Care Home Instructions

[sunny-dave]

After all the ghastly stories we've seen recently, I'm thinking of writing a few brief notes for any care home owners who wind up with me in their establishment ...

1. I don't function without A Pint of Strong Tea when I wake up, and then you need to feed me very soon after - waiting too long for my weatyflakybix will result in us falling out (and, probably, in me falling over).

2. "Does Not Play Well With Others" - specifically, attempts to get me to play Bingo or anything similar will not end well.

3. My target for 'green crap' is 5 a week - at best - just stop with the '10 a day' nonsense and we'll be fine.

4. I cannot "sit up in bed" - my back will not put up with it for more than a few seconds - let me lie down or get me into a chair. Your Physiotherapy bill will escalate if you ignore this.

5. When you need me to shut up, find some cricket for me to watch - red wine helps too.

There are probably more ...

... but what are yours?

sunny (but with occasional thoughts of impending mortality) dave xx

[emmie]

don't know really, having seen my mum in a nursing home can't say i fancy it at all.

[Neveracrossword]

Do not - ever, under any circumstances - attempt to help me with my crossword.

[sunny-dave]

Nor do I emmie - but if I'm paying the bill (which inevitably I will be), then they can darn well do what I want/need for my £1000 a week

[gness]

Have you read the horrid snapchat story too, Dave?......

I'm hoping I never end up being cared for but if I am the children will deal with anyone who films me crawling on the floor after a fall instead of helping me up......

And they have been told to choose a home with G on draught..... :-)

[sunny-dave]

I've heard of it, gness - but can't bear to actually look - the blood-pressure hike is not something I need :(

[gness]

The film wasn't shown, Dave thank goodness......the indignity the poor lady must have suffered.....and her family...knowing it had been posted on social media....x

[anneasquith]

Do not resuscitate.!!

[albaqwerty]

I hate hearing of horror stories, I just hope they are rare and it's the rare ones we rightly get to hear about.

My requirements would be :

1 - internet access

2 - a supply of grapes and or jelly babies

3 - a few glasses of cider

4 - kedgeree, decently made at least once a week

5 - I'll get back to you on the rest :-)

[gness]

You, Anne...........or Dave?.... ;-)

[mccfluff]

just kill me (but after lots of red wine and choc)

[anneasquith]

Me :-)

[sunny-dave]

Phew :-)

But DNR for me too

[pixie374]

My friends and I plan to move into the same one on the same day... My only request so far is daily chocolate.

[Tilly2]

Don't plonk me in a chair in and leave me there to wet myself (or worse).

[Jackdaw33]

Don't send for the undertakers until I am dead.
(This happened to me 3 years ago when I was in respite care after an operation)

[albaqwerty]

blurdy heck Jack !! (((hugs))) x

[Jackdaw33]

To be fair they had come for someone else but had been misdirected to my room by a temporary member of staff. You should have seen their faces when I rose from my bed and asked if I could be of any assistance.

[rowanwitch]

A) does not drink *** coffee, weak coffee, milky coffee do not offer anything made from freeze dried powder.
B)I am not your dear, pet, sweetheart or other similar forms of address. I will retaliate by calling offenders something far far worse.
C) I am not getting ready for bed at teatime even if it is more convenient for the night shift
D) my roots need doing monthly
E) I will not play bingo, get involved in art therapy, or sit watching soap operas with a load of zombies. And playing card games for buttons ... I don't think so
F) my laundry will be kept separate and if I find another resident wearing an item of my clothing I will kill to retrieve it.

[sunny-dave]

Round of applause for Rowan - I agree with most of that 100% - except my roots are long since beyond 'doing' :)