My Mum Brings Things Up From The Past

[Treacle71]

I'm 51 and she's a young 79 year old. I've decided to start counselling to work on my poor self image/low self confidence. I told mum this and she said,"Do you know (a neighbour) has more confidence in her little finger than you have altogether". Mum also says no one will ever want to be my friend. She also reminded when I was 8 years of age and I stole a small kids pencil (the worst thing I've done all my life) and how "I've always been a nasty thing", when all I was a shy child. I wondered your thoughts please? She also says, "You can't even answer the door without having a panic attack". I feel so miserable. I can't do/say anything right. I agree I am quite a recluse, but I'm also just a plain and simple home-bird. Why keep bringing things up from 40 plus years ago? She says, "My chronic acid reflux is all your fault".

[-SharonA-]

Do you have to live with your mother? If you are her carer, arrange for some time out of her company to get yourself some time with your counselling.

[wolf63]

You have said before that you live with your mum. Is there no way that you can move out? Things are not going to change and she will make you miserable.

I left home as soon as I could afford to, living with my mum would have been hell.

She sounds like a sad , nasty old woman who is not going to change.

[Buenchico]

^^^ I'm in total agreement with Wolf63!

[gness]

It's hard for me to tell someone I don't know what to do but easy to say what I would do.
I'd book into a hotel without telling her. Give her three or four days on her own then I'd breeze in and any questions would be met with a wink and knowing but not telling smile.

[chanel5]

First, well done for accepting that you might need help with your self confidence, and more importantly, for going out and getting that help in the form of counselling.
This will hopefully build your sense of self worth, but you must not let your mother undo all the positive gains that you will make through your counselling.
As Sharon and Wolf have said, you need to get as much time away from your mother as you possibly can. She is a toxic influence on your self image, and she is unlikely to change. Somehow, I think, she feels more powerful, more in control, when she is able to make you feel small and worthless.
Don't let her do this.
If you can, move out of the house and try to find more independence and autonomy.
That, together with your counselling, will build your self esteem and you will find that you are better able to stand up to your mother's criticism.

[Mozz71]

It has to be said that your self image may improve if you put some distance between yourself and the negativity your mother hurls at you.

It's time to live your life on your terms, not hers.

[richtee]

Hi Treacle71,
As said, your mother is not the best influence on your life- she is what she is and is unable to change. If you are her carer, time away from her will not be easy, but try the best you can to build a bit of a life without her- a shy home- bird sound quite a nice person to me, so cheer up and try to love who you are xx

[Smowball]

Treacle, you sound a very lovely, quiet person who lives with a nasty, spiteful mother, who seems to get pleasure in making you miserable with her mean comments, as that’s the only pleasure she gets. Don’t let her win! As has been asked above - can you not move out and live elsewhere, even if it’s just renting a room somewhere. Youve started your counselling which is a brilliant step. I don’t know if you work or not but if you do then hopefully you will have enough funds to move out - even if it’s just to a single room as I suggested. Good luck and please keep us updated.

[jennyjoan]

Your mum is playing you to the gallery. Playing with your emotions and you being tied to her and (she thinks) - you will never leave her.

My mum did the same thing when I was about 29 years old - she was in bed due to a fall.

I left her spotless - all her orders beside her bed, and cleaned the house from top to bottom after working all week from 8-6pm. Then I went out with my friend for two hours.

My cousin called in to where I was and told me mum was "performing". This wouldn't have been the first time so I just lost it I came in pulled the suitcase down - filled it with some clothes and went to my friends for 4 days.

Jesus - all the rest of the family was summoned as why did Jenny run away from home at the age of 30. But I came home - house was like a pig sty due to brother (probably sh*tting himself) in being left alone with her. She deserves a little fright.

[andres]

You have already taken the first step towards dealing with this problem by starting counselling. I hope that it goes well . Let us know in a few weeks time.

[Maydup]

Counselling is a good move. Do you feel trapped living as you do? Unable to move out for practical and emotional reasons?

[Treacle71]

Wow.....thank you guys so much already

[cashier]

I hope you mention to your counsellor about all the mental and emotional abuse you have had from your mother since you were small. Has she ever said anything nice to you?

[naomi24]

Yep.

[naomi24]

Sorry, wrong thread.

[Meaghan27]

Your mum needs a wakeup call. Take yourself off for a few nights holiday and see how nice she becomes when you return. It won't last though. Also, I would leave a few care home brochures where she can find them, get her on the back foot.

[Canary42]

Having just turned 80 myself, it is not unusual to dwell a bit excessively on one's earlier life. It's a shame that in your mother's case it engenders so much negativity. You could ask her to recall more pleasant episodes from your youth - but this is a bit high-risk of course given her negativity.

Lighthearted P.S. Did she make you give the pencil back, if not she's an accessory after the crime LOL.

[Treacle71]

I just want to thank so much of you for your time and effort to help me. Unfortunately I have to choose one answer as my 'best', but of course there are so many on here as 'best'. I will read and keep reading over your replies to help in the future. xx