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10 yr old step daughter doesnt clean up after herself
My partner has 2 children who stay with us overnight on a Thursday and all day/night on Sunday. They basically have the life of luxury here and are fed well, given access to go on the internet (they dont have this at home) and their clothes are always washed and ironed for them and back in their wardrobe.
The day after they have stopped over I can guarantee their room looks like a bomb site. Clothes everywhere, sweet papers/or whatever thrown on the floor, beds not made. I dont mind washing up after them and making the bed but they are aged 10 and 12 and I feel they should be starting to learn that you need to clean up after yourself.
The oldest, 12 yr old boy, does put his clothes away now as I purposely thought Id start at the bottom so left the clothes folded neatly on their bed for them. The 10 yr old daughter is basically the scruff. Her idea of putting clothes away that she has thrown on the floor are putting them back on the bed.
I asked my partner to speak to her the other week but this morning guess what I walk into! I feel its a little disrespectful to me but I know she is sooo dizzy. Even last night I purposely handed her her clothes and said "I'll leave them for you to put away".
Any suggestions on how to get her to clean up after herself before I lose my temper (seems her Mother is exactly the same). Even some form of reward chart?? Any clothes she has left last week I sent home with my partner when he went to collect them!
The day after they have stopped over I can guarantee their room looks like a bomb site. Clothes everywhere, sweet papers/or whatever thrown on the floor, beds not made. I dont mind washing up after them and making the bed but they are aged 10 and 12 and I feel they should be starting to learn that you need to clean up after yourself.
The oldest, 12 yr old boy, does put his clothes away now as I purposely thought Id start at the bottom so left the clothes folded neatly on their bed for them. The 10 yr old daughter is basically the scruff. Her idea of putting clothes away that she has thrown on the floor are putting them back on the bed.
I asked my partner to speak to her the other week but this morning guess what I walk into! I feel its a little disrespectful to me but I know she is sooo dizzy. Even last night I purposely handed her her clothes and said "I'll leave them for you to put away".
Any suggestions on how to get her to clean up after herself before I lose my temper (seems her Mother is exactly the same). Even some form of reward chart?? Any clothes she has left last week I sent home with my partner when he went to collect them!
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Well firstly you need to be slightly more direct in your approach. I raised my children with no rules whatsoever barring one which was use your common sense, and this prevails when doing something like putting stuff away. If you want her to put it in the drawer then just say ' please put your clothes in the drawer and make your bed please, and don't drop sweet papers on the floor and make a mess of the place" don't rely on anything ambiguous with kids, they just revert to their own idea of what tidy is then:)
If they don't do it, bring in the law of cause and affect. ie you don't keep the place tidy and I won't let you borrow my computer etc.
I'm quite a heat freak and have to say I never really had much trouble in this regard, because I expected it to be tidy, and duly because of the cause and effect rule, they kept it so ( most of the time:)
If they don't do it, bring in the law of cause and affect. ie you don't keep the place tidy and I won't let you borrow my computer etc.
I'm quite a heat freak and have to say I never really had much trouble in this regard, because I expected it to be tidy, and duly because of the cause and effect rule, they kept it so ( most of the time:)
The children will soon learn that there are different rules at your house. Just keep plugging gently away and try not to make it into a battle. Forget the idea that children should be 'grateful' for what they have there. Once they know you and get to like you they will want to please you. You are lucky they aren't a few years older!
Do you have children of your own TGM? If they were your children would you be expecting them to clean up after themsleves or like most other mothers do it for them?
I just asked this, because I know it can be difficult accepting and forming a rapport with a partner's children. I've been in a similar situation and it was hard for me to see my then partner, pandering to his child's every need.
I take it you live with your partner, so it's your home too. Perhaps you should speak up yourself and tell them to keep things a bit tidier. They probably think you are being sneaky, going behind their backs and complaining to their father. It must be a difficult situation though.
I just asked this, because I know it can be difficult accepting and forming a rapport with a partner's children. I've been in a similar situation and it was hard for me to see my then partner, pandering to his child's every need.
