Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
Film, Media & TV0 min ago
Know any good jokes?
42 Answers
I have just realised I have accidently written a 250 word essay with the caps lock on when it should have been off so I have had to do it all again. Does anyone know any good jokes to cheer me up?I didn't know which category to put this question into.
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A leprechaun was playing a piano in a pub. A customer remarked that he was good and the barman replied "He's OK, but it's all a mistake". The customer asked what mistake could make such an accomplished piano player. The barman replied "My fairy godmother is a bit deaf, and she sent me this ten inch pianist".
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A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things......
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate and I have a very bad attitude.
Now, think about it seriously mister, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks about it for a few seconds, then shakes his head and says: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
(Copied & pasted so hope it's ok)
A bunch of smarties go out for a drink one night. As they walk into the pub, they see a jelly baby sat in the corner by himself, crying. The smarties go over to see what's wrong. "What's up, mate?" one of the smarties asks. "I'm just sick of it" says the jelly baby, "every time i go out i always end up getting beaten up. Everyone makes fun of me because i'm soft and wobbly on the inside, and someone always tries to fight with me."
"Don't worry" say the smarties "we've got a hard shell, we can look after ourselves. Com eout with us and we'll look after you. We won't let anyone pick on you, we promise"
The jelly baby's face lights up. He agrees to go with the smarties to a club, safe in the knowledge he's got protection.
At the club, the smarties are all on the dancefloor with the jelly baby, having a great time drinking Tizer and chatting up the Love Hearts. Then all of a sudden, the music stops and the whole club falls silent... the doors swing open and in walk a group of Lockets. In an instant, the dancefloor clears...the smarties have all scarpered and the jelly baby's left all alone in the middle of the dancefloor.
"Hahaha, look at soft body over there!" shouts a Locket. "Let's get him!....." With that, all the Lockets go storming onto the dancefloor and beat the living daylights out of the poor jelly baby.
After the Lockets have left, the smarties come out of hiding and rush over to puddle of goo on the dancefloor that is the jelly baby... mustering the last reserves of energy from his little jelly body, the jelly baby says "what happened to you guys? I thought you were going to look after me? LOOK AT ME...I'M PULPED!"
The smarties look at each other with guilt, until finally one of them says, "We we're looking after you, we didn't want to leave you there, but they were Lockets, man..."
"...they're f*****g MENTHOL!!!"
;o)
A littl eold lady takes her pet duck into the vet's. The vet takes one look at it and says, "I'm sorry, Mrs.Evans but your duck is clearly dead."
Horrified, the old dear demands a second opinion. "That's really not necessary, Mrs.Evans" says the vet, "i've been a vetinary surgeon for over 20 years, and I know a dead duck when i see one". Nevertheless, the old lady insists on a second opinion. "Very well", says the vet reluctantly...he goes to the intercom and buzzes the receptionist, "Daisy, could you please send Bumble in?"
The door opens and in walks a black cat. It jumps up onto the examination table and carefully examines the duck from head to foot, and back again. It looks at the vet and shakes it's head, then jumps down again and leaves. "I can now say for definite that your duck is deceased" says the vet. But the old lady still isn't happy and wants a third opinion. Sighing, the vet gets back onto the intercom, "Daisy, can you now please send in Horace?"
The door opens and in walks a chocolate labrador. It too jumps up onto the table, looks the duck up and down in great detail and then looks at the vet, shaking it's head. "I can now indisputably say, beyond any shadow of a doubt, absolutely and definitely, that you duck is dead, Mrs.Evans" says the vet.
Finally, the little old lady is satisfied and accepts the fact that her beloved duck is no more. "Now", says the vet, "that will be �300 please. Just pay Daisy on your way out."
"�300!?!?!" says the old lady in disgust. "How on earth can you charge me �300 for telling me my duck's dead???"
"Well," says the vet, "if you'd have taken my word for it in the first place we would have been looking at �20...but what with the cat scan and the lab report, it all adds up!"
