Son's / Daughters Caring for Parents.

[Lissienook]

I cared for my father from 2004 to 2011 when he passed away.
I was early retired and moved into his house as a joint owner.
Fortunately I knew my rights but my father got beyond the point where a single person could care for him and after a 3 month stay in hospital it was decided a nursing home was the only option.
When I saw the Social Worker he told me the house would have to be sold and as I had inherited half of the house from my mother that would have to be used to pay for my father's care.
I knew this was incorect and just said I would take legal action if my father did not get NHS funding.
Later that day I had a phone call to say his case had been reviewed by the Continuing Health Care Nurse and my father was entitled to NHS funding.
When I met the Social Worker later he said it did not look like an NHS funding case to him and I should not expect to get a free house.

What annoyed me was:

A) I had spent 8 years of my life caring for Dad.
B) The Social Worker was wrong saying the house would have to be sold as I was a joint owner.
C) I was 61 at the time so I could not be forced out for this reason.
D) I probably lost 7 years of my working life as a result.
I was on an early pension from my previous employers but I could have got another job had it not been for Dad's care requirements.

Where as I accept I did not really lose out financially as a result of inheriting the house I do resent the Social Worker saying I got the house free.
Sadly my father passed away after being in the nursing home only 2 months.

Lissie

[firewatch]

My dad lives with my grand father who is in 80s, he does not need constant care just some one to keep an eye on him and make sure if he has one of his minor strokes (which insidently are slowly robbing him of his faculties, he could in his prime speak 6 languages!) he receives/gets help.
My father and I are joint execuators of my grandfathers estate, and any large sums of money or work required on the house is agreed by us all. There is no way we would sell the house just to pay for nursing home fees, he is lucky in some respects he has a large amount of savings put aside as he lives a simple life and wants for little too.
I would lodge a complaint about the social workers attitude because it dosnt seem right

[Baldric]

Well done you,
It's a good tale you tell with no questions involved, no loss to you, and your dad was well looked after.

[Lissienook]

Hi Baldric

Sorry I should have mentioned I wrote this as a result of what was written in the Daily Mail today when it said the offspring should take more responsibility for the parents care.

I do accept my father may have been looked after better in a nursing home and I think he knew it as he had visited friends in care homes but he did not want to go into care.

Oddly enough he had all his clothes on the bed most days when I visited as he thought he was coming home.

The staff did say to him he would be going home when he was better but sadly they knew it would not happen.

About 3 days before he passed away he said they might put him straight out on the street as soon as he recovered and it could be the middle of the night.

The nurse assured him if they were that desparate for his room they would sit him in the lounge and I would be there to collect him at worst within 4 hours.

Lissie

[Dee Sa]

I hate social workers they seem to do more harm than good these days and I was a social worker in the 70s, my boss always used to say "what happened to the older big bosomed barmaid who used to dish out sensible advice whilst pulling a pint".

[TOWIE]

Don't get me started on the Social Worker that was assigned to my poor Mum who had dementia. He was useless (and thats putting it kindly). He once said to me, when I refused a Care Home he had suggested that, and I quote 'all Care Homes smell of p!ss and at the end of the day, they only go there to die'.........I won't repeat what I answered.

Its coming up to the anniversary of my Mum's sudden death in the Care Home (11th August) last year. I was hoping its gets easier, the grief, but sadly not at the moment.

[pizza]

MMMM biting my tongue here for the way you have been treat Lizzie
It's never an easy thing for anyone to put their loved ones into a care home and people don't do it lightly and to be made to feel guilty by the Daily Mail and the like is a joke .
There comes a time when the family cannot manage their relatives for whatever reason and a lot of families are distraught at admitting they can't look after their loved ones at home for whatever reasons.
Social workers should be supporting all the family !
Insensitive social workers are not a good advertisement for the caring profession! you should take comfort lizzie in that do did your best for your father,firewatch your grandfather is a lucky guy to have you able to care for him at home( credit to all your family)
TOWIE I hope in time the grief eases for you, we are all here for you and we will be thinking about you on the 11th x
I have been a carer in nursing homes for over 15 years now and the relief families get knowing their loved ones are getting 24hr care lessens their guilt.
Carers caring at home get my full admiration but please try and get all the support you are ENTITLED to for your loved ones.