I take it you live with your partner, so it's your home too. Perhaps you should speak up yourself and tell them to keep things a bit tidier. They probably think you are being sneaky, going behind their backs and complaining to their father. It must be a difficult situation though.
Stop leaving them in life of luxury if they dont contribute.
Demonstrate give and take, so if her brother pus his clothes away., then you wont mind cleaning them, whereas hers get sent home dirty and scrunched up beause she leaves them on the floor.
Likewise, if they want nice clean sheets and a nicely made bed, then they should at the least, take the bed clothes off for you and put them in a laundry pile.
If they can see there life is nicer when they play ball, it should help. Whereas if they get it all by doing nothing, then why should they do anything?
And if they can see if annoys you having mess, so that if they dont tidy, you'll have to do it yourself to stay sane, then they have no incentive to do it.
Whereas if you can try your hardest to ignore their mess in their rooms, and keep the common areas tidy, so they live in the mess, they'll figure out eventually that you arent going to get mad enough to do it for them.
Demonstrate give and take, so if her brother pus his clothes away., then you wont mind cleaning them, whereas hers get sent home dirty and scrunched up beause she leaves them on the floor.
Likewise, if they want nice clean sheets and a nicely made bed, then they should at the least, take the bed clothes off for you and put them in a laundry pile.
If they can see there life is nicer when they play ball, it should help. Whereas if they get it all by doing nothing, then why should they do anything?
And if they can see if annoys you having mess, so that if they dont tidy, you'll have to do it yourself to stay sane, then they have no incentive to do it.
Whereas if you can try your hardest to ignore their mess in their rooms, and keep the common areas tidy, so they live in the mess, they'll figure out eventually that you arent going to get mad enough to do it for them.
I can appreciate where you are coming from, but it is best to lay down what is acceptable and what isn't - I am not a neat freak, but I refuse to spend all my time picking up after my kids, so would definitely not let someone else's get away with it. My boys are only 8 and 7, but whilst there are some jobs I will do for them, they are responsible for ensuring that their bedroom and play room are clear of toys and clothes and that dirty clothes are in the wash basket. At their age, I will change their beds as and when required and obviously do their laundry. They get a tick on their chore chart if both rooms are tidy before bed. They need to get full ticks before they get any pocket money and they can earn more with extra chores.
However, we had my sister, her husband and kids over to stay last weekend and hers get away with murder. Her 10 year old daughter looked at me like I was an alien when I told her to clear up her drawing things from the table before dinner. She walked off and left them and my sister hurried over to clear up for her and i stopped her and told my neice that she had to obey my house rule sna dthat if the table wasn't clear for dinner she wouldn't get any. She did it.
I think you have to keep your own standards and that isn't unfair if everyone has to do the same.
However, we had my sister, her husband and kids over to stay last weekend and hers get away with murder. Her 10 year old daughter looked at me like I was an alien when I told her to clear up her drawing things from the table before dinner. She walked off and left them and my sister hurried over to clear up for her and i stopped her and told my neice that she had to obey my house rule sna dthat if the table wasn't clear for dinner she wouldn't get any. She did it.
I think you have to keep your own standards and that isn't unfair if everyone has to do the same.
haha i agree with velvetee ( as usual)
dont mean to be disrespectful but i doubt u would feel the same if it were your own, i totally see where u are coming from, my partners daughter is 11 and i think things that really annoy me about her dont with my own,
i mean she goes the toilet, doesnt wipe!!!! doesnt flush and doesnt wash her hands, it winds me up something rotton!!!! my daughter always wipes, flushes and washes but if she didnt i very much doubt it would annoy half as much, tho i would constantly remind her to!!
basically my point is, if they arent doing it at home for themselves they arent learning and getting used to doing it so they will just act the same way at yours, they are both still very young, i mean my nephew is 11 and oh my god he has never lifted a finger to tidy anything, despite he mum constantly telling him to! what can i say men!!!
