what to tell the children when parents separate

[beema]

Hi I have recently decided to leave my husband of ten years after finding out he has been having an affiar for over 3 years. I was wondering if anyone could advise me on how to tell the children why their father will no longer be living with us. What reason should I give them? - the truth ?They are two girls aged 5 & 7 years. I want them to understand that I didn't take the decision lightly but I want to minimise any upset and I want them to stay on good terms with their father. Possibly someone could direct me to a suitable web site or other resource on this topic. Thanks

[cameo]

hi beema, sorry to hear about your situation.
you sound like a very caring mother and i'm sure that with your help and support your daughters will suffer as little as possible.
i don't think you should tell them about your husbands affair.
just explain that you both love them dearly but have decided not to live together any more.
try and keep things as normal as possible for them, eg:their daily routine and reasure them as often as possible.
tell them that they can talk to you about it whenever they want.
it will be hard, for you, as well as them but try and stay strong.

don't forget to allow yourself 'personal time' so as to get your thoughts together, cry, scream or whatever!

good luck xXx

[lady_p_gold]

This is a very upsetting time, and if you have just found out about the affair you must feel so betrayed, hurt and also angry. I agree with the last post, I do not think you should tell the children of the affair, although there is a part of you that probably wants to, as you know it will be very hurtful to him to be diminished in their eyes. However this is not the best thing for them and they are not old enough to understand anyway. Believe me in time they will come to know when they are mature enough to handle it. Also there are always reasons behind these things, and although he was totally wrong to hide it from you, and may just be a complete *******, maybe there could be another side to it ... maybe he really was torn etc... is there any chance that once you have had some time you might be able to pick up the threads and start again ?? Probably impossible but that would be best. I think the thing you must do is never make the girls feel as if they have torn loyalties, and never make them feel that you disapprove of them seeing him or run him down in front of them. That will only add to their sadness. Also do not rush into giving up your home or into anything ...... Anyway good luck.

[Gnisy]

Tell your children that sometimes two adults will no longer be comfortable being in the same place and thus they have to be apart. But that does not mean that their mother and father will love them any less.

There maybe a little sadness when they figure out that there will be changes (someone moves out and leaves the rest behind) but they are kids and they will learn to adapt; they're kids that way.

Just don't let any of your anger or annoyance be channeled towards them instead, you know, like when they ask where their father is, just tell them the truth rather than keep it all pent up inside, cos eventually you will blow up and it will make the whole thing a lot messier.

It's a good thing that you are taking a stand on this, shows how independent you are. trust that to be the strength that you can hold on to to bring up your children. Lastly, best of luck and never make the mistake of forcing your children into choosing sides.

Regards.

[ellen_16]

I was 7 when my parents separated and it was my father too, who had an affair. My mum told me that her and my dad were going to live separately from now on and that not too much would change. It was an upsetting time, but a very easy transition. Sorry to hear x

[tigerthecat]

Beema relate have really good advice for families in your situation. The research suggests it is the way you split up and what you say that is most important. Talk to the professionals who will have all sorts of suggestions for you all. Good luck :-)

[Le Chat]

Some great and caring answers here, it's lovely to know that people care so much to spend time writing these sometimes lengthy answers.
I agree with everything said here ...plus you always have me to talk to and to help at any time!

[hannah333]

My brother and I were this age when my parents separated. At that age I didnt really understand the word divorce, and was only really upset when my parents broke the news to us because of the tone of their voices. They have done everything possible to remain friends in our eyes, and always made sure we knew that our other parent was still a great person, it was just they were not in love any more. Now I am older, I sometimes wonder if my father had an affair but if that happened they never let on. I remember asking whose choice it was to split (kids always ask difficult questions!) and they always said it was mutual. I now look back and admire my parents courage to end the relationship when it wasnt working. Best of luck.