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bubbles4920 | 21:33 Fri 07th Mar 2008 | Body & Soul
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a so called good friend as accused me of going through 'all her belongings' while i stayed with her at xmas, this really isnt true and i dont know what is making her think this. i was either out or really ill when i was at hers and didnt even have time to go through my own things in my suitcase never mind hers. i feel so helpless, she just wont tell me what ive done and says that i know when i truly, truly dont! ive swore on my grandmas life and racked my brains so much. she has always lived on her own for years and has never been in a long term relationship. her dad goes round on a sat. im thinking maybe its him or maybe she had someone else stay, if i say this to her though she is going to think i am passing the buck isnt she!?so i feel like its a waiting game that may never happen. im so sad too that after all this we cant really be friends again can we?!? weve known each other since 92 and have been on holiday together several times.has anyone been in a similar situation,accused of something they didnt do but no one believed them, and if so what was the outcome? how did you overcome it if you never found out what you were supposed to have done.i feel like im on trial for something i havent done, i know now how it must feel when someone goes down for a crime they havent committed. god i would be a wreck and definitely suicidal because of feeling so helpless and powerless.i keep crying and its making me ill. my hubby doesnt know what to do with 'friend' can be a bit mysterious at times, maybe she thinks ive 'discovered' her secret life, if only!


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If your friend had enough galls to confront and accuse you of doing something which you said was totally false, then I believe you should have the gust to face her and clear your good name. Personally, I would stay far away from such a person.

Couldn't you arrange to meet her somewhere public and have a face-to-face chat about this? Tell her exactly what you wrote here, and clear yourself of any suspicions she has of you.
Perhaps write her a little note saying how disappointed your are that she accuses her of this.

I would say, in a very short letter, that I did not do what she accused me of.

Then I wouldn't contact her again.

Silence from you, and a flat denial on her kitchen table might give her the kick needed to see how she has been acting.

Hopefully she would contact you again with an apolgy.
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i live abroad now, she just thinks 'figure' that im lying each time that i deny it. i had a brainwave about 5 mins ago though. the day i arrived she had left her key under the mat for me and for the man coming to repair her light in the bathroom.someone who has done work for her before i think but dont know if actual same bloke.he had been and gone before i got there. so it could have been him, dont know what im supposed to have done but if the underwear drawer etc was a mess it could have been a pervy guy looking through stuff. she will never believe me still but i hope to give her food for thought if she emails me again. she hates confrontation so i dont think she will let me ring her or even fly over to see her. im that prepared to even do that to clear my name. i wish i could do some fingerprinting eh!? im just insulting her intelligence by asking her what ive done, thats how she will see it!
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if i keep on too, she really will think i am guilty! the saying goes 'the woman doth protest too much' so one more shot then will have to try to recover from it but dont know how, its like im in mourning!
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I think you need to know what you are supposed to have done, maybe she has seen you doing something and thought you were doing something else. The amount of times my dad said to me "you know what you have done", but when I found out what it was he had got totally the wrong end of the stick, for example he seen me in the woods with a guy when I was about 14 under a tree with a tree house and assumed we were going there for sex, when I was actually there to dump the guy for another friend and that was a spot everyone knew just behind her house. Tell here without knowing what you have done there is no chance to defend yourself, I needed to get my friend to explain to my dad in the end before he would believe me.
Your so called friend is putting you through hell here and I empathise with how you are feeling right now. Ive a friend at the moment, who is LYING THROUGH HER BACK TEETH ABOUT ME and I have been SO GOOD to her and her son over the past 7 years. It's HELLISH and you have all my sympathies.

What I have done, is delete my so called friends number from my mobile phone so that if in the event I get drunk and or upset, so I will NOT text her with my thoughts of how I feel about her right now. I am going to ride the storm with my head held high until the truth comes out as long as that may take! This is VERY VERY HARD for me as I am the kind of person who likes to sort things here and now! It has really got me down bubbles but PLEASE rise above this person, try and ignore it, think how she has hurt you and ask YOURSELF if YOU DESERVE IT. ..............................THEN ask yourself if SHE deserves YOU as a friend.