10 is a good age to start learning indepence, tidying up after herself, you could do a rota, where they have to do certain things before they can use the computer etc things like that, make it a rule and encourage them a bit more, dont pick dirty clothes up off the floor, only out of the wash basket, so if they leave them on the floor they dnt get washed and they have no clean clothes, they will soon learn to put them in the wash basket!!!!
well good luck
dont mean to be disrespectful but i doubt u would feel the same if it were your own, i totally see where u are coming from, my partners daughter is 11 and i think things that really annoy me about her dont with my own,
i mean she goes the toilet, doesnt wipe!!!! doesnt flush and doesnt wash her hands, it winds me up something rotton!!!! my daughter always wipes, flushes and washes but if she didnt i very much doubt it would annoy half as much, tho i would constantly remind her to!!
basically my point is, if they arent doing it at home for themselves they arent learning and getting used to doing it so they will just act the same way at yours, they are both still very young, i mean my nephew is 11 and oh my god he has never lifted a finger to tidy anything, despite he mum constantly telling him to! what can i say men!!!
10 is a good age to start learning indepence, tidying up after herself, you could do a rota, where they have to do certain things before they can use the computer etc things like that, make it a rule and encourage them a bit more, dont pick dirty clothes up off the floor, only out of the wash basket, so if they leave them on the floor they dnt get washed and they have no clean clothes, they will soon learn to put them in the wash basket!!!!
well good luck
Hi everyone and thanks for your replies
It is very true that the kids dont have to lift a finger at home, not even Mum does ... to the point that her Mum (Nan) comes round 4 times a week to clean up! My partner said his ex lives in a tip and always has. He was the one cleaning up after everyone when they still lived together.
I did try asking her to put her clothes away the other day evem though she never last time, when she didnt I told her father without her knowing and he ensured he went into the room and saw the mess to comment - hence not looking like Id said anything.
Its not just the bedroom she is lazy in, even when she has been on the laptop she will leave it where she was using it all plugged in and not away ... I even found an empty water bottle thrown on the floor that she had been having. I dont think its a case of she "just doesnt want to" -- she really is that dizzy that it goes in one ear and out the other.
I do have my own little boy who is 16 months old and to be honest even he helps me empty the washing machine and puts his toys away. He will be taught the same over time but as I said, I dont expect them to get the polish and hoover going for me ... just put away what Ive cleaned and ironed for you and I will do the rest.
Watch this space!!!
It is very true that the kids dont have to lift a finger at home, not even Mum does ... to the point that her Mum (Nan) comes round 4 times a week to clean up! My partner said his ex lives in a tip and always has. He was the one cleaning up after everyone when they still lived together.
I did try asking her to put her clothes away the other day evem though she never last time, when she didnt I told her father without her knowing and he ensured he went into the room and saw the mess to comment - hence not looking like Id said anything.
Its not just the bedroom she is lazy in, even when she has been on the laptop she will leave it where she was using it all plugged in and not away ... I even found an empty water bottle thrown on the floor that she had been having. I dont think its a case of she "just doesnt want to" -- she really is that dizzy that it goes in one ear and out the other.
I do have my own little boy who is 16 months old and to be honest even he helps me empty the washing machine and puts his toys away. He will be taught the same over time but as I said, I dont expect them to get the polish and hoover going for me ... just put away what Ive cleaned and ironed for you and I will do the rest.
Watch this space!!!
i would advise doing what my mother did to me when i was alot younger. it is really back to basics but worked, if she doesnt do something or refuses to take something she loves playing with away until she can get it right or listens to what you are saying
it does work as bad as it makes you feel it does work, stop internet access t.v toys unitl she gets it right she will soon learn.
or you could take the best friends approach - sit down and talk with her i know she is young, but young minds are easy to mould, that is your house your the boss and she needs to learn to respect what it is you want her to do.
the other thing you could do is a rewards scheme when she does it reward her for it. might be an idea to make her feel closer to you, that way she is more likely to do what you want her to do, spend some time alone together doing girlie things
She may just suprise you x
it does work as bad as it makes you feel it does work, stop internet access t.v toys unitl she gets it right she will soon learn.
or you could take the best friends approach - sit down and talk with her i know she is young, but young minds are easy to mould, that is your house your the boss and she needs to learn to respect what it is you want her to do.
the other thing you could do is a rewards scheme when she does it reward her for it. might be an idea to make her feel closer to you, that way she is more likely to do what you want her to do, spend some time alone together doing girlie things
She may just suprise you x
well with a 16 month old aswell im not suprised! you must be tired cleaning up after everyone! aww bless! defo do a rota for them! sounds old fashioned i know but if they could keep tidy while they are there its one less thing for you to do, i remember when my daughter was approaching 2, ( the terrible twos) i worked aswell and i found it hard to keep the place tidy and there were just 3 of us!
