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what should I do???? unusual situation dilemma...??

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joko | 23:20 Mon 15th Dec 2008 | Body & Soul
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i have been seen a 25 yr old guy for 6 weeks, im 36, very intensely, spent almost every minute possible together, from the moment he got home from work and every day off etc...at his request - he would be on the phone wanted to know how long id be if i was 20 mins late etc
so it was a lot of time together, even though it may not be that long 'calendar-wise'.
during that time we talked deeply and he said he loved me and was shocked that he actually loved someone as he never had before (tho he hasnt had many girlfrinds to compare this too, none for 7 years!)

well a few weeks ago he ran out of citalopram...and just didnt get any more...and ever since he is like a diffrernt person, weird, cold, an kinda cruel.

he reckons theres no problem and that this is the real him! but i dont think so...

he intends to go back on them soon but is delaying it cos of the horrid startup symptoms...

so my dilemma is... do i hang in there an hope he goes back to normal soon...or just give up and let him get on with it...??
we are technically still a couple...

if he doesnt go back to like before i cant be with him - hes too frustating....

i am also aware that he may just have changed his mind an gone off me...but it is quite a concidence and very extreme change from one end of emotion to the other within days.

everythin was great before.

any ideas advice?

my instinct is not to just give up on him - because if he is not well or whatver....i would hope hed stick by me if it was the other way round you know...but am i wastin my time, hopin for somehting to go back to the way it was...
i have researched withdrawal symptoms/cold turkey and they can be very dangerous mentally and physically

thanks

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A difficult decision for you! This drug is used to treat severe depression, and therefore maybe your boyfriend should not have just stopped taking it, he obviously has a real problem, you need to be aware that mood swings with this kind of depression are commonplace in patients deemed to need this drug, think about it very deeply, it will be a rocky road if you decide to stay with him.................hope this helps............................welsh
joko my dear. Methinks he is a delusional cretin and making a fool of you in the making. Do the right thing keep your distance from the madman. Is he welsh by any chance? Probably off [email protected] sheep.
It is obvious to me that whilst your boyfriend was taking the anti depressant drugs then you were not getting to know the real person and you should be very wary whether or not you continue this relationship. Your boyfriend should be getting closely monitored treatment and to stop using his prescribed medication is really foolish. Is there a reason why he has stopped taking his pills ? I suggest he seeks urgent medical advice and perhaps start a programme of councelling to at least give him someone to talk to about his fears. You are in a very awkward situation and my advice although completely as a non professional would be to try and step back for a while, do not commit to this man in his present situation. Anyway best of luck. xx
I dont know much about the drug he has stopped taking but he sounds a bit scary to me! The fact that he was on his own for 7 years raises a red flag to me, I would be very wary, best of luck, whatever you decide to do x
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thanks guys

he stopped through pure lazyness and because he didnt realise it woul dbe such a problem...he thought he;d just start to feel a bit blue again for a little while... so stupid

i cant talk to him about counselling or gettin help because he wont listen, thinks its all fine an i am bein stupid for worrying..as i said he has gone cold and nasty..

he has got more pills now, but has not started them again.

however i believe that actually taking anti depressants actually brings out the REAL person rather than not - they are mood STABILISERS, not MIND-CHANGERS and i think they allowed him to feel and express emotion an d experience life in a balanced way...he was thriving on them... without them, before he ever took them, the balance of his mind was messed up, paranoid, confused, suicidal etc - an that is not anyones 'real' self...if oyu get my drift

so i do think the 'old' him was the more real him...but he has not been taking the drug for a long enough time for it to have had any permanent long term healing affect

i believe that if he goes back on them an never stops again until its time an is controlled, we could be happy as we were before...but its hard to say if this would or could happen now....
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loubeeloo...i woudl have agreed with you there - had i not been on my own for many years too...

he has had minor 'dalliances' but nothing serious.... same with me...

i have had a fair few offers...but none of them appealed...thats all really... maybe just no-one hes met has been someone he wanted ot be with - who knows...
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i would be ok to put up with a bit of sh!t off him - if i could be sure it was because he wasnt in his right mind - and was effectively 'ill'... but if not i cant put up with the cruel things he says and his coldness...
especally if he continues to delay startin them again

much longer and i suspect that by the time they start to have an effect on him, i may be past caring...that is the risk he is taking i guess...though the way he is i doubt he cares at the moment...
Joko, I'd be more than a little wary if I were you. Stopping any kind of tablet like that is dangerous. If he wants to come off them, then he should seek his doctor's advice on being weaned slowly. Don't think that because these things are mood stabililisers that what you're getting is the "true" person.
Citalopram is given to people suffering from depression, mood changes and panic attacks, and if this guy had adverse effects from the start, then he should've gone straight back to his doctor. It usually takes a while for the benefits to show up. I wish you the best of luck hun, but it sounds as though he's too intense too soon one minute, and not worth your time the next.
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he wants to stay on them...he knows he needs them...hes just being all 'carefree' and a nihilistic...like i said hes gon ereally werid and wont see the doc cos he thinks he fine...

