Difficulty in making the break

[cameliaheartfelt]

I posted earlier on in the year and now things are once again coming to a head. I no longer wish to stay friends with a couple that we know from living elsewhere 3 years ago, who I have discovered that the woman has talked about us behind our back. We have met up twice and stayed at theirs twice and they came to us once but I think she was being nosey and wanted to see our new place.
I have got to the stage where I don't want this negativity in my life and they are just reminders too of bad times. I have made excuses even going as far as saying my husband is working in Germany and I am out there with him. I've given the odd brief update and feel now that I can't keep up with this story anymore as it's becoming unrealistic. The weeks have gone into months and now they are emailing asking about how we are doing and not saying that they would 'like' to see us but instead saying they 'want' to see us when we are back like a demand. Other friends from where we lived before are in touch now and again too, so it will be all or nothing once making the break, we will be the talk of the month possibly and things will come out that we tried to keep private . I obviously don't like being talked about, she does it with others, tries to get you into slagging off people and when you see them, it's like being interviewed. I hate it.They want to know all your news and when you start talking about them, she once said, no, no let's not talk about that, let's talk about you first like in an interview.
Some previous ideas from Abers were to break off contact but it's difficult when there is email and texts and mobiles that can reach you anywhere. We can change landline numbers but mobile numbers are more difficult particularly for my husband who needs his phone for work. You also cannot change a work's number and they know where my husband works anyway.They are the kind to come knocking on the door and asking neighbours, that would be good when they say, Germany, what you talking about?
I know I've made things worse but I'm not going to be direct with them because that may open up a big can of worms with others that we know and maybe some day, we may want to know them again, I doubt it but I don't want animosity. How can I say we are busy when they will just turn up or invite themselves, I'm dreading it. They will ask what dates we are free too! I just want to be left alone and get on with our new life.
As Christmas approaches too, I feel I don't want to send any xmas cards to this group of 'friends' which may be seen as an oversight the first time but also we always remember birthdays and theirs are in January. I often enclose their cards inside the xmas card but we have a birthday in February so she will be wanting to know where to send the card if there is silence. So, any ideas on how to avoid seeing them and breaking it off as they are sort of 'demanding' to see us? I know I have made a rod for my own back but I hate confrontation and hurting people's feelings and also I don't want our past to be raked up though I suppose we won't be around to hear or see the fallout. My husband is very supportive of this by the way, and just wants me to be happy. I have only really kept friends with them because my husband really likes hers. I wish I had never given out our new address when we moved but they knew where my husband worked anyway. I am starting to feel very stressed and anxious about this the more time goes on now and I feel like running away.

[cameliaheartfelt]

I know, it's just that I have to ignore other people, connections too and that's going to be hard. They are good, lovely people but it's all just bad reminders of very bad times. When no one hears from us, then that's when they will come a knocking and ringing no doubt and yes we will no doubt be talked about but won't be there to hear it. Maybe 'our secret' may never come out as they think they will one day see us again. It is really a tough decision to forego them in our lives knowing we will never see the nice ones again but it's a chapter I just want closed.

[Smowball]

Well just change your numbers and be strong. If I didnt get a reply to txts and emails etc for a while then I would just give up.

[naomi24]

The problem here seems to be that you don't want to upset them, but if they're making you unhappy and you don't want them in your life, you have to make that plain to them, and that is going to upset them, so acknowledge that and do it. If you want to make a break, make it. You have to be tough. Cut all ties. Always be busy, no birthday and Christmas cards. Difficult, I know, but if you are determined, they'll get the message.

[cameliaheartfelt]

I think my main worry is that if I upset them, say anything to hurt them then they will go off and talk to others we know, then they could side with this couple and our 'secret' could then be aired. However, I do not want to carry on being nice to them to keep them from gossiping about us, they do that anyway I suppose!

[andy-hughes]

You need to proceed as I have suggested, and slowly the contact will die off as they get the message.

If not sending cards wil stress you, then send them, but don't put any message in, just sign.

After Christmas, as your contact diminishes, they may talk about you. This is an issue over which yoou have no control, and you should always dismiss anything you cannot affect, because stress in that area is futile and damaging.

If, and it is a big if, what ever information they have affects you in the future, simply tell whom ever brings the issue to you that your ex-friends are mistaken. After all, it's your word against theirs, there is no reason why they should be believed or seen as the sole version of events.

i think once you start withdrawing, the stress you are experiencing will start to diminish, but this is a valuable life lesson. You are in control of your friendships, you don;t have to accept anyone as a friend if you don't wish to - it rather contradicts the concept.

[naomi24]

They've already talked about you, so maintaining the friendship isn't going to cure them. They weren't friends in the first place because real friends don't do that to each other.

[cameliaheartfelt]

Yes, I think I will send xmas cards this time and put in their Jan birthday cards then after that let it all diminish, they are the type though I'm sure to turn up on the doorstep if they hear nothing especially as they have a second home 1 1/2 hours away. If our 'secret' comes out, there will be evidence as I emailed one or two people ages ago now, I think they've changed their email providers now but maybe they can still look back at their old emails. I really do wish I was brave enough to not send anything from now on though on reflection as it means sending them to everyone and covering 4 January birthdays then this couple will I am sure start ringing and trying to make contact to meet up.

[sherrardk]

I can't understand why you are so worried if they start talking about your secret. You both know about it (its not like you have a secret and your husband doesn't know about it or vice versa). How could them gossiping about you when they live so far away have any effect on your present lives?

[cameliaheartfelt]

Well, 2 xmas cards have arrived, one from Oz and the other from the ones I really don't like and who backstab. She had the cheek to write, to so and so, in brackets, wherever you are, blah blah, then at the end, time you were in touch oh elusive ones. we miss you.
Mmmm, so keeping quiet up to now has made them wonder where we are and what we are up to obviously, it annoys me how pushy she is, don't you think?trying to 'push' us get in touch. It really makes me feel like I want to do the opposite now! But I do still think on reflection, xmas cards to all, birthday cards in with xmas cards for jan then that's it. I've got one thing I've got to collect from one of them who comes over from Geneva now and again so will definitely have to maintain some kind of tenuous link there which is a shame but it's something I have to have back.

[xstitcher]

I had to dump an email friend 2 years ago…..reason….her negativity and black thinking. My husband had just died and that was the last thing I needed in my life. I can promise you the relief I felt after coming out with it to her and ending her daily doses of toxic mails was marvellous and I think that you will also feel this.