Unhappy/needy Partner

[Meg888]

Hi. My partner & I have been together for 9yrs. We used to live together, but split up last year after many drunken/violent outbursts from him. He now has his own place, and has sorted himself out with the heavy drinking so we got 'back together'. We each keep our own house and now only see each other when we don't have our kids (he has two, I have one) my girl spends 3 nights each week with her dad, so I see him these nights. However, there have been a couple of occasions where she has needed to stay with me on the nights I usually see him and he gets ridiculous about it. Calls off our relationship, accuses me of not caring of his feelings etc. At a risk of sounding pathetic, I do love him but he seriously wears me down when he goes on like this - it doesn't matter what I say to him, he will not have it said that it's his own insecurities causing these feelings. He's always been a bit insecure but this past 18 months he's been ridiculous. We were getting on very well, until something important school wise cropped up this week and I told him I needed to keep my girl all week. I'm not dependant on him in any way and I've always made it clear that he will never live with me again, so it's not like I've gave him false hope. I just wish I could make him understand that he's the one with the issues not me - he see's his kids once a fortnight, and has never been close to my girl - so he's not very paternal so to speak.

[mccfluff]

what do you get out of this relationship and where do you see the future going with him? - what do you want

[themorrigan]

hi meg, you will not make him understand anything and unless he realises he has a problem he won't be able to resolve it. Ask him why he objects to your daughter staying at the house when he comes to visit. Try and make it non-confrontational, and try not to react in a defensive manner if he says something you'd rather not hear. If it happens again that your child needs to stay with you I would say something like ' I know you find it uneasy when (name) is here, but I have no alternative. I will fully understand if you don't want to come to visit, I will be disappointed but its your choice. You have to understand she is a child and needs me to be there'. If he objects frankly I'd tell him to sling his hook.

[Bbbananas]

Agree with Morrigan.

[Connemmara]

It doesn't seem to me that you are getting anything out of this relationship - I would say "get rid".

[maggiebee]

Agree with what's been said. Your daughter should be your first priority at the moment. If he can't see/accept this, then I would be saying goodbye.

[Arksided]

It's hard to sever old ties etc... and you sound as though you could do a lot better.

I'd tell him to sling his hook. best advice IMO.

[arwyn]

Make a list of what YOU get out of the relationship.
Make a list of what you think HE get out of the relationship.
Make a list of what you see you and him TOGETHER get out of it.
Make a list of what you want for your FUTURE ie just sex, or company or a family with the kids involved.
Then ask yourself if your getting what you want.
A lot of lists but it'll be worth it if this relationship is a waste of time.

[Meg888]

That's just it, he doesn't visit when she's there - I won't allow it. He put us through a horrible time last year, and I swore I would never allow it to happen again while my girl was under my roof. So it means he has to stay away and I don't visit him either when I have her. She's 16 but has mild special needs, so she needs my support and attention more than the average. I honestly think he is jealous of not getting my undivided attention, and your answers have got me thinking - I get very little out of it. If anything, I think I feel responsible for him, he's like having another child. When we're getting on, he's great he's my best friend but he's a nasty person when it's not going his way. He plays pathetic mind games, which I just don't do and goes from up to down/pleading to shouting in minutes. I know if I call time, he'll just bombard me for ages and I end up feeling torn. He's made me feel like this anyway over the past week with his ridiculous behaviour, I'm never going to put him before my girl - but I wouldn't expect to come before his kids either

[mccfluff]

what do you want for yourself in your future?

[mazie]

" he's great he's my best friend but he's a nasty person when it's not going his way"

I think that says it all Meg..... :o(

[Meg888]

I just want a chilled out life. My parents passed away last Sept & May this year, and with all the rubbish from him last year it's not been the easiest of times. I work full time in a job I love, and I thoroughly enjoy the time I have with my girl without the worry of him kicking off. I've just had news she's attending a school I've been fighting all year for so we're delighted, but of course he has to dampen the joy. I'm an utter fool, nearly every time something nice happens for me - he scoops the joy out of it, by trying to turn it into something about him. He's even the same when something bad happens, it's as if I'm allowed 'so much' time to feel upset about something then my attentions have to be turned back to him. Thanks for the replies, I know what I need to do, I'm just sounding off and hoping I'll be tough enough to do it.

[mazie]

It's not only him that's Unhappy, he's making you and Your Daughter Unhappy too....Let someone else feel responsible for him and put up with the cr@p. Good luck Meg whatever you decide to do xx

[grasscarp]

Meg888 you have said that you love him, but I cant see a single positive thing you have said about him or any sign that he loves you. I once wasted several years not able to find a way out of an awful relationship (we never did live together). When it did happen I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Best of luck.

[belrec]

Good luck, the right path is often the hard one. xxx

[ummmm]

Meg, you sound like a strong lady that knows her own mind, even if you don't act on it. You're not living in denial, you're not making excuses, you're not pretending things are better than they are.

You know what you need/want to do.....

If you wanted confirmation, you've got it.

You can't stay in a relationship with someone you don't want to have around your daughter.

[pusskin]

I'm glad you are thinking positive meg and only letting off steam coming on here. Stay strong and hope you find courage to beak away and be free and feel lots happier. I could not put up with this situation. Good luck meg x

[Meg888]

Thanks for the answers and good advice. I just think it's ridiculous - this is the second time this has happened, both times because I chose to have my daughter stay on 'his nights'. He should just accept this is something I need to do, fair enough I can understand his disappointment, but to act all heartbroken as if I'm ending our relationship and questioning my commitment to him is way over the top. I'm sure if he voiced this out loud to someone else, they would tell him how pathetic it sounds. He basically exists until he is next with me, and I've told him there has to be flexibility where kids are concerned, otherwise it just won't work. He can't seriously expect my daughters' nights with her dad are going to stay rigid forever. To be honest, I can't see much of a future, as we did the 'family' thing - his daughter caused a whole bunch of trouble, helping to fuel his fire in causing horrible arguments over the pettiest of things until such time I'd had enough. His kids still stay in touch with me, their choice but I will never let him or them close to my girl.

[pixie373]

I really can't see a long term future with someone you say you'll never live with again, and you don't want him around your daughter. You'd be spending the whole time having to choose between them x

[pusskin]

You sound a confident, caring sort of person meg, with a job you really like.
i can only see things getting better and better for you in the future.
be happy with your little girl, she needs you more x

[atalanta]

He's a narcissistic ratbag. The word which stands out here is "Commitment". He wants you to commit yourself to him before your child. He has absolutely no idea of commitment himself. He wants you to do all the "give" while he does all the "take".
That's not what a "give-and-take" relationship is supposed to mean.
Tell him there's nothing in it for you, time for him to get lost