Feeling a bit lost

[climber_chick]

I am 25 and my o/h is 13 years older. He already has a 10 year old daughter, which still after 2 years I struggle with at times. More than anything I would love to get married and have our own child and he's said he definitely wants more children and may come around to the idea of marriage, but not yet. I feel at a loss as to what to do.
I guess I feel a little bitter that his ex pestered him for a child and eventually he gave in, only to be left a few months later. It seems that she may have scared him off having children which is why he's putting it off. I don't know, I may be wrong. And perhaps I will never accept the fact he has a child? I love him so much but then every now and then I think about leaving just because i can't deal with the whole step daughter scenario.
I just don't seem to be able to get my head round my feelings about any of it. Anyone been in a similar situation or can anyone offer me any advice?

[ummmm]

Advice...get used to it or leave. It's not the childs fault.

[tanny22]

you say you cant deal with the step daughter scenario,then here is my advice move on,and the sooner the better.

[China Doll]

You own child will be the half sister or brother to his current child so I suggest you start forming a relationship with the child he already has as you will need to nurture the sister/brother relationship of any children you may have in the future. Besides, if you had a good bond with the current child, you may actually find you become less bitter about the situation. As ummmm said. s'not the kids fault.

Have a serious talk to him about marriage and children and perhaps agree soem sort of timeline but be prepared to think what you'll do if he really wants neither of these things. THey can be deal breakers in relationships if there are strong opinions on either side with no room for negotiation.

[andy-hughes]

As a step-parent, I sympathise.

If you have problems with your step-daughter because she plays you off against her dad - don't worry, ALL kids do that, with natural parents as well (I have a daughter with my wife as well as her two children from her first marriage) - but it feels worse as a step-parent.

If this is an issue - talk to him. You need to produce a united front to her - ensure that you back each other - even if you think the other is wrong (and he will get it wrong too!)

Back that up with a lot of patience and love. It's tricky for a girl this age to be in this situation.

Do NOT try to be her friend - it won't work, and she will not respect you.

Make sure that she knows you and her dad love each other - and her - and that you are all a family together, which includes everyone being nice to each other.

Try and have some one-to-one time with her - p[ics or even just a DVD. Don't force the conversation, but let her know she can chat to you - occasional chatter revreals something deeper, that's the way children work.

It's not easy, but if you are patient while she tries out the boundaries, she will eventually accept you. You are not her mum, and neither of you are going to pretend that you are, but you are her dad's partner, and she needs to accept that - and you.

Finally - make sure he agrees with his ex that none of you will ever fight over this child - again she will play you all off - so make it a rule not to make her a weapon between you.

Complicated isn't it? But worth it in the end, I promise.

If you need some more advise, do post again - lots of wise heads on here!

[milly143]

I can give you the standard AB template for your question, "you're with the wrong person. Leave him".

That's not neccessarily my opinion, it'st just what most other people will tell you on here.

[China Doll]

Andy - I didn't get the sense that the child was playing anyone off against anyone, it seems just to be the poster resenting the fact taht her partner has a child and they don't (as a couple) yet.

[climber_chick]

Thanks all. Andy, I think this is half the problem. Being a step parent is so hard, and if she does anything wrong or that I don't agree with, my o/h gets angry with me. It's almost as if he doesn't like to hear a bad word against her. I find it harder because when she's with us she doesn't sleep til the early hours and she's nearly always got an upset stomach. It's hard work! Thanks for your words of encouragement!

[karenmac60]

What is it you struggle with? His relationship with his daughter? The fact that he had a child with someone else? Is it a personality clash with you and the girl? You don't have to be a mother to her - she already has one of those. Just try being her friend, remember how you felt when you were that age and have a little empathy for her. You are missing out on so much cos you could have a great relationship with her if you put the effort in - and it is up to you to make the effort, you're the adult here. If you cannot do that then you should leave. If your partner doesn't see you as someone who can deal with children then he is highly unlikely to agree to have any with you. If you can build on your relationship with his daughter and he can see how great you are with kids then he will realise that you would make an excellent mother. Any time you snub or shun his daughter will be very hurtful to him - worse than if you shunned him. She is a part of him and if you cannot deal with that then you should move on.

[Sqad]

A step child? get used to it, its the price that you pay for "loving " him.

Why get married?

[jaydah]

dump him & his baggage - life's to short to wait.

[andy-hughes]

Aaah, now we are getting to it.

Of course it's hard for a dad to hear someone disciplining his daughter - ewspecially if he doesn't agree with your stance at the time.

But he has to get over that if you are going to have a life together, and he has to back you, as hard as that is for him.

You nmust discuss this and make sure he understands that this is how it has to be - and if he can't, you need to think about moving on, because this will drive a wedge between you.

It does get easier - children are adaptable, and if he sees you balance the ocasioanl discipline issue with lots of love and affection, he sould get used to the idea quicker.

Remember - he would have exactly the same issues with his wife, because this is what children do - so the response is the same.

You need to get this sorted before you even think aboout having a child together.

[jaydah]

if you wanted a child ten years ago you'd have had one, so why take on someone elses ?

Out - damned spot, I prithee begone from me (where did that come from) :/

[karenmac60]

I have to disagree with you Andy. I have a daughter and am remarried. Any form of discipline is entirely down to me. My daughter has a father and my husband would never dream of trying to fill that role. My daughter respects my husband and has never given us any problems - except just after we got married and she got very upset at the thought he might start to boss her around. He has never done that and they are both good pals, but if she wants anything or has done anything wrong I am the one who deals with it. She is my daughter and her upbringing is my responsibility. This way she cannot play us off against one another and we don't disagree on issues surrounding her. At the moment she is a teenager and a very well behaved one at that and after 6 years of this arrangement we are all perfectly happy and get along very nicely. She never chose to have my husband there and that is something a lot of parents forget about when starting new relationships.

[China Doll]

Macbeth I think.

[milly143]

Jaydah - she was 15 ten years ago. I think she chose well not having a child then. It seems you're saying any single parent should stay single. Just because you wouldn't be willing to accept someone elses child in your life it doesn't mean it's wrong.

[andy-hughes]

Interesting points karenmac60 - and I bow to your personal experience as the biological parent.

Your arrangement has obviously worked for you, but i think it does depend on the nature of the child involved.

Our eldest daughter was a real handful, and if she thought for one minute that I was not an equal partner in discipline, she would have led me a dog's life! We had to establish ourselves as equal parents - although that was easier because the girls' biologicval dad had no input and disappeared pretty quickly after the separation.

i think it has to be handled on an individual basis - but my experience is obviously different from yours - we will have to agree to differ on this one - but it's food for thought for climber_chick - which is all we can offer without knowing anyone inbolved.

[ummmm]

My OH has taken on my three kids...Well two as the eldest is not at home anymore. They have a great relationship...

[karenmac60]

Very true Andy :)

[joggerjayne]

Do you really love him?

Do you really want to be with him?

Life never seems to be perfect ... things always go t!ts up, even if you are St. Wayne Rooney, or HRH Cheryl Cole.

There will always be down sides to almost any relationship.

My OH lives 500 miles away, for goodness sake.

But ... IF (!) you really love him, and want to be with him, then look at the bigger picture.

In 8 years time, his daughter will be grown up, and probably move away.

You are very young to be worrying about "children or not".

If you love him ... nothing else matters too much.

[jaydah]

its great for mums to keep they're kids in a new home but not so great for step-mums. Chick wants a babe but has to content herself with another's 10y old, born when chick was 15 - that aint fair.

Let the child stay with its mum then your relationship has a chance.