unfaithful

[Scarlett]

I was having a conversation with my friend (male, 33) last night, who is on the verge on splitting up with his girlfriend of 6 years because his desire to be with other girls is too strong. Maybe his relationship has come to a natural end, as they do (she is 46), but he was arguing that it is impossible for men to be faithful, since that is not what they are programmed to be.

He also said women are programmed to be monogamous, and men only pretend to be because that is what their women want.

Have I been deluded all these years, or is he right? Are all men programmed to be unfaithful?

[Lonnie]

Hi Scarlett, well lets put it this way, men are programmed to scatter their seed,(survival of the species), so in that context, possibly yes, but if a man finds a woman he loves, creates a home, family, and treasures them, even if the urge to stray, (and it probably will be), is there, knowing what he's likely to lose should stop him.

As for Women, you girls are programmed to chose your mate, to ensure that the offspring you have, are the strongest, and have the better chance of survival, to that end, and i'm talking pre-womens lib, it is in the womans interest to have the male stay with her, to provide food and protection, so it was in her interest to stay faithful. Womens lib, (and in a lot of ways it is a good thing, especially in the modern world), has changed all that.

[Scarlett]

Is that why men seem to prefer women that are good at cooking, being sympathetic, nursing, and having sex with them? Because these are the things they need, and will therefore not stray from a woman that provides these things?

[Lonnie]

This might explain, not that you never knew this anyway. 'Boys grow up and become big boys, girls grow up and become women, wives generally becomewives and surrogate mothers.

[Rubberduckie]

Sorry, I think your friend is making excuses for his immaturity. He's basically saying "I can't help behaving in this way because I'm a bloke. I'm not responsible". And incidentally, I've known more than one worthy woman who has given a man all the good things you list and he's still dumped her for someone younger/more attractive.

[K99]

I'm female and I find it hard to stay faithful, in fact I've yet to do it. I don't think it matters what sex you are just the type of person you are. Also a lot more women than you think are unfaithful, we just hide it better. I've become an expert at lying over the years.

[jno]

broadly speaking, this is true. The main concern of our genes is to reproduce themselves, via males who impregnate as many women as possible, and females who try to choose only the best genetic partners; so you get trade-offs between quality and quantity. But the wonderful thing about humans is that they're smart enough to override this programming. Most do. Fidelity is perfectly possible for both sexes. Those who are unfaithful are just making excuses by blaming their genes (or else they really are no smarter than rabbits).

[woofgang]

excuses excuses. Human males are also said tp be programmed to fight for territory and to hunt for food. Does he bop his neighbour over the head with a big club and drag home a whole cow? I don't think so.

[jno]

woofgang if you don't think human males are still territorial, watch them drive. However, they seem to have handed hunting duties over to females, or so my observations in Tesco suggest.

[woofgang]

I think human males still have all those urges, however I think that MOST of them have developed beyond a point where they think with their <ahem> urges. I also think that those who cop the "its not my fault its my genes plea" are not worth bothering with!!

[malajusted1]

i respect your friends honesty. A man can have the perfect wife, relationship, family- but will still cheat.

i've been married for 13 years and for 11yrs played second fiddle to my wife. In the 11th year we nearly split and i found that women found me attractive (i'd always lacked confidence), I began to sleep around and found that i gained in confidence- i only had to acknowledge a girl and they literally began to fall, i pocessed some sort of aura.

My confidence rescued my marriage- she began to appreciate me and what i'd always done for the family- a bit of jealousy works wonders! We are happier than ever- but i still always maintain a lover ( who coincidently i do not like!). It plays into my conquest desire and subsequently prevents me from having a full on affair and falling for someone.

Your friend is to be admired for being upfront and not sneaky like me.

ps- i grew up thinking that i would be faithful, it took 11yrs of a painful marriage to turn me.