boyfreinds daughter ruining relationship

[emk1981]

my boyfreind of 7 months has full custody of his 7year old daughter.  for the past 5 months, she has been displaying jealousy and animosity towards me.  whenever her dad and i are together, whether its a quick kiss or just sitting together, she will either get between us or lash out and say things like "u love her more than me".  while i understand that she looks at me as the 'other woman', its begun to get on my nerves.  all my boyfreind does is tell her to knock it off or he ignores it.  she is disrespectful towards me, doesnt listen to me at all (even if i ask her to pick up her toys) and she makes faces at me and stuff.  but then, 5 minutes later, she is asking me to play with her.  she also climbs into the bed at night in between us.  if we wake up to her coming in, he takes her out, but if we dont, we find her there in the morning.  3 times iv gone to have an intimate time with him, only find that she is under the covers at the end of the bed sleeping.

im fed up with this.  this child will never let her dad have a relationship.  im beginning to think of leaving him because of her, which sucks because i love him so much.  but i cannot stand it when he and i are close that i get yelled at and degraded by a kid.  amkes me not like her at all.

what do i do?

[conkarin]

Jesus just wait on the amount of replies to this.. Number one she is a child and you are the adult.  It seems to me that the kid needs some one to one time with her dad to build a solid relationship.  The dad needs to let the kid know at all times that he loves her and she is the most important person in his life.  It has only been 7 mths since you have met this kid, it takes time..  The kid obviously has assurance issues and needs constant reassurance and physical contact from her father.  My humble advice would be for you to back of for a while, go round and see her dad when the kid is in bed, seems to me the kid has got too much on its plate at the moment to take on you.   

[flump1]

Hello emk1981 Its a sad tale of woe you have  but I have to agree with conkarin. For whatever reason the child is without her mother and she may feel she is about to lose her father's love and attention too. Children ( and some adults) behave in an aggresive manner when they feel threatened or even afraid of change. Can you spend some time with her on her own to show her she is special and to assure her that her father can care for more than one person.You might well find when she is relaxed she is a totally differernt child.Don't give up , just give her time . Good luck x .

[Lore]

At the age of seven, she is old enough to have a reasonable conversation with. You could get her involved in say a craft activity where her mind is mostly occupied by the activity and throughout play you could ask her some open ended questions.. starting off with things that are important to her e.g foods she likes, places to visit, favourite colour, best friend... etc You must show you're interested though by following up her answers with something relavant to the conversation.  by doing this you will get to know her personally not just as your partners daughter. Then maybe you could arrange some days where just the two of you visit the park, cinema or go shopping etc. But always have her best interests at heart, remember she's probably feeling pushed out of the picture just now and is craving any sort of attention from her dad even if it is him telling her off. When she says something to you that you don't like you need to explain to her that what she's saying isn't nice and how it makes you feel - obviously appropriate to her level of understanding.

This little girl needs a lot of reassurance and although it can be difficult to find ways to remove the barriers, you will succeed if you give it time. 

[ROSARED]

look when u started this relationship with this guy u knew he was a father. and im sorry but a father first. u have to work around it and only an unselfish person is able to  work with it. maybe ur not ready and u have a right to not b? but if this girl gets on ur nerves u need to get out. or learn to enjoy her and maybe shell enjoy u , ur in her territory :) just my experience

[simont]

I agree with Lore and think that you don't need to start leaving yet. 

This is a little girl who has been either left by her mother, or who has a mother who it was considered was not a good idea for her to live with (which is not really the norm).  It is with women who she probably has a problem with, not men, her realationship with her father is probably fine, she is wary of relationships with women.

She more or less knows, I suspect that she will always have her dad, what she is wondering is will you stay around if she is naughty and horrible to you.  if she didn't like you she would NEVER want you to do anything for her or play with her.  She wants and NEEDS to know that however horrible she is to you that you are not going to leave her.  You are going to be there for her whether she is being naughty or being good, that you are a rock for her. 

