Broken Trust

[RoyalFool]

Hello all. I am a regular user, but have chosen to post under this temporary name.
Something happened when I arrived home early yesterday that caused me concern and suspicion (it doesn’t really matter what, just instinct). I have never done this before but decided to look at my partners mobile phone and in there I found several messages to and from a man I have never heard of.

I am really not the jealous type, I have never questioned my partners trust and have never had reason to, but something made me do this yesterday and I was devastated. I asked her immediately who ‘X’ was and she played dumb at first, but I showed her the messages I had seen. The content was along the lines of ‘wish I was with you’, ‘what (local) hotel are you booking into’ and ‘hubby out to gym in 10, ring me then’ etc. There were also some suggestive ones which I care not to repeat. It turns out to be a man from her past.

I went for a long walk to clear my head and we spoke long in to the night when I got back home. She tells me that she doesn’t know why she did it, nothing has or ever will happen and that it has only been going on for a few days. I want to believe her, but I am shattered. I am writing this in tears. She tells me that she loves and wants to be with me, but I don’t know what to believe at the moment. She tells me that there is nothing missing or lacking in our relationship and she feels stupid and wished it had never happened, but I said she is only saying this because she got caught and that there must be something missing. I have calmly said that we will get over this but it will take time, but I am really really hurt.

[RoyalFool]

My head is swimming, I feel such a fool that the person I know and love has been scheming something behind my back. It is usually me answering these questions and giving advice, and now I feel such an idiot bumbling along in life blissfully and happily in oblivion, a life which today feels very very empty.

(I posted this earlier, but I think it must have been too long)

[Bobbisox]

RF this is very sad , I'm not sure if any advice to you would be right at the moment as you must have raw emotions, you sound a very reasonable person and I sincerely hope this was just a foolish blip on your partners part but unfortunately, I have my doubts..

[ummmm]

Do you believe her when she said nothing was going to happen?

How long have you been married?

[zzxxee]

Hi have you been together for long and do you have children?

[RoyalFool]

I want to ummm, but it's easy to say that once you've been caught isn't it.

We have been married for 4 years, together 8.

[RoyalFool]

Hi zzxxee, yes we have children.

[zzxxee]

ok breaking it down i think maybe you both have been concerntrating a lot on the family time and maybe forgeting about the "us" time am i right??
do you go out as a couple often?

[hippyhoppy]

'scheming' is a harsh word.. Perhaps she was just bored and it was fun.. but nothing more intended..

[RoyalFool]

We try to at least once a month or every other month.

We went out as a couple with other couply friends only last week. The other day, ironically, I suggested that we book a hotel for a weekend and go somewhere and we discussed places we would like to go.

[ummmm]

That's not my idea of fun Hippy...

[ummmm]

Hows your sex life? And hows the affection side of things?

[China Doll]

Sorry to hear all that.

I'm afraid the hurting isn't going to stop any time soon and you need that to allow you to grieve and lick your wounds a little. Is there any chance you can get away for a bit and have a little time out on your own? It's always very pressured when something like this happens and it adds to the sense of distress and loss.

With regards to whether you can believe her, I'm afraid that's up to you. Your trust has been severely damaged and without that it's rather difficult to carry on a relationship. I think it's a bit too early in the game to assess the amount of damage that has been caused and what the answer will be in the long-term.

I don't think there's any need to feel a fool, I don't think you need to be that hard on yourself, you've done nothing wrong, you're just done what we all do when we love and trust someone which is bumble along unsuspectingly, it's rather a dent to the pride when you discover otherwise but it doesn't make you foolish.

Just look after yourself in the immediate future, ensure you're eating and drinking and if possible, take some time away from the actual situation to compose your thoughts and yourself.

[Jemisa]

It seems the thread of trust has been broken here, its very hard to weld the pieces together again. - It can be done but.....

jem

[RoyalFool]

Honestly ummm, I thought it was great and passionate - in as much it can be with 2 young children. I consider myself to be a very affectionate person, we both are really. Lots of cuddles and hugs in our house.

This is why I realy don't understand it. Perhaps hippy is right, she is bored.

[zzxxee]

you need to get the romance back mate x
flowers, little notes compliments start dating again on your own not with other couples !!

[ummmm]

RF....it probably is great and passionate. Maybe it's an ego thing. After being married and having two kids some people forget they are still attractive to outsiders. Maybe she went along with it because of the flattery. Love and affection is expected from you....getting it from someone else might have made her feel special.

[hippyhoppy]

RF - don't listen to me.. ummm is usually right and my suggestion of her being bored was wrong... (and not fun)

[RoyalFool]

Probably zzxxee, but it would feel like tokenism right now. I never really thought we were lacking in that dept either.

China I did suggest that I might take some time off work and go away for a few days, but she has begged me not to. I feel like a fool because I am just a "nice" guy and we are usually the ones who get trod on most.

incidentally I phoned the guy yesterday from my wifes mobile (she didn't know until afterwards), and told him to leave my wife alone. He just said 'ok'.

[ummmm]

Hippy...you could be right. I can only answer from my point of view. I can't see deceiving someone as fun.

[hippyhoppy]

(it's just I was once a stay at home mum.. bored witless, then a chap I used to work with suggested a lunch out.. leapt at the chance but didn't tell the husband.. purely platonic) (Whispering as I don't want another bollarding from ummmmm)