settling or compromising?

sara3 | 16:02 Sun 20th Jul 2008 | Relationships & Dating

71 Answers

pls help, my head is messed up!

as some of you know, new man has been around for a few months. I like him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, caring, generous etc.. but he also has dismissed some of my opinions, rubbished my choice of tv programme, not been prepared to try foodie things I like. we have discussed these things and he sees that he has made mistakes, and has apologised.

I like seeing him but don't get that feeling of butterflies that I'd like. he's not drop-dead gorgeous but quite pleasant looking. his confidence is low, which I just don't find attractive. we've also not done the deed, because he's just not managed it!

so, when does compromising become settling? I'd hate to think anyone "settled" for me! I've been on my own for a long time and I hate it, but I'm not sure that this is what I was hoping for. should I be compromising and accept that life isn't perfect, or wait for something fab that just may not arrive?

what do u do when u miss the love of your life?

One for the girls....

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Postdog

Oh I wish I'd notice when there is more than one page.........

I too am condom shy - I only do it when I know that we have feelings for each other, and can't if something is not quite right, so maybe he's the same too.

And condoms take all the romance away, which can have a psycholigical effect (lack of trust, commitment etc) and that can kill a boner. Of course, this just adds to the doubts, and the more doubts make it worse in the long run.

Can I suggest he tries a viagra - even with doubts it sort of gets taken out of your control then....

sara3

Question Author

no one likes condoms (do they??) but he said, "I've not used them for years".. and he's been with other women, evidently without them! it's just too chancey for me.

yes, he needs Viagra.

no, I'm not going to suggest it!

lajohn

he has not used condom in years and
he needs viagra = dysfunctional member. do you want to cope with that? that will be for the rest of his life.

in a nutshell the majority have replied saying the same thing.
i think you should let your conscience guide you.

sara3

Question Author

it's okay lajohn, I'm there. I know what needs to be done but he's such a nice guy that it's not easy.

so............ who's single???!

lajohn

JJ is LOL x

888sally888

Sara - you can do better - dont compromise!!

sara3

Question Author

thanks Sally x

and yes, JJ has def made me the best offer I've had today.. don't know it!

sara3

Question Author

or knock it, even!

888sally888

Sara - I am on AB appreciation on Facebook - feel free to add me - i am the only sally!

sara3

Question Author

thanks Sally, next time I'm on I'll do that :o)

888sally888

okey dokey!!

Velvetee

Sara, sounds like you're dating my man. He dismisses the programmes I like and refuses to watch any of them, however I will watch his. He's also set in his ways about the food he will and wont eat and is very unexperimental with new foods. Fortunately, my man is confident and like yours is caring and generous.

Whilst I don't get butterflies either, I know he's the one for me as he has many of the qualities I require in a partner. Butterflies will not last forever and you have to realise you probably won't have everything in common. The perfect man does not exist, we all come with our flaws and imperfections. You just have to see past the few negatives and appreciate the many positives.

However, if you really feel you will never be entirely happy with him and feel you are settling for second best, then perhaps you should let him go, so you can both find people you will be completely happy with.

sara3

Question Author

thank you Velvetee. I know the butterflies thing doesn't last, but surely it should be replaced with something deeper. I do want to start out feeling a bit excited, but I know how to compromise (I think!) and don't have totally unrealistic expectations (I think!).

and I didn't even mention his OCD.............. !!

hippyhoppy

one other thing that occurred to me... he doesn't come on answerbank does he? or he might be able to work out this is him we're talking about - and what's all this about OCD? Good Lord woman - I think you know that he's not right for you but you want us to justify it for you!!

sara3

Question Author

I don't need justification, hippyhoppy. I was pretty sure I was doing the right thing in saying farewell but it's nice to get some backing.

I told him about this site a while ago and he rubbished that, too!

LoftyLottie

Just found this thread Sara. The biggest thing on here that made me think you are doing the right thing in ending this is the fact that you can't stand him 'slobbering' over you?

Just the fact that you called it 'slobbering' says everything.

The chance of finding Mr Perfect are very small, but this man just isn't right for you at all.

Good luck. Be happy and single for the time being.

sara3

Question Author

thanks loftylottie... I'm sure he didn't slobber like that when I first kissed him. I was actually wiping my cheek with the back of my hand.. gross!!

joggerjayne

shudders

sara3

Question Author

I knew you'd get it, JJ!

cazzz1975

everything aside if he is annoying you after a few months which is the general period that couples cannot keep their hands off each other then I think you should be honest with him and yourself.

If you feel this way now after a few months, what are you going to feel after a few years?

dont compromise, he may be nice (good friend material) but If he does nothing for you other than make you feel wanted or desired then its time to look elsewhere.

Its sounds harsh but you have to be brutally honest with yourself

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