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Lesbian relationship help

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serendipity2 | 10:48 Fri 18th Apr 2008 | Relationships & Dating
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Hi, I'm in a relationship with a girl who I met at work. It's her first gay relationship but my second one. We are in love and have now been together for a year. Here's the problem... apart from my family and a couple of friends, nobody else knows. This is because her Mum took it so bad when she told her last summer, that she told my gf that she was to tell nobody, not even her brother! This is because she has has never had any dealings with anyone who is gay and has no knowledge about gay relationships and she really thinks that the rest of the family won't want to know them anymore and my gf who is a teacher, will not be able to teach anymore etc. Her Mum has even told her that she will lose most of her friends and that her working life will be hell, in her second job where we work together. I am not the nagging type so I htink I have only brought the bubject up 2 or maybe 3 times and the last time we talked, she said that by the time we have been together a year we will be definaitely be a proper couple. She even said that the night we were planning on going out for our anniversary, she would tell her Mum where she was going and why, instead of lying to her like she normally does to keep the peace. I haven't asked her but I know she didn't tell her Mum because if she had, she would have told me all about it and about how it had gone. I love her so much, I still get butterflies when I know I'm going to be seeing her, and that's pretty good considering we have seen each other every day apart from about 7 in one whole year. Behind my smiles though is sadness. I can't explain how it feels, but it hurts inside so much. To almost everyone she is single and into men, whereas in reality she has never had an enjoyable sex life with a man, and has always thought about being with a woman. I don't know what anyone to say to help me but it has helped writing it down.


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First off your girlfriend is lucky to have you. The way I feel is that you are who you are people either like it or they don't but if you want to be happy be who you are if you spend your whole life careing about what others think you will only end up unhappy. Your girl can't lose her job and her family well if they love her then they will learn to accept it. Love is not one of those things that should be hidden,
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Hey there In a Pickle and Baby Blues...thank you for your lovely replies. On the subject of her teaching, it was her Mum who told her she wouldn't be able to teach anymore, which I quickly told my gf was incorrect, as I know a head teacher who is 'out'. As for living together, my gf still lives at home with her parents, rent free and is getting it way too easy for her to want to move out at this time, and I think that is the main reason for her not to want to rock the boat with them as she has to live with them, and apart from this, they are what I would call the perfect family that most people dream of having. She is very close to her Mum, but then surely if they were that close her Mum would want her to be happy no matter what.
Concerning her Dad, he was shopping alone at Christmas when he came across me doing the same thing, and he came up to me and gave me a welcoming hug and just made a little chit chat. It was lovely and bought tears to my eyes and when I told my gf she couldn't believe it. When she told him how happy it had made her, he said "well I'm not going to be horrid to her am I sweetheart" and then finished with "your Mum need not know".
I know love shouldn't be hidden, and I love her SO much it scares me sometimes, and I wish I could tell the world how I feel about her!
I asked my gf a while back if the reson she's not telling anyone, because in the back of her mind she doesn't think we will last long and that way she could go back to her life as it was without anyone knowing. She said a definite no and that it's all because she can't hurt her Mum.
I will have to talk to her soon because every day the words are just bursting to come out and it's making me feel a bit sick...thanks for the warnings about the homophobes btw...and thank you again.

I do sympathise deeply with your situation.

Love is about individuals, but individuals are connected with a series of deep and complicated threads, each different for each person.

I fully understand that because you love your GF so much, you want the world to know, and are hurt that she appears not to feel the same way.

However, as an outsider, I can see that there are a number of complex issues at work here - the relationship acceptances in families that occur with all couples, strtaight or gay, are various and complicated, so try not to feel as though it purely your same-sex relationship that affects your GF's approach to her family and the wider world.

My mum was hostile to my girlfriend (now wife) becuase he was divorcing and had two children when we met - she was not deemed 'suitable', and I shouldn;t be raising 'another man's children'. Yes it all a bit 1950's, but generations, and attitudes to vary a lot.

I think Pickle'as advice is as always, measured, caring, and base on experience, and he is right that you should not push the issues because your 'victory' may be Phyrric if it makes your GF unhappy.

Try a different tack - revel in the fact that no-one except a very small number of people know of your love and happiness together - it can be your secret unknown to the world, special and private.

In an ideal world, you could be 'out' with no complications, but that;s not where we all live, and as i said, compromises have to be made.

I am sure your love will survive the additional pressures put on it by our stiraht-based society - just make sujre the wider world and its impossible-to-please scenario doesn;t enter the world behind your front door, which is just the two of you - as it should be.

Your partner is a lucky girl - butIam sure she knows that.
Hi serendipity. I'm sure there are better qualified people to try & advise you on here than myself, because I'm not a lesbian, but I have friends who are. One such friend approached me one day, telling me of a very similar problem to yours. Her gf just couldn't bring herself to tell relatives and friends, as the thought of "rocking the boat" scared her mum - for whom she has a lot of love & respect. Of course, this upset her partner, who was bursting to tell the world how much she loved the girl. I could only suggest that they kept the news between certain family members & friends, which they did. Eventually they moved in together, & slowly, after always seeing the girls together at gatherings, & social functions, everyone came to accept the situation. Eight years on, they're still very happy together. The mother loves her daughter very much, so gradually resigned herself to it (her main concern was that she'd never have grandchildren!). I'm sure that if the two of you are meant to be together, you'll be able to overcome any prejudice & live your lives as you want. Best of luck to you - x.

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