Donate SIGN UP

What would you do? Long one!

Avatar Image
MissCommando | 11:28 Fri 25th Nov 2011 | Family Life
14 Answers
Basically I am not a fan on my MIL. She's nice enough to my face but tries to control my husband and slags off my family to him (she's jealous if my daughter sees them). Anyway, I've been avoiding her for weeks :) We only live round the corner but when I work afternoons, my husband picks her up and when I'm off, me and my husband want to spend time just us as a family.

She said to my husband that she hasn't seen me for ages. He explained that we like to make the most of our time together when I'm off (we don't get that many days together as a family).

We've had to lie about Xmas, we've told her we're going to my family for Xmas day. We've had to lie otherwise they want us to spend the day with them. So they're going up to stay with OH's sister. Last year even though we were going there for Xmas dinner, they still came round at 8am to see my daughter open her some presents. It really annoyed me as they didn't even ask if they could come. Grrr.

Right, I know this is really stressing my husband out. He knows I don't like her and he's not keen on her either. He's got health problems at the moment and I know I could try and make his life easier by putting on an act and trying to get on with her. I also feel like, why should I. She stresses me out and is a real control freak. What would you do, try and get on with her for the sake of my husband or still keep avoiding her? Thanks


1 to 14 of 14rss feed

Best Answer

No best answer has yet been selected by MissCommando. Once a best answer has been selected, it will be shown here.

For more on marking an answer as the "Best Answer", please visit our FAQ.
If my other half had health problems and this was particularly stressing him out and not helping then I would bite the bullet as well as my tongue as he would be my priority.

That said, I wouldn't lie about where I was spending christmas, I would just tell them straight exactly what I am doing as I do with my own family each year. I prefer to deal with problems in a direct way rather than lying as if ever found out, that just makes things even worse.
Get on with her for the sake of my OH. I did it for years with my ex MIL. Then again, I'm not really into xmas.

Is it just your MIL that's the problem?
if your husband doesn't like his own mother, he should decide for himself what to do - it's not you who's stressing him out, it's her.

If he's okay with her, then you either go with him or don't. I was in your position, and limited my appearances at her house. But I didn't avoid her completely and I was always polite when I went.

But don't be grumpy about a granny giving Christmas presents to grandchildren. You may want to do the same yourself some day.
I would talk lovingly and honestly to my husband and ask him what would make things easiest for him while he has other problems and i would do what he wants.
Question Author
We have to lie about Xmas otherwise they won't go to London. They would rather spend Xmas with my daughter (who they see most days) rather than their other grandchildren who live 4 and a half hours away. They already want to know if we're going Xmas eve. If they think we're going Xmas day, they will come round in morning to watch our daughter open her presents (they don't ask, they assume they just can!) and travel to London on Xmas day.

I know I should help my husband but I've just about had enough of her and I can see myself falling out with her one of these days.

Thing is, I am going to have to see her soon. My husband is going away to hospital for a week of treatment and I'll be here. Dreading it.
I'm with woofgang on this - it's your husband's call.

If he is comfortable with a little honesty, then maybe you should have a sit-down with your MIL and have an exchange of views.

This needn't be hostile - but maybe you can get to the root of the issues between you.

I do believe that mothers of sons have more of an issue with the woman their son chooses, than do mothers or fathers of daughters. If she has jealousy issues, then she needs to address them. the way of it is, her son is now your husband first and foremost, then your daugher's dad, and then her son, and that's the correct order of things.

Hopefully a chat with your husband will give you some direction, but i think it is his needs first over and above your MIL's.

Good luck!
To be fair....I would never expect my MIL to announce her arrival. She respects our privacy but if she wants to pop in and see her son...she's welcome to do so.

That said...she's lovely.
I think you're being a bit selfish actually, sorry. If you know you should help your husband then that's really all there is to it. You would not be doing it for her, you would be doing it for him. You sound a little on the controlling side yourself in this instance. Ask him what he would like and abide by that at least while his health problems are ongoing.

You could out and out tell them that you don't want them to come around first thing in the morning and then just not answer the door. It's not unusual for family to want to know what people are doing at christmas, you just have to be very clear. Better one quick big row than a prolonged bout of lies and stress.
Question Author
Husband feels the same as me. We've seen them for the past 4 Christmases. To be honest, I am a bit disgusted that she really doesn't want to see her other grandchildren on Xmas day. I'd feel so upset if my mum acted like that.

He has had a word with her. My daughter was off school sick the other day and she was telling him "Don't do this, don't do that" etc. He told her to mind her own business and that he'd been her father for 5 years. I think she knows she's in the wrong but she just can't help herself. Even her husband shakes his head at her and tells her to mind her own business.

I'm actually quite an easy going person but when you've had almost 6 years of this crap, it does eventually start to wear you down. I'm only human at the end of the day.

My doesn't want to spend Christmas day with them - we made the decision together. If she was round the corner, there is no way she would just pop over in the morning and leave us alone for the rest of the day. It just wouldn't happen.

Thanks for all your advice and replies though
could you dodge the issue by going out on Christmas Day? Drive off for lunch in the country or something?

That said, how does your daughter feel about it all? Does she enjoy Christmas visits from Gran? Her take on it might be different from yours.
unless shes very old this is not going away so rather than spending your life ducking a diving from her, you need to sort it....or learn to choose your battles...

christmas though is a family time and for a lot of people purely about the kids and they love nothing more that watching them open the gifts, so i dont blame her popping round xmas morning.
tbh i do feel you're being a little unfair here. seems your more concerned about dreading seeing your MIL than your husband having a week of treatment. why not just set some boundaries - explain to her that you prefer to have a quick phone call before they call over, and if they'd like to call over christmas morning, could they come over at 10am and they can bring their presents then - something for your daughter to be excited about after she's opened her gifts from santa! from the sound of it, they help you out an awful lot by having your daughter for you everyday - you can't expect them just to look after her when it suits you and not see her when it doesn't - if i were you i'd be grateful for the help and stop stressing my husband out about it. just be honest - you don't want your daughter growing up to sneak around and lie to you about where she is at christmas to avoid you do you?
Question Author
Nini - they don't have my daughter every day. My FIL picks her up when I'm working. They're more than happy to pick her up anytime, they tell us that all the time.

They are good grandparents on the whole and I've never disputed that. My husband's treatment has been postponed till Jan, which has worked out for the best I guess as it wouldn't be nice for him being ill at Christmas.

My daughter is 4 so she hasn't asked to see them Xmas day. It's all sorted now though, they think we're going to my mum's Xmas eve, so they're going away Xmas eve too which means we'll get Xmas day on our own :)

We couldn't have told them to come at 10am because they would have been leaving about 9ish probably. They prob would have come at 7ish. It annoyed me because they didn't even ask, they just assumed they could come and wouldn't have even asked if that was ok.

Anyway, thanks for replying.
i would try and have a word with her then - tell her your grateful for all the help and you don't know how you'd cope without them, but would they mind just giving you a call to make sure its ok to come over in future, as you like to tr and have some family time when you can. Ask in front of your FIL and your hubby, keep it very very friendly,but make your point! good luck x

1 to 14 of 14rss feed

Do you know the answer?

What would you do? Long one!

Answer Question >>