dead or alive???

[what..the?]

I lost someone very close to me 3 months ago...my brother he was 28 and I'm 25. Alot of the time I still think he is alive and well and nothing has changed. I think my mind and memory is trying its best to cope by making me believe what I want to believe. It's hard to explain as while I know he is no longer here, and it has had a huge effect on the way the family is now, and alot has changed, I still think everythings how it used to be, nothing has changed and he is still here and happy.

I worry if it is good to think this way or not, I am I not properly coming to terms with what has happened?? Am I going to have some break down when it all hit's home. I have gone through I lot of upset over the loss and I feel that there cannot be much more to come to terms with.

Any thoughts, has anyone else had the same problem losing someone very close to them?

[raysparx1]

Firstly may I say that is very sad to lose somebody so close,I think what you are going through is perfectly normal,your life will never be the same,how can it, but it will get better,as for thinking somebody is still with you is how it is,the realisation takes a long time to register, after my mum died even after a year or so, I would sometimes think ,oh mum would like that, then it would hit me again that she is not here,I think we wish it was how it used to be,but it never will be,these feelings will pass,and sometimes you might feel guilty at laughing at something,but again the distance between these guilt feelings gets longer,but it will take time, so don't worry you are perfectly normal, all I can say is even after a year or more if you want to cry,then cry,just don't bottle it up,good luck, Ray

[luna-tic]

Hello what..the?, There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do.Your memories remain strong and it is at first very difficult to come to terms with the loss but in time the connection moves away but the past of good times spent with your brother will always be there to draw upon.I know this may sound silly but I believe the love for anyone,family or not is like a huge elastic band connecting people together and when someone passes away that joining life line starts to pull away but because the belief of that persons presence and the feelings are so powerful it keeps pulling them back to you. Grieving is different for everyone and it can take a while for the heart to heal.What you are going through at the moment is part of that. I sincerely hope everything works out for you in the future and wish you and your family well.

[Pippa68]

When my grandfather dies I was devastated ~ I went through a very bad time as he had basically brought me up..it felt more like my father had died.

My bad time only lasted a couple of weeks. I didn't get out of bed and wept so much I was totally drained. However, I did go through the same thing as you in that after my initial grieving I seemed to behave as if he were still alive...in fact I still chat to him every now & then and think about him a lot.

Everyone has their own way of getting through the death of a loved one ~ and I think whatever gets you through is ok! it is hard to say whether you will have a break down later on..it does happen, but that's not to say it will happen to you. You are coping in the best way possible for you, but will say that if you find it difficult don't be afraid to investigate bereavement counselling. Again, this works for some but not all and exploring every avenue can only be a good thing.

Best wishes to you...time is a good healer xx

[domidoodles]

Hi what ..the.
Sorry to hear your situation - the loss of a brother or sister must be a really tough experience to deal with -.
When bad things happens to us, we all have our ways of dealing with them. You are no different and at the moment, would appear to still be in the denial stage of grieving.
There is no time limit to how long these different stages will last, so don't beat yourself up over the way that you are feeling.
As Ray rightly states, don't bottle things up as this may cause you more angst - particularly at a later time. If you really feel that you are struggling to talk or to cope with your feelings, see your gp and identify if there are any bereavement counsellors in your area.
These people are trained to identify and help you work through the different parts of the grieving process.
Everyone is different - and there is no wrong or right way to deal with your emotions.
Time will help to heal and 3 months is still a relatively short time. Don't be afraid to ask for help if you feel you need it.
I hope that the pain lessens for you soon. Best wishes x

[Octavius]

Everyone is different. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and there's no telling how long it may take. Yes it is true that some people do have a delayed bereavement reaction, symptomatic of shock where for a brief or extended period there is a sense of euphoria followed by a bout of heavy grief. Sometimes, we are told that this can take months or years to occur. It can happen to any of us, but that is not how everyone will react, or indeed cope with the loss of a loved one. And that may not happen to you. People cope in different ways. Often people who react the way you are might have an underlying sense of guilt because we feel that we should react in a certain way. Life isn�t like that. Other emotions experienced include anger and confusion.

I am sorry to hear of your loss, but don�t feel that you should be reacting in a prescribed way. Just continue to enjoy those memories. The thing I found about bereavement is that you never really get over the loss. You never forget, you just deal with your feelings in your own individual way. Even after many years I still cry occasionally for the person I lost. But looking back at the fond memories makes time the greatest healer and as Ray said, never feel you need to bottle things up if the mood takes you.

[what..the?]

Thank you all for such supportive answers, they are very heart felt, I am so warm inside now.

I have always found it difficult to talk about my feelings and will chose to always cry alone and then hide the fact, which does result in me bottling alot up.

I did cry alot at the time but I did try and control it, the morning I heard the 'bad news' I just went straight in to work as I thought it would take my mind off it, when I think really I should have sat down, prayed and thought things through more, but I don't know for sure, how can I.

I think alot people do go through different circumstances after a death. I had a direct family member take their anger out on me and tell me I did love my brother, I did not visit him and I avoided him, all of which is completely untrue as I was always there visiting and showing my support, I was so upset I had to leave the famliy home and catch the train back home in tears. I understand that the person was upset at the loss and took it out on me, but when other family members turned up they lied to them to cover their back and said I had started I arguement and had been shouting, saying hurtful things, all completely untrue. before the funeral hardly anyone could be bothered to call me and in talking with two family members they seemed to believe I was in the wrong and had started an argument. I could not attend the funeral due to this and can not go back in the family home since due the the bad memory of that day. Most the family have not bothered to contact me since the funeral.

[what..the?]

Also my brother died as a result of NHS mistakes, a catalogue of them over a year one major life changing one was he got an infection in their care that was so bad they had to remove one of his eyes. He could move his legs, go to the toliet and most the time he was in pain after a year he died in pain of blood poisioning which linked back to all the mistakes they made with his care.

I feel for these too reasons I am finding to difficult to cope, one the upset the a family member can be so hurtful and cover their back which left me with no family member to talk too and meant I could attend the funeral. And secondly I feel that I have some how let my brother down in a way letting the NHS so many mistakes. He was let down by the NHS but I feel some how responsible for what happened. We kept telling people in management when his care got so bad in hospital he would die if it was not changed/improve such as nurses giving wrong doses or administrating it wrongly. I feel it wrong that so many people can make so many mistakes and when the person dies and just sweep it under the carpet no sorry nothing! I feel often that I show shout out about what happened so it will not happen again to someone else but my parents are religous and say it is wrong to take action???