Take Care. Katie. x
I would have to ask for more explanation than 'going through my stuff'. You know you haven't done anything, so get her to tell you exactly what you 'have gone through'. It can't be her underwear, surely, or she would accuse you of fancying/stalking her (or whatever) rather than 'going through her stuff', no?

If your friend really does have a few mysterious secrets that she'd rather people didn't find out, then perhaps she's a bit paranoid too. If she's a close friend though, she would tell you everything anyway. If she's not, is she really worth cutting yourself up so much over, when she's throwing accusations at you but not explaining what she means?
She could be ill, sounds like a paranoid delusion, or is there evidence that it is a fact that someone has "gone through her stuff" such as missing items or obsessively placed items moved or previously non public information in diaries more public? You need to ask what she bases this accusation on through concern for her mental health, cos if she has know hard evidence then you will probably uncover a delusional belief system of irrational paranoid thoughts, which may help you help her.
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thank you so much for all your really helpful comments, im devastated as you can probably imagine and am going to try and move on once i know or dont know what ive done but its going to take some doing. god i feel sick again this morning and just want to sob and and sob, hopefully she will tell me what i have done so wrong. i do think that she should look closer to home though but i dont think she will ever have that!
curiosity hit the nail on the head of my thoughts. she could be mentally ill and if this is the case she needs expert help. other than that... and i dont say this to be hurtful, but perhaps she is exaggerating a situation so she can fall out with you, laying the blame at your feet so she can absolve herself from any guilt about it (in her own head).
If you are really as cut up about all this as you say, then you are a true friend and if she cannot see this, it is her loss. Bet your hubby loves you more; he wouldn't be so fickle. If she refuses to trust you, let her go.
I agree with Figure - meet this person face to face and ttell her exactly what you've said here. If she's a true friend, she'll believe you. If not - cut your losses and have nothihng more to do with her. I doubt if a real friend'd say this sort of thing to you anyway - x
You are trying to defend yourself against something that is basically indefensible, with the kicker being that you didn't do it. It's natural to want to "defend" yourself, but you are making things worse by doing this, not better. Confrontation will only make her dig her heels in.

To top it off, your friend sounds like she has some problems with people and relationships in general.

You can't tear yourself up over this. She has something going on in her life, and for whatever reason, she is taking it out on you. You can put the ball back in her court.

Send her this note:

Dear _____ ,

I care for you and cherish your friendship dearly.

During the past 15 years, you have had ample opportunity to observe what kind of a person I am. Over the years, I have noticed that you are very guarded in certain areas. I have consistently respected your boundaries. I am both saddened and deeply hurt that you believe I would have violated your privacy. I would have hoped that after all these years that you would instinctively know that this is not something that I would do. Unfortunately, this doesn't appear to be the case, and I am truly puzzled as to why.

I love you and value you as a friend, and it concerns me that something has happened to make you so distraught as to throw aside everything that you know about my character and believe the worst.

I'm here if you want to talk. If not, please know that I will always wish you the very best.


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as you have been so kind with your advice,just wanted to update you all if you are still viewing this thread. i sort of did what njgirl suggested and wrote a similar email to my friend but included quite a few specifics in it too. my so called friend said that she didnt want to hear it,had no time for my 'ramblings' and expected an apology as i was ' a bitch and i did go through her stuff'! i was not prepared to give an apology for something i hadnt done, she said she was 'sparing my feelings by witholding evidence' from me by not telling me. gosh it sounds like a court case doesnt it!!? so in the end i suggested ringing her, even going to see her back in the uk now she has time off work and i didnt want to be the one to put a fullstop to it all. she finally did, i think she hates confrontation so wouldnt want to see/speak to me. she made me feel very disappointed but i didnt cry over it, ive done enough of that. so now ive just left it, i will never know what really happened, its weird how she wouldnt say. maybe she thought i had found something out about her that was embarrassing for her and she didnt want to repeat it. if only i had then maybe i could understand her better. maybe she'd had enough of me and now i live abroad its a sick way of ditching me but a strange one if so! so im going to move on from it, im sure in some quiet moment i will always ponder on this but as i will never know i cant let it gnaw away at me. its really sad too that our friendship has ended by email, one of the tragedies of modern technology eh!

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