It will be difficult TGM, I suppose it's not the fault of the children, if that is how they are being raised and haven't been taught any kind of responsibility for doing anything. (Those kids actually sound like my Fiance, he throws empty water bottles on the floor too, not to mention the coke cans)
Maybe you will just have to grin and bear it when they come. My mother has a saying "you have to bend the bough when it's young". It's probably too late to change their habits. You might just have to insist their father follow them around with a dustbin bag, laundry basket and vacuum cleaner.
Maybe you will just have to grin and bear it when they come. My mother has a saying "you have to bend the bough when it's young". It's probably too late to change their habits. You might just have to insist their father follow them around with a dustbin bag, laundry basket and vacuum cleaner.
I think Im still a bit hesitant of trying to tell them what to do. I know they like me as my partner said the other day that his daughter wanted to get me a Mothers Day card this year!! How bad did that make me feel. She does say "can I help you with anything" at times but when she said that the other day I took the opportunity re the clothes and handed them over.
I know they are only here for two days (most of the time) and Im a little apprehensive about "going on about it" to my partner incase he takes it as a negative towards them. It was only that he saw the state of the room a few weeks back when Id left it for him to view when he got home that he said "thats unacceptable".
Anyway, I will battle on and brave a few nice words. Im new to this parenting and always thought Id learn as my children grew ...... now I have had to jump straight into the deep end with my partners kids! ARGGGHHHH!
I know they are only here for two days (most of the time) and Im a little apprehensive about "going on about it" to my partner incase he takes it as a negative towards them. It was only that he saw the state of the room a few weeks back when Id left it for him to view when he got home that he said "thats unacceptable".
Anyway, I will battle on and brave a few nice words. Im new to this parenting and always thought Id learn as my children grew ...... now I have had to jump straight into the deep end with my partners kids! ARGGGHHHH!
What you have to remember here is this child doesnt see these things happening at home and has been brought up for the last ten years doing only what she has been told....nothing!
Maybe you should show her how to hang the clothes up and do them together, till she gets the hang of it, also get a bin for the bedroom, and if any rubbish is lying around ask her to put it in the bin.
You have to remember that its not her fault, I actually feel quite sorry for them having a mother like what they have got, its a shame, and its good that you want to install these things into them..best of luck
Maybe you should show her how to hang the clothes up and do them together, till she gets the hang of it, also get a bin for the bedroom, and if any rubbish is lying around ask her to put it in the bin.
You have to remember that its not her fault, I actually feel quite sorry for them having a mother like what they have got, its a shame, and its good that you want to install these things into them..best of luck
Thanks Lil75 - I sometimes think Im turning into a "Monica" off friends but Id expect the same kind of consideration from anyone that stayed here!
Ive just sent my partner off to golf loaded with two carrier bags full of their clothes - told him when they start cleaning up after themselves then normal service with resume with me!
Let see what the house is like tomorrow --- oh I dont hold my breath
Ive just sent my partner off to golf loaded with two carrier bags full of their clothes - told him when they start cleaning up after themselves then normal service with resume with me!
Let see what the house is like tomorrow --- oh I dont hold my breath
Well the subject was tackled in a diplomatic way yesterday. I was cleaning around upstairs when my step daughter came up and started to play with my son. My son had his little brush that he loves to play with so I directed my instructions to her threw him!! Told my son to go and help her clean up in the room .... asking her to pull her bed covers over and put any clothes on the floor either into the laundry or hang them up!! I would then pop in with the hoover to give the floor the once over. Seemed to have worked as this morning she put her clothes into the laundry basket!
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