My son is making me stressed

[puddicat]

My lad is 25 and a great lad at times,but when i split with his dad when he was eleven he seems off and on to have always been in bother in some shape or form, he is up in court next week for a assault charge, i have just been served papers to go in and be a witness for him, dont know what i am going to get asked!!!, He has got a job a temperary contract,what worries me is that they wont keep him on even though he is needed, as he will have to take time off next week to go to court, and he has already taken time off after breaking his jaw!i struggle as it is moneywise and was relying on his dig money, i dont want to have a row with him but i have had enough!!!!

[Batman7070]

Dear Puddicat
It seems that your story has been told across the country many many times before. Your sons loss of his father at such a sensitive time in your sons life is typical of family breakdown today. He will rebel in a way that seems illogical and without a stable father figure in his life he will feel deserted and moraly alone.
Doubltless you love him but he will almost certainly hold a certain amount of resentment towards you because of the breakup. He has to understand that he cant continue on his present destructive course. He needs someone outside the family to help him - a father figure he can respect and get moral support from. I can only suggest he be encouraged to join a club where he may find a male mentor he can respect and direct his energy in some creative way.
Best of luck

[puddicat]

Thanks batman he had his brother who is 2 years older and has done so well,never got into any kind of trouble! went on to get a degree and nows lives in Ireland sadly, he suffered the break up also but never went down his brothers route, he did boxing for a while but gave that up,cant see him joining a club now though he has alopecia quite badly and would feel ill at ease, i have tried!!!!!

[B00]

Sorry, I have to disagree with Batman (now there's a sentance I never thought I'd say!)

The man, yes at 25 your son is a man, is old enough to know right from wrong and blaming any problems he gets into at that age on a family breakdown is a kop out I'm afraid.

A vast majority of kids went through their parents divorcing at a young age, me included- I was five, but we don't all end up in court on assault charges because of it!

It's time to stop worrying about him puddicat- he's assaulted someone, and if it all goes pear shaped in the courts for him, he's only himself to blame.

I appreciate you might depend on his 'dig' money, but you can't always be dependant on that can you? He wasn't going to stay with you forever was he? Time for you to look for other means of aquirring extra money, so you're not so dependant on his- and let him suffer the consequences of his actions.

[puddicat]

I appreciate yor reply but you dont know the full story the guy that he had a altercation with is as bad as stephen, he actually rang my house to speak to my son, unluckily steve picked the fone up and he said he didnt want to pursue the case, and wanted a meet to go over the situation, they arranged a time and he didnt turn up!!!, once they put the wheel in motion there is no way of stopping it

[B00]

Well yes obviously I don't know the full situation. But the guy's 25 for heavens sake.

No one at 25 can assault someone and expect people to believe it was because of a family breakdown when he was young.

Not quite sure what you want from this post? But I was under the impression you were fed up of his behaviour. Sorry if I read it wrong.

[puddicat]

Hang on boo i never said it was due to family breakdown mr batman put that into the equation,as you say i am looking maybe from someone who has been in the same situation, it was a fight between 2 men who are as equally guilty my son had head trauma, but he didnt press charges the other guy did and now he cant stop the rollercoaster that he is on!!yes i have had enough and i will tell him so, but dont get the idea that the other person in this situation was quiltless,probably you have had the perfect family thats great but i am a good mum, and like other mothers look after my own and if he went out and looked for someone to batter i would go beserk!!!

[B00]

I'm sorry- I obviously did read your post wrong. I was under the impression your son was always in bother in some shape or form, seeing as that is what your initial post said.

No I don't have a perfect family either- my teen daughter has given me more than my share of grief and trouble. I have however decided that at her age (19) she's big enough to face any consequences her actions might bring.

I've no wish to fall out with you over this- I was just trying to say in my own rambling fashion that you should stop worrying about his job etc- he's 25 and should be able to sort this out for himself. If he loses his job, there's others out there.

I hope that you get whatever answers you were seeking from this post :-)

[puddicat]

Boo i dont even know you but you seem so sure that your daughter at nineteen will have to deal with any actions she inccurs with out your support ummm ok!