i actually feel like sometimes hes bein like this and acting up to annoy me..like he thinks its funny to wind me up...like i said this weird streak in him.

he is bein really stupid...

he is on them cos he had a bit of a breakdown ... i dont know the details..didnt know him then... but his mates said he was very miserable and despairing and suicidal.

thanks
Hun - I can only tell you that these particular tablets can cause suical thoughts in themselves, so goodness knows why he was prescribed them if he felt that way beforehand! If I was in your shoes, I'd tell your bf to go back to his GP or hospital, and have a word about this medication, with a view to changing it, If he won't listen, then I'm afraid that you'll have to make a decision as to whether you're prepared to stand by him, despite his nastiness towards you at times. Six weeks is still very young for a relationship, and you have time to back out. Personally, i would, telling this guy that if he helps himself first, then you'd reconsider getting back with him. x
Sounds like you are dating someone with Bipolar, which is why he's up and down with intense emotions.

I would be running the opposite way very fast, as he will drag you down with him. His whole condition will take over your life and that will be all there is in this relationship.
I suffer from depression & am on the same drug. It was a little "different" when I started, but not difficult, nor horrid. I went off one other drug slowly, then started on Citalopram - again slowly. ALL WITH A PSYCHIATRISTS DIRECTION!!
So far so good. I do feel better, more relaxed & stabilized. It's been about 4 months now.
But that's the key; never go off a drug without medical supervision! And never cold turkey. That's where the real problems can start.
It annoys the hell out of me when mental health people stop taking their meds. The vast majority know that by doing so will invariably cause some sort of meltdown manifesting itself in all sorts of ways. My experience of them doing it is many-fold. Laziness, (as in your BF), leaving the responsibility of getting them from the pharmacy in someone else's hands, (usually another mental health person with their own probs), stupidity, etc. The only person who stops taking their meds authentically is the schizophrenic whose condition worsens even after being on the meds successfully for time. (But even then, that can be infuriating as they can recognize their worsening symptoms & tell the doctor.) But of course schizophrenia is a very insidious illness & some can't recognize them - this is why support people in the form of trained psych social workers, or the like, are available at the ground level. Meaning anyone with any mental illness can work full time, have families, live life without anyone in the community knowing they have a mental illness. Unfortunately some will become ill & have breakdowns & may have to be hospitalised or have to stop work for a time or get help with the family despite being on a drug successfully for years. It's just the nature of the beast. Like you get cancer. You get the chemo - it may put it into remission & you're well for years. Then it comes back. Or you have the chemo & it cures it totally.
Anyone who has an ongoing mental illness is a stupid fool to go off their meds. The first time is sort of allowed for as we don't want this illness, we take the pills, feel better after a few moths perhaps, then RIGHTO, I'm fine now & go cold turkey, throwing the rest down the loo. Been there, done that - with horrid results. Attempted suicide, lose of friends, re-hospitalisation, crushing disappointment, a sense of failure, etc, etc.
SO!!! This BF of yours went off his meds & just didn't get anymore & gives a pathetic excuse of not wanting to start taking them again? Run for the hills. Seriously! He is obviously one of the stupid ones who wastes everyones time by getting well with meds, then becoming unwell cause they stop them. The stupid ones are, mostly, master manipulators who are vague about their past relapses, hospitalsations, relationships - anything. The vast majority of people with mental illnesses are intelligent with them. They take their meds with a doctors, support workers, whatever, supervision & for the most part stay well. I've had my ups & downs, (pun intended) but I follow the advice & keep taking my meds as directed. Sure, some of the side effects are a LITTLE irksome; but wellness is by FAR better than a little constipation or slightly shaky hands or tiredness at times.
PS: Velvetee; how dare you discriminate against ALL people with bi-polar! You're post smacks of discrimination & even bigotry against all mental illnesses. It also sounds like you'd feel the same about paraplegics, the elderly & black people. Read the above & try to be informed, please!
You've been with him 6 weeks, and a few weeks ago he stopped taking the drugs?

So how long were you with him whilst he was taking the medication?

Have you met his family and friends, or do you only know him by what he has told you?

Depression is a severe, debilitating illness that can be effectively managed with the correct medication and support, but I would say that after 6 weeks you hardly know him at all, even though you have spent all your free time together.

If he's 25 and hasn't had a girlfriend for 7 years, he was 18 when he was last in a relationship, so he hasn't had a proper, mature relationship at all, really.

How does he get on with his mother? A passing thought, but be very wary if he doesn't have a good relationship with her.
More likely to be doing that to your missus al-alba. Come to think of it a sheep would be more attractive and less smelly.
I do not know the circumstances of what first led him to go to the doctor to get help, at least he did though which is the good thing.

I can only speculate but he may have felt like he was back in control of his life when he was taking his prescription, so therefore didnt see the need to take them anymore. Maybe he thought he was "Cured".

