.
I personally think your wife is making excuses about your PE. From what I gather and being a woman myself, penetrative sex is not the be all and end all. The foreplay and clitoral stimulation is more important and whilst you received help or treatment, you could have heightened your sexlife with the use of "marital aids".
For her to swear on the kids' lives is outrageous, come to think of it my partner swore on the life of our unborn baby, that he wasn't up to anything with the woman he was chasing, but this is what liars and cheats will do.
Is this Lecturer of her's in a relationship or married? I would agree with Charisse, if you both want to save the marriage, then speaking to someone at Relate may help. They can offer both relationship and sexual counselling. I hope everything works out for you and your children.
I have e mailed this woman involved with my partner on a few ocassions, but still no response. I find her behaviour shocking as she knew we were due to get married and that I'm 8 months pregnant and to top that, she'd only recently moved in with her partner.
I personally think your wife is making excuses about your PE. From what I gather and being a woman myself, penetrative sex is not the be all and end all. The foreplay and clitoral stimulation is more important and whilst you received help or treatment, you could have heightened your sexlife with the use of "marital aids".
For her to swear on the kids' lives is outrageous, come to think of it my partner swore on the life of our unborn baby, that he wasn't up to anything with the woman he was chasing, but this is what liars and cheats will do.
Is this Lecturer of her's in a relationship or married? I would agree with Charisse, if you both want to save the marriage, then speaking to someone at Relate may help. They can offer both relationship and sexual counselling. I hope everything works out for you and your children.
I think that no matter how long you've been together, if she cheats she cheats. Divorce her. Some people get back together after one of their partners cheats but it just doesn't work. It may last a month, a year or longer but eventually it will be too much to cope with. Sorry about the PE thing too. Hope it all works out well. You may decide to take my advice or not but at the end of the day it's up to you. "What may be right for some people might not be right for others, in fact, it might be worse for them..." Good luck figuring that out. :)
ok, I've read all sorts of things on here and other sites and there seems to be all sorts of advice.
We've been married for 12 years and had our ups and downs as every couple does. We've had a good talk about everything and I think we've been open and honest about everything we feel.
My wife really is everything to me - I know some people say that and don't mean it , but I do. I may seem to be a fool for doing it and it may turn out that I am a fool later on but I don't want my marriage to end.
I accept that we've just gone about our routines for the last 18-months and maybe I wasn't giving her what she needed. She accepts that what she did was wrong and said that she was at a low point in her life. He father died twelve months ago and it hit her hard - I thought I was being supportive but maybe I wasn't. She says that the sex with him didn't make her happy and wasn't a solution. She says he meant nothing to her and she meant nothing to him - it was just sex. She says she won't be contacting him again and neither will he be her.
We've both agreed to start over again and try to romance each other almost as though we've only just met. There are likely to be many hurdles ahead for us but if she puts in as much effort as I plan then there's no reasons why it can't all work. Maybe this is the 'blip' we both needed to work towards finisihing our days together and here's hoping it all works out for us both to be happy, together.
We've been married for 12 years and had our ups and downs as every couple does. We've had a good talk about everything and I think we've been open and honest about everything we feel.
My wife really is everything to me - I know some people say that and don't mean it , but I do. I may seem to be a fool for doing it and it may turn out that I am a fool later on but I don't want my marriage to end.
I accept that we've just gone about our routines for the last 18-months and maybe I wasn't giving her what she needed. She accepts that what she did was wrong and said that she was at a low point in her life. He father died twelve months ago and it hit her hard - I thought I was being supportive but maybe I wasn't. She says that the sex with him didn't make her happy and wasn't a solution. She says he meant nothing to her and she meant nothing to him - it was just sex. She says she won't be contacting him again and neither will he be her.
We've both agreed to start over again and try to romance each other almost as though we've only just met. There are likely to be many hurdles ahead for us but if she puts in as much effort as I plan then there's no reasons why it can't all work. Maybe this is the 'blip' we both needed to work towards finisihing our days together and here's hoping it all works out for us both to be happy, together.
Beaty,
I did complain but they don't seem to have taken any action against him as I think they're viewing it as being a mutually led situation rather than him coercing her. It's a foundation degree in graphic design.
I also emailed one of the photos she'd taken for him to her classmates which has led to her being unable to face them and complete her degree properly - something I now totally regret - but the college has come up with a solution that's workable.
A word of warning for anyone else going through this, don't act on impulse, it can really backfire on you. I was reported to the Police for sending pornographic material - although only a topless shot - but my wife didn't want to press charges. My actions also could have led to 16 innocent students failing their studies.
I did complain but they don't seem to have taken any action against him as I think they're viewing it as being a mutually led situation rather than him coercing her. It's a foundation degree in graphic design.
I also emailed one of the photos she'd taken for him to her classmates which has led to her being unable to face them and complete her degree properly - something I now totally regret - but the college has come up with a solution that's workable.
A word of warning for anyone else going through this, don't act on impulse, it can really backfire on you. I was reported to the Police for sending pornographic material - although only a topless shot - but my wife didn't want to press charges. My actions also could have led to 16 innocent students failing their studies.
Well Boogie, I really hope you and your wife manage to sort things out and your relationship grows stronger despite her misdemeanour.
My partner and I are going to Relate and I had my first session alone today, we will start therapy as a couple next week and even after this one session, I'm starting to feel a little better and more optimistic for the future. Perhaps it could help you both too.
Good luck
My partner and I are going to Relate and I had my first session alone today, we will start therapy as a couple next week and even after this one session, I'm starting to feel a little better and more optimistic for the future. Perhaps it could help you both too.
Good luck
Hey, I am so sorry to hear about this. No your marriage is not over. I am not sure what kind of religon you practice but i have the perfect thing for you if you are willing. I am not sure if you are aware of the movie Fireproof with kirk cameron, go rent it and watch it by yourself or with your wife if possible. Then you go get the book -- The Love Dare its a book that you do for 40 days each day there are lessons on love and then a dare you have to complete each day. Its amazing and changed my marriage completly. No matter how hard it will get you cannot give up, yes it will be hard but very challenging, but a wonderful reward!! the book is by Stephen and Alex Kendrick you should be able to pick it up anywhere. Gook luck and even though I dont know you I will keep you in my prayers! and Remember Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:7-8
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