[mizi]

My heart goes out to you,i have a 24yr old son just like this and i often say that he will be the death of me and what makes it worse is that because his father isnt around there is no one i can turn to for help and support.Each birthday i think to myself"will this be the year that he grows up and acts responsible"yet im still waiting.They dont know how it upsets us,one day when they have kids then they will know whats its like.Good luck,i know it's difficult but maybe one day thing's will get better

[puddicat]

Thanks so much mizi, we arent bad parents i have always installed goodd manners and respect!!but these things happen i am not condoning what he has done far from it!!!

[B00]

If my daughter clobbered someone and it ended up in courts, of course she'd face those consequences on her bloody own!!!

[puddicat]

boo it wasnt onesided it was two lads fighting, if your daughter clobbered someone out of malice and my son also, you would have justification but yet i would still be there in court just to see justice being served!!!

[mizi]

Yes puddicat we have both brought our sons up to the best of our abilities but am i missing something here,a few people on here seem to stop caring about their kids once they have reached adulthood.I dont know if this is a good thing or a bad thing,yes it would be nice not to go through the pain that he causes but then would'nt i be dead?I thought kids were for life not just for the first 18 or so years of their lifes.We must love too much eh?

[puddicat]

yep mitzi, ilove my son but get annoyed by the way he thinks!!, he loves me and especially his nan and would do anything for me and her, dont know if its genaric cos his dad was handy with his fists in his younger years, i dont even bother telling my ex cos i respect that if my son wanted his dad to know he would tell him!"myabe boo just has a girl i dont know, saying that they can be more of a handful than a boy these days, betcha i get a comeback on that comment lol!!!

[B00]

*sigh*

Deeply regretting answering this post in the first place now!

Mizi- I never stated I stopped loving my child once she'd reached 18. But at 19 I have to accept she's now an adult and if she god forbid ever ended up in court over something she'd done she would have to accept the consequences as an adult! Of course I'd be worried but I can't and won't be there offering escuses ( no i'm not saying that is what puddicat is doing) for her behaviour.

[puddicat]

For once boo you have scunnered me!!,what if your daughter got into a altercation with another girl are you saying that you wouldnt be there for her! these days the girls are more feisty than the boys just look at the news of female gangs! where do you live boo not a sink estate methinks, i bet she is glad to know that you are not there for her!!!!

[~max~]

Dear dear...You haven't read what Boo said properly. She did say she'd be worried, and would of course still love her. She didn't say she wouldn't be there for her, she said she wouldn't be there OFFERING EXCUSES. That's totally different.
To be honest, I'm nto sure what the aim of your question was, since you aren't taking advice on board. Your son IS 25, he IS a responsible adult. Apart from being there for him (ie: letting him know he come to you for advice/ love) there isn't much you can do. You can't take his place in court. What exactly were you looking for?

[mizi]

Hi boo,dont regret answering,this is how we learn how other people cope,i have brought 4 boys up alone and it's been the hardest job on this universe,i know i should not complain because all my other sons have done so well but like puddicats son, my son is such a lovely lad and i just want the best for him.I think that sometimes people just lose their way,im hoping that both our sons find the road back.Sorry if i upset you

[unrulyjulie]

puddicat, i think you are taking B00 the wrong way. Believe me, she loves her daughter dearly of that im certain but i understand what she is saying, as adults they must accept their responsibilities and the consequences of their actions. You cannot always be there to bail them out. It might be a harsh lesson but i think its one they need to learn. That does not mean that you arent there as an emotional support.
I know someone who has constantly been bailed out by his parents, always having excuses for his behaviour. At the age of 40, it has done him no favours whatsoever.

What is your definition of "being there for them" ? just curious.

Boo is by no means critisizing you as a parent. Your son has made a mistake, he has to pay the price and it will be a harsh lesson for him. But, this in turn will all go to help him with his future. Life is all about tough lessons.

I wish you an him luck, we all make mistakes.

[mizi]

A bit of support would be good MAX,don't suppose you have ever had this situation eh? You have my shoulder puddicat