Boyfriend trouble

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Headless Rat | 16:36 Mon 08th Sep 2008 | Relationships & Dating
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Hi, just looking for some advice. At the weekend I was away with my bf of 8 months and another couple who we are friends with. My bf is NOT into PDAs but the other couple is. It made me kind of jealous and a bit mad seeing the other couple kissing and being all affectionate (not that they were all over each other in a sickening way or anything) while my bf never touches me in public. This is because I do like PDAs and just being affectionate in general. He's a bit better in private in that he will hug me and put his arm around me when we're watching TV.However, when I try to hold his hand, he pushes it away; in bed when I try to cuddle him in the morning he turns his back to me. The other thing is that he has said that he "could take or leave sex quite easily" and that nothing I do turns him on except actually having sex! Is this normal??!! I feel quite hurt, rejected and very VERY unattractive!! I've tried talking to him about it but he just says I'm being silly and that he does treat me well and is always there for me and that I seem to just want him to be kissing me the whole time. This is a complete a exaggeration. He has said that he would never be overwhelmed by desire for me...but that other girls have said that to him so it's just him and his personality so he can't change. Am I being silly by letting this hurt me? I'm kind of confused as I've never been in a proper relationship before. Am I meant to accept that it's normal that he's not not turned on by me? Also, I came home a day early form our weekend away as I REALLY felt he was oblivious to me...I also muttered something about "just leaving things between the two of us" as I was so fed up. All he said in reply was "fair enough. I have nothing to feel bad about. I'm tired of always reassuring you when I've done nothing wrong. you always seem to want an argument in order to be sure of how i feel about you. i like things simple and am not into those games. i enjoyed my time with you and will miss you".


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dont get me wrong but I think you need to concentrate on yourself. you bloke is right you need reassurance all the time and when you act like that it usually means you are not ahhpy with yourself. some blokes are like that and wont show affections in public, but some blokes show affection in public and then beat hell out of their girlfriends at home. Count yourself lucky, stop trying to find the worst in him. xxx Good luck
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone or weird or at all unusual in expecting/wanting to be treated in the same way you would treat a partner. I can tell that you are not needy and have a great deal of self awareness and you have tolerated his behaviour for 8 months so you are clearly a patient person. What concerns me is that you have expressed your feelings to him and he has made no effort to change or adapt and yet he has said that girlfriends have accused him of this in the past. What sort of a give and take relationship is that? If you were doing something that upset him I am sure you would try and change if it meant that much to him. Rejection (which this is) and coldness are as destructive as any other kind of abuse but his flat unwillingness to even try to change is the problem here. Don't let him take away your self esteem. There are lots of men out there who would cherish you. Leave him to find his cold hearted match.
so him just not showing affection in public means he's Cold hearted? Why should he change, maybe he thinks she's too clingy, if its give and take why cant she accept he doesn�t want to, she obviously liked him for who he was in first place. He cuddles her at home so it isn�t like he doesn�t want her. Basically if you aren�t happy about it and cant go on without him having to change then finish it.
Some people like to show affection and some don't . You can't change anyone unless they want to change. He sounds a good person and if he treats you well but that's not enough for you and you want someone more touchy-feely then it might be better for you to find someone else if this is so important to you
you cant make someone display affection in public if they dont want to, and ok he may have a lower sex drive than you many couples are like that.

