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Sex Drive

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Stevie | 23:38 Sun 11th Dec 2005 | Body & Soul
10 Answers

Hi all

I hope I haven't broken any rules by my question or offended anyone.

I'm using this site given the anonymity it provides me with and this is a genuine question.

I know you'll say 'go see your doctor' but I thought I'd ask the real experts first in the shape of you guys and girls !

Since the birth of my baby a year and a half ago, my sex drive has plumetted. It was good before, but now if I'm intimate with my husband once a month it's an achievement. I work long hours in a stressful job and the baby is understandibly tireing. My husband also works hard and has a stressful job too.

He constantly feels rejected and I can see that he thinks I've 'gone off him' which isn't the case. When we are intimate, I think he feels we are being so because it's 'my duty' which, again, it isn't, it's because I want to.

Aside from the usual suggestions about 'spiceing up' our sex life by going to a sex shop and coming home with a bag of toys, videos and underwear, can any of you guys relate to this and perhaps suggest anything that'll bring back my sex drive, herbal or otherwise, and also any advice as to how you got through it.

As I say, this is a genuine question and again I apologise if I've offended anyone.

Thanks guys and girls.



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This may sound a bit depressing, but it worked for me, remember when you first met and think about how passionate your feelings were for him, think about all the times that were special, funny, loving, again passionate. Then think about never having that again with him for whatever reason, and think about what you would give to have that back., and be his partner rather than a mother (even though you are, clearly) Sometimes I think when we have kids (we have 3) all the energy is zapped up and the loving is done between parent & child, so emotionally we feel fairly fulfilled by the natural love a baby gives, but obviously it is a different love that we need. My kids & colleagues often ask me am I'm going somewhere cos I've redone my lipstick, but it's just because he's coming home or picking me up. (Not every day though) Good Luck

I do not think there is an easy answer and most of us who have had children would agree that the first year or so is a whirl of exhaustion and nappies and food down your front and sex is not the most alluring pastime. You almost 'fall in love' with your baby and have little time for anyone else, not saying this is the same for everyone but it is very common. If you are back on the pill that might not help. You say that your husband feels 'rejected' that means he has mentioned it and it has become a 'thing' between you. This then exacerbates the situation because you are thinking 'is he thinking I am doing it for him' and he is thinking 'is she doing it for me' and the natural ebb and flow has gone awry. Some people might not agree with this, but could you not satisfy him just orally so at least he is not feeling all those frustrated feeling - not just robotically but in a loving way so that maybe the tension between you is eased as you might not then feel he is pressuring you which then makes you retreat even more. A visit to the doctor would at least give you some idea re the hormones .... I don't think the sex toys and things will work I think they will have the flavour of 'pantomine horse' . Keep the lines of communication open in a loving way with your husband even if it is just to be honest with him and tackle the problem as a partnership. Whatever happens don't each of you retreat into your own part of the problem .... after all the baby is a joy to both of you and makes a massive difference to a relationship as there are now 'three of you in the marriage' to coin a phrase! Even if it is just having some sexual activity and maybe not the fully Monty as I said so that you can be close physically afterwards I think is worth 'keeping things going' so that he does not feel rejected and that the natural flow can return.

Your busy life is probably ruled by your diary. So put time for togetherness in it! Yes, I'm being serious. Even if it's only an hour a week (a whole evening would be better).

Actually plan that at 9pm on Wednesday, with supper over and the baby in bed, you will turn off the tv, light some candles, and go back to sensuality - massage each other, but not necessarily leading to sex. Rediscover the enjoyment of being together.

You'll feel a bit daft the first time, but you'll be glad you did!

Good luck.

zinc is good to help boost your sex drive.

I agree with SolarJunkie,if poss,tell him how your feeling and try & talk it over,much better than bottling it up.Try to have 1 night a week when you 'have an early night',light some candles & incense,put some relaxing music on low,and give each other a long massage with some sensual oils,then see what happens,if you do'nt feel up for sex,just enjoy the closeness you have shared.But whatever you do do'nt worry,your sex drive will return,just take your time & talk.Good Luck!
I almost agree with Veritymoon about zinc, but not as a boost to your sex drive, but because if your body is low on Zinc your sex drive can diminish, so taking some might help to get your system back up to more normal conditions. As it affects lots of stuff in your body it might help other things as well. (by the way, Oyster's contain lots of zinc so the old thing about them and sex may have some basis in fact)
Apart from that, do you only have physical contact when you have sex, because as a married male I can tell you that a simple hand on the shoulder at the right time can say ''Im here and thinking of you'' maybe you need to just make some contact with your man even when your both tired just as a reminder to him that he is still in your mind most of the time.

I have found the pill to be a big dampener on my sex drive - to the extent that in my case that was how it exacted its contraceptive effect! Remember that it works by fooling your body into thinking that it is pregnant, so not surprising that it puts sex on the back boiler.

Coming off the pill has made a huge difference to me, but not alone. Other things that have helped include my doc's suggestion of banning sex (what you can't have and all that ...!), qapmoc's excellent suggestion of instigating non-sexual physical contact and (more than anything else) taking a bit of time to love myself. As long as you feel frumpy, dishevelled and unsexy (even subconsciously - trust me, dowdy self-image can creep up most insidiously) it's very very difficult to become aroused. A hot bath, gorgeous silky baby-oiled skin and gleaming, soft hair ALWAYS helps me feel less like an old hag.

Try to engage in physical affection on a giving basis only - this does two things: It reassures your partner that you do still desire him, and more importantly it lifts the pressure 'to perform' from your shoulders. By doing this I found my old unruly self coming back out of the closet, because I was concentrating on giving pleasure and wasn't scrutinising my own response.

I'm still not 100% back to par yet - we rely heavily on lube and patience - but things are definitely looking up. Find the best way to unpressurise yourself in sexual terms and you have the key to a better sex drive.

I can relate to Eels. I was on the contraceptive pill for two years and it was only when I came off it that my sex drive (and indeed my zest for life) returned to what it was before. I had no idea that the pill could reduce sex drive and then I started reading up about it and realised that it is very common. I really feel for you as you obviously love your husband and feel guilty that you cannot be the woman you desperately want to be. I hope some of this advice has comforted and inspired you. One more thing: don't be freaked out by sex toys etc. once you get over the initial fear, they're incredibly fun and not at all weird or kinky. Good luck!
You probably have a number of things affecting your sex drive. For one, you mentioned having a stressful job and stress can impact your sexual life. The connection and symptoms are noted at

I don't know if you're the type of person that misses meals or grabs food on the fly, but attention to proper nutrition can enhance sex and desire for it. There are some recommended food choices at

Hope you're able to find the solution that works for YOU!
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