ChatterBank0 min ago
Am I Wrong To Be Very Irritated At This?
83 Answers
Working in Care Homes, especially in the field of Dementia I often find that families, usually sons and daughters don't visit their parents once the dementia progresses.
The reason I usually get is: that isn't my mum, that's isn't my Dad!! It really winds me up!!
I want to say: yes it bloody well is, you may not have any desire to visit them but how about the need they may have to see their daughter or son!
I know that some times they may not recognise their son or daughter but even if they don't it usually still registers that it is a familiar and close friendly person.
We have a lady only in her mid 60s, now very close to being in a vegetative state due to her dementia but we can still get a limited response from her. Her Son regularly comes to the home to bring things for his mother and pay the bills etc. but will never come into the home for fear of seeing his mother that he claims to love.
Of course I can accept it is very difficult but I really think that with help they could deal with it for the sake of their loved ones.
These people need their families now more than ever but they are frequently just shut away and never seen by their families again.
It really winds me up, am I wrong or should I be more understanding?
The reason I usually get is: that isn't my mum, that's isn't my Dad!! It really winds me up!!
I want to say: yes it bloody well is, you may not have any desire to visit them but how about the need they may have to see their daughter or son!
I know that some times they may not recognise their son or daughter but even if they don't it usually still registers that it is a familiar and close friendly person.
We have a lady only in her mid 60s, now very close to being in a vegetative state due to her dementia but we can still get a limited response from her. Her Son regularly comes to the home to bring things for his mother and pay the bills etc. but will never come into the home for fear of seeing his mother that he claims to love.
Of course I can accept it is very difficult but I really think that with help they could deal with it for the sake of their loved ones.
These people need their families now more than ever but they are frequently just shut away and never seen by their families again.
It really winds me up, am I wrong or should I be more understanding?
Answers
It must be incredibly hard for relatives to deal with, but i agree that visits are always worthwhile for someone with dementia. They might get language muddled, saying "sister" instead of "daughter" but they never completely lose face recognition. We have had many residents acting as though they don't recognise their children - until they've gone- then...
18:37 Mon 31st Mar 2014
its about role reversal and the inevitable decline of the loved one,
you become the parent in essence, that means you end up assessing your own life in terms of mortality, they pass away and then you are left bereft, you are not the child any more. And its much more difficult caring for an elderly parent than a child, because you were once their child, so you are not used to seeing them in a childlike, immobile, and often emotional state.
you become the parent in essence, that means you end up assessing your own life in terms of mortality, they pass away and then you are left bereft, you are not the child any more. And its much more difficult caring for an elderly parent than a child, because you were once their child, so you are not used to seeing them in a childlike, immobile, and often emotional state.
but when they are that bad that they dont know you, generally you are not the one doing that kind of care anyway - the washing, toilet, etc etc.
when they are ok, just old, you visit the home in order to spend some time with them, to talk, have a laugh, play a game, just be there for company - you dont start bathing them, feeding them etc
so when they no longer know you, the purpose and focus of your visits - quality time - no longer exists, as they have no idea who you are and whether you are there or not - they still get all their needs taken care of - food, bath, etc etc, by the staff
all that happens is the family feel devastated, hurt and distraught, and the person in question feels nothing, no hurt, no loss, no loneliness etc, the family are forgotten almost as soon as they leave.
family still pay for care, ensure they have all they need, and presumably check on them physically every so often, but weekly 2-4hr visits etc etc would just be painful - especially if it was over a period of many years - a few months then i would think most people would be there.
i would go for as long they knew me, and knew they had company - because i would want to see them, but also i know they would be upset if i didn't, they would want to see me too, and i'd obviously provide whatever else they needed, but i could not bear to watch my parents in such as severe state, it would destroy me ... in fact its making me feel a bit tearful right now just thinking about it ...
fortunately unless they both live to about 90-95 i can't see that happening really (hopefully), as they are both still active etc at 74 and 85 - a wee bit forgetful at times, but nothing unusual
when they are ok, just old, you visit the home in order to spend some time with them, to talk, have a laugh, play a game, just be there for company - you dont start bathing them, feeding them etc
so when they no longer know you, the purpose and focus of your visits - quality time - no longer exists, as they have no idea who you are and whether you are there or not - they still get all their needs taken care of - food, bath, etc etc, by the staff
all that happens is the family feel devastated, hurt and distraught, and the person in question feels nothing, no hurt, no loss, no loneliness etc, the family are forgotten almost as soon as they leave.
family still pay for care, ensure they have all they need, and presumably check on them physically every so often, but weekly 2-4hr visits etc etc would just be painful - especially if it was over a period of many years - a few months then i would think most people would be there.
i would go for as long they knew me, and knew they had company - because i would want to see them, but also i know they would be upset if i didn't, they would want to see me too, and i'd obviously provide whatever else they needed, but i could not bear to watch my parents in such as severe state, it would destroy me ... in fact its making me feel a bit tearful right now just thinking about it ...
fortunately unless they both live to about 90-95 i can't see that happening really (hopefully), as they are both still active etc at 74 and 85 - a wee bit forgetful at times, but nothing unusual
murraymints, I was that my mum never became agressive. That would have made it far more difficult for me. She was also a very petite lady, so I can imagine you went through a much harder time really. You did well, you really did! Each family's situation is different and we often do not know what lies behind the feelings family members have for each other or once had. As for how we are doing? Well, we have each other and that will always be what keeps us going. We have a lovely place to move to now, so you can still come visit. Sadly though we won't be able to keep all of our animals and it will be very difficult to let them go. We have forged real bonds with them and they trust us ... yes, even the chickens do, lol! But things are not looking quite as bleak as they did some weeks ago. The new house is amazing and I can't wait to get there. Just not looking forward to the actual move. xxx
Hi wolf63. Thanks for asking. Yes, I am doing my best to keep them well. Always lots to do here and never a dull moment! My father, being an actor / singer and hence often out of work in the early days, used to have a great saying whenever things got tough. He would always say " As long as we have us!" I often think of that, with all that has been going on. And as long as Ratter15 and I have us and our hounds, we will always be fine. Not looking forward to the move, but things will be so much better once we have it behind us. x
Congratulations Anne! x
some fantastic posts by carakeel here, imo. You sound like an amazing lady.
joko, the person is always still there underneath the dementia- they may not be able to communicate that to you, but they are the same person. Don't assume somebody has genuinely no idea who you are- even if they tell you that. Your visits would still make such a difference to them.
Having worked with people with dementia for 20 plus years now - they still never fail to surprise me.
some fantastic posts by carakeel here, imo. You sound like an amazing lady.
joko, the person is always still there underneath the dementia- they may not be able to communicate that to you, but they are the same person. Don't assume somebody has genuinely no idea who you are- even if they tell you that. Your visits would still make such a difference to them.
Having worked with people with dementia for 20 plus years now - they still never fail to surprise me.
Totally agree Pixie.
I posted this video so some will realise that their is usually someone still "in there" but it isnt always clear as to how much or how to find them but we shouldn't give up on them just because we don't see them come through.
It may not be your thing or it may be upsetting to some but please watch it to the very end.
I posted this video so some will realise that their is usually someone still "in there" but it isnt always clear as to how much or how to find them but we shouldn't give up on them just because we don't see them come through.
It may not be your thing or it may be upsetting to some but please watch it to the very end.
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