[TOWIE]

pizza -Thank you. {:o) xx

[pizza]

You're welcome Hun if I was local would be round with a hug ,hope you got family around you x

[lcg]

all social workers are useless b**tards. they usually try to lie to people in order to get them to pay for their parent's care and i believe you should complain about the treatment you were given at such a vulnerable time in your life. my experience of social workers include being dumped in a b+b run by a paedophile when i was forced out of home at 16; and social services placing the boy on the at risk register because his dad (mr kicker) had been in care (we were 16 and 18 at the time and capable parents). all they do is cause misery and miss the people they actually do need to focus on.

[pizza]

Like lcg says you have the right to complain and these people(social workers) should be accountable for their actions or lack of !!
The whole system needs a shake up !!

[mazie]

I think you did very well not to Clock him one DEN (the social worker ). xxx

I think I had the best social worker in the world when my Mum started with the Dementia. She was a real friend and still is. Even she didn't have a good word to say about most of them.

Sorry for your loss Lissie

[pizza]

Sorry for the mispelling of lissie x

[Lissienook]

Hi Towie

My father passed away on the 5th September 2011 and my mother on the same day in 2003.
You do have my sympathy but at the same time visiting Dad in the nursing home taught me that you have got to take advantage of life when you have it.
I was only a year younger than one of the residents.
As it happens I will be on holiday with friends on the 5th September 2012. This holiday was planned but not booked before my father passed away.
2012 was really planned thinking Dad would be alive as I was told by the nurse he was likely to live for about a year.
I am thinking of a longer holiday in 2013 and less 3 or 4 day breaks.

Lissie

[pizza]

I'm sorry lissie but the nurses comment to him " if they were desparate for his room they would sit him in the lounge and at worst you would be here to collect him within four hours

[pizza]

not a professional comment to a confused person ! needs looking in to ! x

[Lissienook]

Hi pizza / lcg76

I agree the Social Worker was useless.
All he wanted was to get me to pay for the home and to get him out of hospital.
The Continuing Care Nurse was more helpful.
10 homes assessed Dad and could not take him.
At the end 2 homes could take him and I had a good look at both.
The best home in respect of the surroundings was 30 miles away on slow roads and it took me 1 hour plus to get there.
The other home did not have as good surroundings but the home itself was about equal and I could get there in 20 to 25 minutes.
I chose the closer home as I thought it was the best compromise.
I thought it was a nice guesture the owner gave me £20 to put in Dad's funeral collection in view of the short time Dad was in the home.
He could not attend as he was at the funeral of a resident who had been in the home for 9 years.
In any case he did say he had to be very selective what funerals he attended due to the nature of his business.
I know he had a nice house but not one which was £1,000,000 plus like most care home owners.
He also ran a modest but newish car.

Lissie

[pizza]

Hi lissie the £20 was a nice gesture, the having to be selective about the funerals he attented due to the nature of his business is a very strange comment to make !!

[Lissienook]

Hi pizza

You said ''I'm sorry Lissie but the nurses comment to him " if they were desparate for his room they would sit him in the lounge and at worst you would be here to collect him within four hours.

not a professional comment to a confused person ! needs looking in to ! x

Thinking about it you are probably right.
Dad was very worried at the time the minute he gets better he would be thrown out of the home and I think the nurse was trying to assure him that was not the case as he was in a great panic.
I think she was just trying to say if his room was needed that quick there were other places in the home where he could wait.
He did enjoy the down stairs lounge to some extent.

Lissie

[pizza]

I know waht you're saying Lissie but your Dad should have had the reassurance that it was his room until he left.
It's just at times professionals don't realise how their words can be taken literally by a confused patient x

[Lissienook]

Hi pizza

I don't think Dad wanted that room with the way he was always packing up and trying to get out of the door.
If somebody had told him he was going home he would be trying to shift his clothes to the exit as quickly as possible.

Lissie