In order to do this, you first have to decide if you want to be her rock.  She maybe seven which in some ways seems quite old, but she is just a baby really. 

cont

[simont]

I would be inclined to agree with Lore aswell and to suggest engaging her in a task.  Also to try not to say "if you are good, I will do this for you." Time spent with you needs to be free of being used as a disciplin tool.  She needs to know that you will spend time with her even if she is naughty.

Perhaps also you need to agree with your boyfriend how you are going to discipline together.  You both need to sing from the same song sheet if you are going to discipline successfully.  Maybe a timer would be helpful and time out for poor behaviour, but always followed up with a discussion and forgiveness on both sides??? just a suggestion. 

I know you are not replacing her mother, but if you stay with your boyfriend, you will be a mother figure and may even become a very close 'mother' to her (not knowing the entire situation, it's difficult to comment, I hope I haven't offended you.)  You need to see yourself as a mother if you plan to to be around long term.  You also need to address these issues with her before you decide if you want your own children??? 

Basically, sounds to me like she is crying out for you to love her and she is afraid you are going to leave.

Good luck, I shall be thinking of you

Mrs Simon-t. ( I pinched his log in, sorry!)

[Thunderchild]

every body has made very good point here but u forget an important thing: your boyfriend - discuss the problem with him so you can solve the problem together and i would say a word of warning for the child more than any if u intend to stay with your bf then make sure it is for good or leave now as this is what the girl is afraid of never having a permanent well mother figure.

[Le Chat]

So that the little girl doesn't feel like you are the "other woman," explain to her that her Dad's love is in two piles - one for her and one for you and that you don't need to take from one to give to the other - each pile is completely separate! (Rather like having two bank accounts!) This may help, although you may have to think of a better suited example!!

[mycatis]

I'm sorry but 7 months into a relationship I would not long have introduced my son to a new partner, never mind practically moved them in. No wonder the poor child feels insecure, stop being so selfish. I get the impression from here that you dont like her, so I really dread to think how obvious it is to her. poor kid

[louadams6]

just an idea, i know she is 7, but maybe you should treat her like a toddler for a while, i.e. when she gets into your bed, keep taking her back to her own bed, try to encourage and praise the good behaviour and ignore the bad. im sure you understand that its not going to happen overnight but she obviously does need a lot of love and reassurance and above all you have to get her to understand that you are not a threat and will not walk away. If you love this man stay with him and stick it out! Its not going to be easy but she is a child after all and im sure she will adjust with the right discipline and love. you have to help her get over her jealousy or it will destroy the 3 of you! maybe you could try talking to your doctor or see if there are any parenting classes/websites that can help you through this. I think above all you have to try not to bite when she behaves badly as this is just her way of attention seeking. good luck, let us know how it goes x

[silly moo]

Like the first person to answer you, I would say that you are the adult and she is the child here ; then my second thought was that maybe you are both children and you are not yet ready for this relationship.
Once you are a parent your child should come first and you have to learn to accept that.
How would you feel if it was your child who was feeling so lost and alone?
Try to be a little less selfish please.

[maggie01]

your boyfriend and his daughter come as a package so to speak. I think maybe you need to allow them time together without you so that you are not seen as a threat. As one of the other readers said. You have to be a parent to understand. This little girl needs a lot of attention especially from her dad and I'm sure it can't be easy for him if he feels friction between you and his little girl.

[curiosity]

Children who have lost people they loved or felt accepted by, often reject, or cause reason ( "bad" behaviour) to be rejected by the person, before they are rejected when they love them & feel safe & comfortable & trust someone, then shattered when for no "apparent reason to them" the person goes.