At his request you say you have spent a lot of time together, this to me is slightly worrying as he has basicly dedicated a lot of his life to you in such a short time. I dont think any relationship can survive with you living in each others pockets, you need your own interests, hobbies, friends etc etc.

To be brutally honest if you stay with him then his deppression may worsen affecting everything from his self-esteem, confidence etc etc. He may shut more of his life off to be with you and become more emotionally reliant on you week after week. So if you did actually finish with him he may threaten/try to commit suicide.

You need to act NOW. All realtionships should have a bit of give and take so give him an ultimatum that if he seriously does love you (allthough i think he may be in lust with you-I dont see how anyone can fall in love after 6 weeks. Especially without living together) then he needs to start taking his tablets again, if he doesnt its over. Also you both need to spend time apart, like the old saying says "absense makes the heart grow fonder".

If he is a heavy drinker or smokes cannabis then he needs to stop that as well. Both are deppressants and will make him MUCH MUCH worse.

Let us all know how you get on.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Love out to you : )
Please consider very carefully all the answers that have been posted so far. They are all very good advice. I would say to distance yourself being that there is 11 years difference in your ages - your maturity level has got to be much higher than his. You've got a lot more wisdom and experience under your belt. Wish him the best, give him a kiss and send him on his way.
Question Author
thank you all for your answers

he started takin them again...and the differnce was almost immediate...generalyy just in a good mood, more affectionate and loving - however...he is in a band and te start up symptoms knocked him for a 6 a bit...so he stopped again so he could do the gig...now hes waiting til after xmas... and hes already started to be a bit weird again...

he said he thought hed just begin to feel a bit down again for a bit...didnt think there would be cold turkey side affects ....he obviously doesnt see how hes coming across.

his relationship with his mum is very good...she is young so comes to his gigs and gets on with all his friends. he relies on her a bit - the main reason he didnt get his pills was cos she was in austarlia and he didnt know who his doc was or the gp's number... i offered to get them for him you see while he was at work... apparently she deals with all that stuff .... he hates his dad and stepdad though.

he initally had a breakdown apparently...thats why he went on them...

2 of his friends are mates of mine so i do have some knowledge of his past.

i was with him on the meds for about 1 month - but one whole month solidly - we practically lived together...
i know i was stupid for getting so involved so soon, but there you go, it was fun and you can't help your feelings i guess...

i am seriosuly getting to the end of my patience...i have decided not to do anything before xmas... and have decided to wait til he goes back on the meds properly and see if he is ok... and make sure he knows that if he ever stops again...im not going to put with this again...

i just feel like id be givin up on him at the first sign of trouble - when actually he needs my support - silly probably but then i am a soppy sod - lol
HE DIDN'T KNOW WHO HIS DOCTOR WAS!!!!! What an incredible load of codswallop. That is an outright lie! He had to go to a doctor first to be prescribed them didn't he! So of course he knows who his [email protected]@dy doctor is! Another vague, pathetic, faulty excuse for his stupidity in handling his mental illness.
He sounds like a wife beater. He hits his wife, apologises profusely, is lovely for a while till it happens again. And you sound like a wife who might just allow this to happen. Cause when he's nice, he's real nice. (When he's on his meds & well, he's real well!)
For christs sake tell him how he's coming across! Tell him he's kinda cruel. Stop being soppy. You are probably not the first person who didn't want to give up on him in the first sign of trouble. Hence no girlfriends for 7 years. They maybe thought the same, then gave up when he continued to be an unreliable, excuse for not taking his meds maker.
Why is he waiting till after xmas to start retaking his meds again? He'll be saying he'll want to wait till after New Year, then Valentines Day, then Easter, then Bank Holiday, then his birthday, ad infinitum. Or he'll go back on them after xmas, but then want to go off them for some pathetic, selfish reason like playing a gig.
Do the meds make him forget how to play his instrument? Or they make him lose his voice?
What's he going to do when his Mum dies? He'll be useless. He has got to stop relying on her, or anybody, that much. It's great she's around to help. But he shouldn't leave all that stuff to her, & she shouldn't let him leave it all to her. And he shouldn't hoist it onto someone else - like he would with you if you let him.. Why couldn't he get his meds, why did you get them for him? What work does he do that he can't get them during his lunch break or after work? You obviously did. And don't say your work was closer to the chemist! Don't you make excuses for him - he has plenty. Can't you see that if he doesn't have a doormat to get his meds, he won't get them himself!
I am angry with you Joko as your last post sounded wishy washy. Like my last post, idiots who don't take their meds properly are cunning & vague - like full on alcoholics. He might just take them, all goes well, you get married. You're in deep, he's got you know, he knows it's going to be harder now for you to leave him, so he starts being a **** again with his meds.
I've seen it, Joko! I've seen it in the psychiatic hospital I've been admitted to a few times. I've seen it in the centres I've attended for getting back to wellness. I've seen it in depression group clubs. Time & again. Think woman, THINK!!!!

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