but you seem unable to accept that, at the end of the day he is who he is, if you cant live with that then its time you looked at calling it a day.
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Thanks Cymbeline. He's actually a really really good guy and I think he's genuinely oblivious to how he acts or makes me feel. The thing is though , that when we talked about it before, he did make a huge effort to change. He does give me way more hugs and kisses now. WAY more than he used to. I understand that some people are just not into PDAs and if they show affection at home, then it's fine. The thing that is worrying is that he says that nothing I do turns him on and that he could take or leave the sex!! Sometimes he has trouble getting an erection and I think he had a lot issues with other girlfriends. He said he has never felt so comfortable than when he is with me. I think he is a bit self-consious during sex. I'm not very experienced either so it's hard for me to recognise his problems. I said to him before that I feel I could be sitting beside him, completely starkers! qnd he wouldnt pass any remarks! He basically agreed with me......I just find his lack of desire for me a bit hard to handle I suppose. Don't get me wrong though, he's a FANTASTIC guy....he's SO thoughtful in every other way that he puts me to shame. I love him to bits and I'm attracted to him bigtime. It's just hurtful that he doesn't seem that attracted to me in the same way I suppose.
so is it over then? I guess he gave you an answer you didnt expect then when it was your idea in first place. just because he said this doesnt mean he doesnt care just means he's not the type of guy to get into an argument about nothing, he just wants an easy time.
Well the thank you to just Cymbeline kind of makes me think that you already know the answer you wanted and you think you are in no wrong here, you are putting a lot of blame onto someone that you said is an alright guy. You are needy he isn�t, its just not meant to be.
"when I try to hold his hand, he pushes it away; in bed when I try to cuddle him in the morning he turns his back to me. The other thing is that he has said that nothing I do turns him on except actually having sex!"

Yeah right - perfectly nice guy.
It also seems like as you said he says you don�t turn him on and he is comfortable with you that you are more than likely better off being friends.
I can appreciate not everyone feels comfortable being affectionate in public, I'm the same and holding hands is as far as I would go.

The thing which stands out in your post is that he tells you there's nothing you can do to turn him on and he will never be overwhelmed with desire for you. From that, I would take that to mean you are just a stop gap until he finds "something better".

The fact he can easily say hurtful things to you and not really be that bothered that you feel hurt, seems to indicate he can take you or leave you and that you are more into him , than he is you.

Where do you see this relationship going? You seem like someone who has alot to give in a relationship, so surely you deserve someone, who will give in return to you. This guy sounds totally one sided and appears to have little respect for you.
Just end it he's not right for you
I guess we were all writing at the same time there. I'm really glad that you appreciate his good points too and that he has tried to change. The man is, at the very least, honest with you and that is a really really good thing. It might be difficult but at least if you are honest and talking you can both try and work it out. I think you sound like a lovely girl and despite your professed lack of experience you show a lot of maturity and common sense. It's not all about the PDA's it's about the way he makes you feel and if he is good to you in a hundred different ways then what he lacks may not be such a big deal. Good luck x
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From all of your replies I think I that in a lot of ways I have given you the wrong impression of him. He's the most thoughtful person I know. I had big exams recently and he got me a card a nd a book on positive thinking, underlined the important bits, got me a pink glittery hairbrush for no other reason than he saw it and thought of me coz it has my name on it, slips dark chocolate bars into my handbag when Im not looking so I'll find them as a surprise later......he is NOT a bad guy! I swear! I suppose he's just a bit ....insensitive when it comes to sex and all that....He recently told me he loves me and I believe him. maybe it is a case that I am more into him than he is into me and that we would be better off as friends. It's hard to imagine it has a future when I know that he's not attracted to me. It's kind of humiliating.
he loves you.
Love isnt sex, sex isnt love, please remember that. You may have a relationship where youre ripping each others clothes off all the time but that doesnt always last and unless theres a foundation of love, trust and companionship then it will fall apart.

As I said before, its all down to whether you can live with it or want to go and find someone that has the things you want
jeez I cant keep up :-) I am with my first answer again, if you know he treats you well let him treat you well in the way he wants to. xx
I'm sorry Headless, but it's all a bit contradictory. On the one hand he tells you he'll never be overwhelmed with desire for you and on the other, he tells you he loves you. The two statements do not add up.

You have posted a question here with with the intention of receiving advice or opinions from others, but obviously we are not all giving you the answers you hoped for. perhaps you are in denial, as you want him to feel for you, how you feel for him.

Put yourself on the outside, as if you were reading that post from someone else. Would you think the man in question was in love with the woman posting the question?
Try changing your perfume.
Top it up with a toy or so each,sexy lingerie that lives alot to imagination.
Tidy up your flowers in readiness for morning cuddle shoul it lead to alot more.
PDA is not all that counts in a good relationship....private display of affection may bring out the affection you want.
You deserve more.

If you want someone who is touchy feely, don't settle for less. Me + my ex split up, mostly because he just didn't seem to want to make an effort.

What does 'pda's ' stand for ?

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