[kick3m0n]

wow, you do sound a bit immature.  You've only been with him 7 months, she's been his daughter for 7 years.  She is THE most important person in his life (or at least she should be) and if you can't get your head around that then tough.  You need to learn patience, empathy, compassion and control.  If you are seriously considering leaving him because of her, then I urge you to do it, because that to me highlights that you can't cope with a pretty normal family/step daughter type situation and I'm guessing you are pretty young yourself.  Find someone without any baggage and you'll perhaps cope better. 

[emk1981]

thank you all for answering.  i would like to add more detail to my situation, and maybe you all will understand me better.  his daughter is very rude and disrespectful to everyone, she is very defiant and nasty.  i have tried to be nice to her only to get nastiness in replay.  she is spoiled and selfish and has no regards to anyones feelings. 

i feel that i am not selfish for wanting to have a normal relationship with my boyfreind.  i do not feel i am being immature about this.  his daughter is a brat, none of my freinds want their kids playing with her because she is nasty to them.  she is on meds for adhd but i think she needs anger management as well but no one will listen to me, no matter how nice i put it.  this kid keyed my car, has hidden my purse 3 times, and has stolen money from me and her dad.

[metagirl]

unfortunately, her bad behaviour did not appear on its own. She did not grow up in a vaccuum. Its the parents responsiblity to provide adequate discipline throughout her young life to ensure she doesn't turn into a Terror.
Luckily, she is still quite young and IF the right sort of adults get in there she could still turn out alright. You don't seem very interested in putting in this type of work, instead you call her a 'brat' and list her faults. Why not go for a childless man instead of sticking around and taking sides, leaving the poor child feeling even more vulnerable and in turn, agressive.   

[kick3m0n]

have to agree with the last answer above.  Sorry for sounding harsh but even having read your second posting, I still feel very sorry for the child, and feel little sympathy for you.  Do you seriously think this wee girl is happy the way she is?  Of course she isn't - no child that acts up in the ways you describe is happy.  She sounds insecure, frightened, lonely and confused and it sounds like everyone around her shuns her (ie even your friends lest she "taint" their kids) but has plenty to say on her faults.  If she has true ADHD then this will contribute quite a bit to her problems.   Is there anyone in her life willign to give her the help, time and attention  she needs?   Your BFs treatment (ie he tells her to knock it off or ignores her) is pretty awful, especially as he is the full time parent.  I hope for the wee girls sake, someone takes an interest.

[emk1981]

everyone takes an interest in her life.  she is in play therapy, but the therapist admitted to getting nothing out of this kid, and she's been seeing her for over 2 years.  the shirnk admitted that the kid will play and thats it, the shrink does not try to get her to talk about anything.  i have made attempts to get her on a schedule to get her to listen....but i dont get back up. 

her father does pay attention to her...sometimes too much and he leaves me on the back burner.  he cant balance work his daughter and me cause his daughter will make him feel guilty about spending time with me.

[ursula62]

Sorry to be harsh, but if you're not part of the solution then you're part of the problem.

Either you take on this child with all her problems and love her until she is better, or you should get out now, before she becomes attached to you (however little she shows it) and then feels abandoned when you eventually leave.

[simont]

Mrs simon-t here again. This little girl needs your compassion.  She does not need people to give up on her.  IF your BF can't cope with work, the daughter and you, then he needs to concentrate on his daughter and work, I'm afraid, in that order.  She was there first, and she has been damaged, for what ever reason and is suffering as a result.  She is, for want of a better word, poorly.  IF she had a physical illness, leukemia, or cancer, you would be bending over backwards taking her to disney land and having neighbours and friends cook dinners for you, but she's not, she is poorly on the inside and no body really cares, they just care about the impact it is having on their life.  This little girl is dying and she is dying of a broken heart.  From where I stand if you are not devoted to fixing her and helping her heal, then you are on the side of those that are hurting her. 

Are there any grandparents that could help?  Could you and your oyfriend have some counselling yourselves or some training as to how to move forward with her...?

I guess the question is, do you really want to?

Sorry this is harsh, but this is about someone's life, and sometimes it sounds like you are talking about a badly behaved dog...