partner wants custody of his kids

[zzxxee]

i live with my 11 yr old daughter and partner of 5 years, he has two kids of 6 and 9 the 6 yr old is fine the 9 year old i cannot take to she stays the night and always steals something from my daughters bedroom. admitedley their mother is a cow a bingo loving freak who would never win mother of the year but my partner wants the kids to live with us. it sounds horrible but now my eldest daughter has left home and my youngest is at secondary school i am enjoying me time for the first time in years..... and cant abide the thought of school runs all over again .. icouldnt have his kids full time its bad enough when they stay one weekend a monthim not being horrible but i am being honest i just cant take to th 9 year old how do i say to my partner no way are they ever coming to live with us???????????????????????????/

[lozzylou]

i think you need to talk to him. if it is what he wants then i would stand by him. my partners son i s a handful but i would love him to liove with as so that i could give him the love and life a child needs. maybe it could be a good thing. it may help your relationship with the kids as they will be living under your rules.

also remember that when you got with your partner you knew he came with baggage and it is not fair of you to make him choose.

[zzxxee]

you have got me wrong im not making him choose at all, but he is expecting me to give up my job and no way am i going to do that to have his kids dont get me wrong if anything happenend to the mother and we had no choice then i would have them but , im not going to sacrafice everything ive worked for just to make life easy for her

[lozzylou]

maybe it is not to make life easier for her but to make your partner happy knowing they will be looked after, he obviously things you make a good mother. i dont think you are making him choose but i think if you refuse to have them then you may lead him to making a choice. can the children not go in breakfast and after school clubs,. what do your children do while you are at work.
i know you have your own life now but is there no way of coming to an arrangement. it is hard when it comes to step children. i know that myself but if he is the partner you want to be with i think you need to sit down and tell him how you feel.
could you not just have the kids every weekend instead of one a month. that way he sees his kids more and you still get your own time mon-fri

[lozzylou]

why cant your partner give up his job to have them full time??? why does it have to be you

[Tups]

Really difficult one zzxxee. Poor you! But I think the only way is to be up front with him now, before the idea of custody becomes more of a sewn seed. There's a limit to how much you need to suffer for the sake of a partner and hopefully, he'll realise that. I suppose the other point of view is that if it's mainly the 9 year old's behaviour that worries you, you would be in a much better position to change that behaviour if she was with you all the time. Maybe the mother could have her every week end? I have friends who have started up a 'new family' after the first batch of children have gone to school and they actually enjoy it. It's not as though you would have to deal with the baby and toddler stage. Just another view point. There's no easy answer but the one thing I am sure of is you need to get this off your chest now; the longer you leave it, the harder it will be. Good luck

[zzxxee]

maybe i will suggest every other weekend as i work nights every other weekend give it a trial run and see what happens thanx for the advice

[Tups]

What a good suggestion, lozzylou! Excellent!

[zzxxee]

its nice to no there are some nice people on here and not idiots giving out smart ass comments all the time

[zzxxee]

keep your advice comeing pls

[lawsanass]

Just a thought, but are you sure the kids mother would let them go? In my experience, when it comes to the crunch they will hang on to them. Sometimes if only to p*** the father off. My partners ex did just that and that was 15 years ago. Many moons ago and after many court hearings and financial hardship my partner gave up fighting for custody, only 4 years later be begged by is ex to take the child on full time as she had screwed up his upbringing and he was totally out of control. I was not prepared to take him on then at 12/13 yrs and make my 4 kids suffer. There is nothing wrong with saying no. You took on your partner, yes with the baggage but you did not agree to be a foster mother. If he wants them to live with you then he should make the sacrifices and take care of them. Your girls are of an age where you can have more of your life to yourself, stick by your guns and explain why to him. Bet he would not have given his job up when you got together to look after your daughters. You are not being horrid or nasty, I dont think he is thinking the whole thing through properly, I think step mums get a raw deal, the blokes always expect us to take up the role, no questions asked and its not fair. good luck

[zzxxee]

thank you so much lawsanass someone who sees things from my point of view at last. i thank you so much for your comments its not that i dont accept his kids i do but im not their mother. he is good to my kids but i have never asked him to be their dad or disiplinarian, i am a mum but do not want to be anyone elses mum and your right i need to stand my ground thankyou once again you have been most helpful